Home > Oh for fuck's sake > In which I Google telephone recording laws for New York City but find no crime has been committed against me

In which I Google telephone recording laws for New York City but find no crime has been committed against me

So yeah, we here at ILB were just working on our latest, sure to shock the nation project that launches this weekend. We were 3/4 of a way down a bottle of Amarone, alternating between Xhamster and TheHotelEnd.co.uk like we do for most of our lives in a never-ending spiral of self-fulfilling self-loathing. When we got a phone call. At 10pm.

Most people assume when the 10pm phone call comes in it’s either a drug dealer or your father’s dead, so I rushed to the phone. It was an American dialing code. Confusing. I answered it.

“Hello, Dom Passantino? This is Hermione Hoby. I’d like to let you know first off that this telephone conversation is being recorded.”

I think this illustrates my failure as a human being: when mans like Bol get people vexed enough to phone him up, they’re major label rappers whose buttmad will actually make him some money. When I get people vexed, they’re… journalists. Whose fame is like 5% predicated on the fact that I clowned them a few months ago.

Look, this is the thing: this Hoby thing continues because as long as someone gets raged about it, it’s still funny. Some journalists I’ve called a cunt before have taken it in the manner its intended and have gone on to boost me. Some have thought back with varying degrees of success. Hoby… didn’t. She just got mad buttshook and sent her homies to ride on me. With no effect.

Anyway, like your boy with the tache on Channel 4 in the mid-90s, ILB offers a right to reply. So the gist of the call was: her boyfriend’s mother was upset by my page, and her dad “risked his life fighting against apartheid in South Africa”. My grandfathers both risked their lives fighting for the Axis, so I guess she has that one up over me.

The weird thing about Hoby is that people just don’t like her. The first page of google results for her name has her being clowned by everyone from sassy feminists to white pride dudes to Robin Carmody-style chinstrokers. I can’t imagine her future mother-in-law was marking out for any of those either, but I doubt she was phoning the editor of Jezebel up at TEN IN THE FUCKING EVENING to sass mouth them out.

And nothing I said is actually incorrect. There’s worse things I can say about her which I just haven’t because, you know, it’s not interesting how she knows absolutely fuck all about rap music and has an unhealthy fixation with black guys talking about raping white women. But that’s the thing: none of you would care about me posting that so I don’t. ILB has always been for the readers. ILB isn’t for Dommy P, it isn’t for Hermione Hoby, it’s not for Theophilus London or Sadie Doyle or that finnoch motherfucker from Lucha Britannia. It’s about the fans, it’s about you motherfuckers. So yeah. This is being posted as a line-drawn underneath matters because, to be honest, I have enough ballaches in life without this one adding to matters.

Also, idk, if you’re going to battle that hard against apartheid, then send your child to a private school… that doesn’t actually make any sense does it? “Oh man, I hate it when a fluke of people’s birth decides the quality of the basic human rights they get. Welp, time to make sure the apple of my eye is learning Latin in a safe environment.”

  1. Jon hopper
    October 25, 2011 at 11:07 pm

    You hit that?

  2. T.
    October 28, 2011 at 11:44 am

    Dom, you are too fat to be sexually attractive.

  3. October 28, 2011 at 6:42 pm

    Dom, you are not fat enough to be sexually attractive

  4. October 30, 2011 at 11:59 am

    Best hope she doesn’t form like Voltron with a certain TOTALLY NOT GAY!! radio presenter, blud.

    That “The Srokes dressed like James Dean” part of her original piece typifies why women should never be allowed to write about menswear.

    • March 26, 2012 at 9:16 pm

      “Women should never be allowed to write about menswear”? This is rich. Sorry, Mr. Metroasshole, but it is mostly women who are producing your designer threads. So I think such women actually have more cred to discuss it than some white dude who blogs about jacking off to female hip-hop artists who are way too good to give him an interview.

      • Dom Passantino
        March 26, 2012 at 9:18 pm

        Oh shit son, now you’re fucking with the Martorialist. This ain’t gonna be pretty. Real kiddaz do real things.

  5. March 26, 2012 at 8:15 pm

    Stumbled upon this blog when googling Hoby, whose writing I admittedly feel leaves something to be desired. Then I followed your link to the post she called you about, and as soon as I got to your line about her hymen breaking “while” you were drinking beer and listening to mediocre early 2000s eurodance (Supermen Lovers didn’t change the world, you fool–besides, that pocket of EDM has nothing on the production chops of the Stuart Prices and Ester Deans of today), I immediately stopped. That, and a quick glance over the choice language you use in ‘crafting’ most of your ‘blog posts,’ was more than enough to let me know that you are a raging sexist meathead. You are not “clowning” her, Dom Passantino–clowns possess more levity and wit than you have in your left thumb. You are dehumanising her on the basis of age and gender, and hate her personally because she works for a journal you were once fired from (good choice, Guardian!).

    Yes, a young music writer on the Internet is regrettably not doing enough listening in her field, and is thus avowing her ‘millenial’ greenness in a publication that is usually known for slightly better journalism. I have no clue why she interviewed some guy from Top Gear for a piece on the Strokes, but worse mediafolk are getting paid mountains more money to do worse things in this world. And yet you’ve managed to write up this much vitriol over the former’s drop-in-the-proverbial-bucket of pop landscaping, why? Oh, because she must be a goddamn prude who can’t listen to music properly what with all those bloody menstrual cramps she has. God, women! Am I right, guys?? I mean, everyone knows you aren’t a Legitimate Woman unless a Real Man breaks your hymen for you!! I mean, it’s totally scientifically correlated to the quality of a girl’s hearing and interpretive abilities, right bros?? Right guys??


    A glance at your Twitter tells me you fancy yourself quite the champion of the working class. This seems to come through in your assumption that H.H. took riding lessons as a kid, which connotes privilege to you. The socioeconomically marginalized of the world didn’t ask a hateful individual like yourself to speak for them as a whole. Many of them ride horses, too! Maybe you never did–I haven’t either, and I do come from relative class privilege–but guess what: nobody cares, and horse-riding is irrelevant to a discussion about music journalism today.

    Had you written these things about me, I would not have given you the privilege of hearing my melodious speaking voice over the phone–after all, you’re clearly so fixated on the visceral trappings of my gender and what people of my gender may have been doing during puberty, I’d have been afraid of you tracking my location & sexually harassing me further. No wonder her boyfriend’s mother was concerned!

    The only reason why I am giving you my time of day is because THIS IS THE FOURTH RESULT THAT COMES UP ON GOOGLE WHEN YOU SEARCH FOR HER NAME. THAT IS DISGUSTING, defamatory, and what the fuck, denizens of the internet?! Why are you helping this guy up the yellow brick road of Google algorithms?! Why has over a year passed since its posting, no one has contested his claims on-site, nor has anyone challenged some of the comments in this thread, and it is still #4 on the results list for her name?!

    So she “sass mouthed you out” at the oh-so-wee hour of 10 PM, when poor little you was busy drinking your self-hatred (though clearly you don’t drink enough, or else the world would be spared your motor skills)? Your “sass mouthing” has been triggering, infuriating, and likely damaging to her psyche, and to those of many others like her. You are literally an ugly stain under her name (which is definitely catchier, visually appealing, and more fun to say than yours) on the biggest search engine on the planet. I hope you rot.

    Hermione Hoby, if you ever read this (though I kind of hope you don’t, because that would only mean giving this page more hits and feeding the troll like I am): I am so fucking sorry that Google has dealt you this shitstain of a person’s remarks with its unfeeling, card-counting cyberfingers. I may not agree with all that you write, but I stand in solidarity with you against this gross attack. He also insults me, and people of all genders, by dismissing our skills and value as creatives (as people!) based on how convenient he deems the years in which we developed sexually.

    Sometimes, people like you, Passantino, make me want to sell us all out to the Daleks; just so I could be sure that, even if they disposed of me first, at least you & everyone who acts upon beliefs like yours would be exterminated soon after. I know I could trust the Daleks to do so with even less tolerance for dignity and personhood than you have shown your fellow human beings. And then they’d just put the rest of us out of our misery.

    In fact, you know what? Have a taste of your own SEO medicine (gee golly gosh, I sure hope this is still the name on your resume!!):


    I feel somewhat purged now.

  1. March 26, 2012 at 8:25 pm

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