Home > Which part of "suck my dick" don't you understand? > No one couple should have all that power

No one couple should have all that power

I dunno about you, but the first thing I like to do online every morning, after monitoring my “april flores + xhamster” Google Alerts, is to read all of the New York newspapers. Who doesn’t like to be kept up to date with dollar slices and a dead rap industry and the Curse of the Bambino (think this might be Chicago, actually).

So I was reading the New York Observer the other day and they had this absolutely brilliant article about the TOP 50 NEW YORK POWER COUPLES. NYO had correctly identified nobody wants to read about gays or the blacks, so it was just 100 fantastic Aryan breeders who control international media. Anyway, check out who was at #34 in the countdown:

JON SWAINE & HERMIONE HOBY

Mr. Swaine is a young foreign correspondent for the U.K.’s Daily Telegraph, while Ms. Hoby is a cultural critic who freelances for British publications such as The Guardian, Observer, Times, Telegraph and others. Only a few years out of Cambridge, the next generation of Tina Browns and Piers Morgans lives in Park Slope.

See? So racist they end the blurb with the word “slope.”

What really confused me here was in…. 2008 or so I had some brief discussions with a UK-based pro-wrestling federation. They wanted to see if I could sketch some characters for them, some relevant new characters that could get over. Anyway, one I came up with was a sort of heelish “Brideshead Revisited” dude swanning about in a boating blazer sneering at the plebs. The name I gave him was “Jonty Swain” (“Jonty” because it’s a funny name and “Swain” as in “Alas I’m brooding alone by the runnel while she’s in Capri with her swain”.) And then a real Jonathan Swain(e) turns up IRL three years later? Shit’s mad scary.

Anyway, this gives me the perfect opportunity to apologise. When I first wrote about Ms Hoby, I implied that just because she went to a £9,000 a year school, a double-barreled surname that she hid and had never held a real job in her life while being able to afford to swan about to various countries freely, that she might possibly not be the saltest of the salt of the earth. I was repeatedly taken to task by Ms Hoby’s friends, after she started bleeding from the crotch all over her Facebook about how some hardbody guinea was bodying her online, for these opinions. As they correctly pointed out, Ms Hoby’s folks coughed up £9,000 a year to keep her away from poor people because she may not have been correctly taught about how to apply Feminism 101 to this month’s pop culture at a comprehensive “I think Jessie J is a (spins wheel)….. good thing for feminism.”

People don’t realize Hoby’s real background though. I mean, £9,000 a year is the average Christmas bonus for a cleaner in this country now so it’s not like they spent any real money sending her to private school. If you walk in an average town centre on any given night you’ll find just legions of Kosovar Albanians rubbing £50 pound notes over their naked bodies before drinking their bodyweight in Tuborg and getting into a fight.

Hoby was actually born in Otley to Barbudan immigrant parents in 1988. Her father deserted her soon after her birth, leaving her to be raised in a single parent family. Her mother worked three jobs (teacher, regional manager for Holland and Barrett, columnist for Grazia) just to keep her daughter in new shoes. Hoby was regularly teased at school because her Susan Faludi books weren’t first edition, as her mother could only afford publisher drafts.

Hermione Hoby is so working class she considers chips and cheese to be an acceptable takeaway order after a night on the pop. She’s so working class she still knows who Billy Pearce is. Hermione Hoby is so working class that she turns down the drinks offered on British Airways flights because she assumes anything offered to you on an airplane has to be paid for. Hermione Hoby is so working class she has never left the ground 5 minutes early to avoid the traffic. Hermione Hoby is so working class that that weird crazed stare thing she has is actually her looking into the distance trying to find Betfred so she can have a cheeky fiver on the 2:15 from Newton Abbott. Hermione Hoby is so working class that she has a criminal conviction for attacking two Muslim teenagers with a Stanley knife after a 2008 EDF rally in Huyton. Her ascension to a position as one-half of New York’s 34th most powerful entity is a rags-to-riches story unseen since the likes of Hillary Duff’s 2005 powerhouse comedy “A Cinderella Story.”  We at ILB salute her.

SPECIAL BONUS MATERIAL: Hermione Hoby’s very intelligent parody of shit-for-brains saltines writing about genres of music they never listen to. “Odd Future deserve to be spoken about in the same breath as Public Enemy” indeed. “Anger and self-assertion where the most thrilling things about old school hip-hop,” apparently. Which is weird because I thought it was the lemon to the lime, the lime to the lemon, and rocking the party ’til dawn. Whoever she is.

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  1. July 8, 2011 at 9:21 am

    the Public Enemy comparison wound me up, not just because its way off but mainly because she’s blatantly never heard a PE album in her life and looks as though she’s start crying if she heard ‘Pollywanacracka’

  2. Nabisco
    July 9, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    Chips and cheese are nothing without mayonnaise.

  3. thankyoumaskedman
    July 10, 2011 at 6:18 pm

    First against the wall, every last fucking one of them.

  4. ascitt
    August 23, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    Do you hate all successful women, or is it only those who contribute to important publications more often than you do? This is the second time you have attacked this writer, and not just with your own opinion of her work, but on a completely inappropriate and personal level. Is shocking readers the only way to get people to actual read your drivel, or is it down to jealousy at the knowledge that you will never make this list? Not just due to your predictable and boring repetition of the same public school and double-barrelled name insults, but because appearing on this (as you yourself point out) heterosexual and white dominated list would depend on you finding a woman to somehow convince that you are not a complete cunt.

    • Dom Passantino
      August 23, 2011 at 2:05 pm

      I’m not white. learn2google

  5. DavidE
    August 23, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    Not a bad idea for an article, but it’s a shame that your writing is consistently poor – there’s no real flow and large chunks are left strangely unpunctuated. I suppose this is only a blog but it does make it difficult and boring to read.

  6. August 23, 2011 at 3:30 pm

    Error ‘DavidE’- a very bad idea for an article

  7. ascitt
    August 23, 2011 at 3:45 pm

    I should have guessed you weren’t white from your appalling grasp of grammar.

    • Jabbly Hungerford
      September 19, 2011 at 11:14 am

      yikes, you’ve simultaneously been wrong-footed whilst wrong-footing yourself you wrongly-footed mug

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