Top 10 Deviantart drawings of Franck Ribery
Admittedly, it’s weird. ILB is more popular than it has ever been, even though we’ve done maybe one post in two months. It’s thanks to the last post, the Dirty Bieber Secrets one. I did what I do in my day job and applied it to the world of internet bullshit. Just for giggles, really. And it gets 7,000 hits a day, even now, without me touching a thing. The kind of hits figures John Doran would finally get a haircut and hit a gym for, and I can get it without lifting a finger. God bless those Beliebers man.
But, that’s the thing, I’ve kinda abandoned you. I know, I know. Look, I still write. I still write fucking shitloads, it’s just that you people will never see it. My pen is, nowadays, trained on SEO’d summaries of Turkish golf courses and the like, so unless you fancy hitting the driving ranges of Izmir then I’m dead to you. But I feel guilty. People love Passantino, or “PLP” as the acronym goes. They want me back. They want me going “hey, I like this boom bap track from a New York mixtape rapper” or “I don’t like this woman writing in The Guardian, not because I’m a misogynist but for other, more complicated, reasons”. And, like, I gotta heed the streets. They want a return. So I’ll give to them like X. I’ll write the blog post you want. The blog post the internet wants. The blog post I was born to do. ILB proudly presents: top 10 Deviantart drawings of Franck Ribery.
In essence, this is what ILB has always been about since year dot, ever since I was shitting out fetish-of-the-month joints for Bizarre Magazine back in 2005: I shine lights on subcultures. I’m not interested in what everyone else is talking about. Fuck your restaurant review column, we wanna talk about the kebabulance on the market square at 2am on a November Saturday. Every group ILB has ever looked at, from the writers of Girls Aloud rape fanfiction through to the real paid feminist blogging cartel, is a group of people that never gets any shine. So that’s what we do, we crack out the flashlight and look down the back of the sofa. So the one group that’s made me go “Yeah, OK, that’s a thing I suppose” recently? Football fangirls.
I mean, we’re all aware of the concept of the fangirl, right? And how they operate in the modern day? They set up Twitter accounts with names like @[objectionofdesire]army. Hashtags, lots of hashtags. Tumblr accounts by the million. Tumblr accounts filled with screengrabs and gifs and shitty injokes and, yeah, OK, they’re giving themselves “identity” but it just makes me pause when it’s applied to football because of the incongruity of it, like turning up at a The Wanted gig and singing songs about Liverpool fans robbing the corpses of their own.
So what do football fangirls like? They’re plastics, obviously, but they’re a special type of plastic. They’re not your Malaysian reds, they seem to focus on certain teams. Bayern Munich. Arsenal. Non-threatening sides, really. Teams that tend to have a surfeit of players who look like boyish lesbians. And then they just find every picture of these guys not wearing a shirt, standing next to another player (gay tension!) or every gif where they stare at the camera and loop these over and over again, until they finally get laid in real life. Right now, a girl in the Home Counties is practicing writing her signature except with Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain’s surname. She may well commit suicide due to bullying within 18 months, but fair play to her for now.
This is the thing, I was always a fierce defender of Steve Lamacq back when he had his haters, and look who’s been proven right? Lammo is more powerful nowadays than he was when the Evening Session ran, he holds it down on Radio 2 and BBC 6 and he’s probably a top 10 Fighting Talk contestant these days. He’s no Buncie or Martin Kelner but he provides… wait what? This is Franck Ribery? Seriously? Fuck me.
You know when you go on holiday and you accidentally pick up a foreign language newspaper and you kinda idly leaf through it because you don’t really speak enough of the language to make any real use out of it and then you go “ah wait, Sudoku and wordsearches are the same in any language” so you try and find the puzzle page but then you find the “in-depth political cartoon”? Why do all foreign political cartoons like exactly like this? It’s a kind of cartoon style that, to my mind, was briefly used in UK comic books in 1967 and never after. Weird how you can actually draw Messi quite accurately in the style but not Ribery.
Do you wonder about the people who draw these images? I kinda don’t? I think it’s a personal thing, I can’t actually draw for shit so I view people who… OK, these people can’t draw, but at least people who can draw a circle without it having any straight lines, I view those people with suspicion. A lot of these have the air of the school project about them, the cool teacher letting the cool kids do something cool like draw a photo of a deformed quasi-Muslim jailbait aficionado. The kids then graduate art college £27k in debt and have to go work in a branch of Hobbycraft for the rest of their lives, spending their evenings scouring Elance in desperate hope that someone is offering £20k to draw shitty pictures of left-wingers that evening. They never do.
If we were some sort of internet cesspit like KnowYourMeme or Reddit we would now post “what is this I don’t even”. However, we’re not, so all we can really do is wonder if the teeth are a specific reference towards Alien or if that’s just coincidence. Also, this is meant to be a pixie rather than…. I have no idea what else it could be. Weird to see male pixies after the pixie mythology was appropriated for sexxxxy Halloween costumes. It’s like trying to picture Sidney Govou in a French maid outfit.
Of course, a lot of this is about national boundaries being kinda rendered irrelevant on the internet. One of the weird things about Twitter is that it shows you that no matter whether you’re in Caloocan, Curitiba or Cheddar, you can still be on TEAMBREEZY and insist that TayTay is a PROPER ROLE MODEL. Especially for the kids of Deviantart who, one would assume, don’t have fantastic social circles in the real world, so they can make best buddies with people who share their love of disfigured letdowns on the international stage and the drawings thereof. The graph paper gives this one a nice retro feel, like something you’d find clearing out your locker at the end of term.
Furries will ruin everything in the end. Lot of comments beneath the page this is on talking about how sexy a horse this is. “Sexypop” is the word one person uses, which is probably a slang term I don’t want to discover the meaning of. Furries like sport, which is enough to make you pause before enjoying the antics of Gunnersaurus Rex ever again. Here’s some furries who have created their own fantasy basketball league, then instituted their own fantasy furry basketball draft, then made a Youtube video detailing the top picks for their fantasy furry basketball draft. Like I say, man: the internet. The fucking internet.