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Trance Anthems 2009: Part 5 – The disappointing finale with someone called Matthew

poooooooooooooooooo

OK, let us try and wrap up this story in as few words as possible, it’s wholly unpleasant and we really should have written about it a month or so back.

When we were posing as a naive 20-year-old submissive on a BDSM website in order to troll the site’s residents into writing album reviews under the deluded belief we were going to become their slave, we originally thought it might be “jokes bruv” to engage some of these people in chats, wind them up, basically troll them. We were wrong. This would not be “jokes bruv” as the sole people who would contact a “20-year-old girl” asking for lifetime sexual slavery are, unsurprisingly, violent sexual perverts who should all be castrated.  But one guy we did manage to talk to for a while, just for you kids out there. Read more…

Trance Anthems 2009: Part 4 – tieupgames is somehow still a better music writer than Laura Barton

March 7, 2009 2 comments

tindersticks

I’m begging you here: let me finish all of this and go and write something else for this blog. Please. More album reviews from potential rapists who thought that their insight into musical history would lead to a sex slave. Check the previous articles for info. I can’t wait for the days when I can just review the latest Scandipop bullshit here, really. Although, in fairness, kudos to the raging deviant who sent us  the “Eat it up, Sabrina” speech from “American Psycho”. So, therefore, we here at IchLugeBullets would like to recommend any women who want to have a speculum shoved in them that they get this done so by “Havoc”, a 29-year-old Irishman. And back we go to history’s worst men.

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Trance anthems 2009: Part 3 – Da Capo Best New Music Writing From Guys Who Want To Attach Electrodes To Your Nipples

March 6, 2009 3 comments

vol_2__main_cour_4878335b4faeb

You know something? As we enter day three of our exploration into what guys on a BDSM site would do if asked to review an album by a cute 20-year-old indie girl, with the best review earning her as a submissive, we’ve come to despair of all human life. There’s still another 2500 words of review to come after this. Including a Tindersticks fan. I… just have just lost all will to live reading this. I’d like to hope it similarly fucks you up as well.

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Trance Anthems 2009: Part 2 – The failures

March 4, 2009 7 comments

rejected_11

So, in our last episode, we explained that we’ve recently been involved in a long-term project to bring high-end lulz to IchLugeBullets by pretending to be a 20-year-old girl on a BDSM website requesting album reviews from potential masters before she’d become their slave. We actually nearly aborted the mission when someone said “Haha, that’s pretty funny, it sounds like a Something Awful article”. Fucking guys.

Anyway, in the next edition, we’ll be showing off the finest of those reviews, and in the final chapter, as promised, the full-scale career review of the American indie musician who tried to hypnotise us into getting turned on by his girlfriend pretending to be a chicken. Good times. Before we do that though, here’s a brief selection of the 153 messages we had where the mark wasn’t even prepared to type “I like Johnny Hates Jazz” before offering to shove a speculum up our cunt. Read more…

Trance Anthems 2009: Part 1, the introduction

March 2, 2009 4 comments

 

pervert

Recent posts on ILB haven’t really been classics. Mediocre. Sparse. A little “will this do?”. There’s a reason for this. Before we go into why, though, let me play Brian Pillman for a minute and break character.

Despite the ILB persona of your beloved writer being somewhat akin to hat-wearing cunt Mystery if he’d dedicated all of his energies solely onto morbidly obese northern emo girls, that’s not really me. In fact, considering that I own every single Suga Fee album, in real life I play Captain-Save-A-Ho to a ridiculous degree. Seriously, there are rape counselling networks out there that’ve tried to save less hoes than me. Read more…