Danny Graft – Arsenal Anthem (Keep the Faith)
Do you know what I assume being an Arsenal fan must be like? There’s a vaguely famous shock video online called something like “When Cock and Ball Torture Goes Wrong.” It’s filmed from an awkward angle so it’s hard to make out exactly what’s happening, but what appears to be going down is: a man is naked beneath some floorboards which have a specially cut hole for his dick to poke through.
A dominatrix-y woman is pulling all those “I am so wicked I am” faces and starts kicking him in the groin. She progresses to start treading on his dick at full strength. Then blood starts gushing out of his urethra with a speed more often associated with Super Soakers. And that’s what I imagine being an Arsenal fan is like: you start of watching them and going “This is stupid, this will never work.” And then nothing goes wrong for 30 seconds and you think “OK, maybe this isn’t utterly doomed, but it still strikes me as fucking retarded, but hey this could be enjoyable.” And then it all collapses horrifically and with disastrous consequences for all involved.
Is bodily injury sustained through cock and ball torture a good idea for a rap song though? No. Is the trials and tribulations of the average Arsenal season one either? No, of course it fucking isn’t. I’m not 100% sure with the sample here but I think Danny Graft is comparing Wenger failing to sign a decent centre half to the murder of Catholic schoolchildren by the British Army in the early 1970s. Which, to this writer, seems a bit off. A bit of an over-statement.
Still, it could be worse. Red and White Kop could have its own freestyle battle section. The closest equivalent is some pinhead from Zoo Magazine rapping with a clearly disinterested Ryan Babel about how the 2008/09 Liverpool team is going places. Babel raps in Dutch but yet clearly says “niggaz.”
Anyway, why would you want to hear a song about a Sky 4+2 team anyway? Real men support teams of legbreakers that have that “Long Throws: 20” voodoo about them and a manager who refuses to swap his Brooklyn style for a snapback. Here is a song of praise to Stoke City from a fat American who likes to lock himself up in what appears to be a rabbit cage.