Am I a Worse Person Than The Lisps Are a Band?
Around 8pm last Saturday night I was given a photo of a low-end British female music/pop culture writer who has been mentioned on ILB previously. In it, she was “wearing” (to the extent that part of her body was covered by them) a red skirt and a white top, and between her legs was an, unknown, female party engaged in the fine art of cunnilingus.
What exactly am I supposed to do with this? People come to me with this sort of stuff all the time, vaguely embarrassing artifacts of people they think I should go to the mattresses with. I mean, about two months ago I was sent the Gaydar profiles of four British music journalists. What an earth am I supposed to do with those? Prank them by sucking their dicks and at the point of climax shouting “Ha ha, you got your dick sucked by a blogger who doesn’t think much of your output! Boy’d!”. I dunno, I just find it weird this implication that I’m some kinda clean-shaven Lulz Sec.
But that’s the thing, at ILB we dance around the line. Sure, occasionally, mans steps up and mans get clapped in the jaw, but in all honesty I can’t go around printing pics of people who’ve never personally offended me before getting cunt-slurped by randoms. That’s where maturity comes in, and that’s kind of the problem I have blogging nowadays.
As The Game very nearly said, “You 28 and you still blogging? Urrrrggghhhh.” It’s unseemly to still be content farming at the age where your parents could feasibly have expected to start knitting booties. The main reason I stopped blogging regularly, content farming for ILB, throwing 1,000 words at the wall every day was due to some article I read by Charlie Brooker once.
It wasn’t Brooker at all: I find him a mediocre writer who has, to his credit, made a career from flipping from being a crap pastiche of Mr Biffo in 1999 to being a crap pastiche of Victor Lewis Smith in 1995. No, there was a comment below the line. It had no relevance to Brooker’s article, but it read something to the effect of “Hey, check out my blog, I’ve got a new rant about Take Me Out.”
Rant. What an awful word. What an awful word that indicates an awful state of mind. I think when people privilege the fact that they’re getting angry, we live in a fucked up society. I don’t get angry. I’d get angry if my grandmother was denied a hospital bed on her dying day. I’d get angry if someone raped by sister and they only got a suspended sentence. I don’t get “angry” at popular culture. If someone tells you they get angry at movies, films, TV, sports: punch them in the jaw. Put your car keys in your hand, make sure one key pokes out between your knuckles, and sock them in the fucking jaw. See if they can’t find a bit of perspective from that.
So I can’t rant. I refuse to. Which is weird when I see something appalling, I start getting analytical.
Take this video from The Lisps. I have no idea who they are, other than the fact that they’re truly appalling on every identifiable level. I find it confusing that a band would seemingly form with the mission statement of “Wouldn’t it be great if Pink Martini had learning difficulties?”
I mean, everything about these guys is appalling, from the fact that the guy looks like an German electroclash DJ circa 2001 through to the fact that every extra appears to have been pulled from behind the counter of the world’s worst bookstores.
But there’s a market for this kind of stuff, right? I mean, there’s clearly not a market for The Lisps as they only have 681 hits on Youtube two months after releasing this video, but there’s bands like this in most towns that are big enough to have their own style blogs, right? They usually play gigs where the support act is an improve theatre troupe, or maybe they themselves will play support to a burlesque dancer who called something like Katerina Weimar.
So are The Lisps the worst band on the planet? We don’t have a great enough sample size to prove this hypothesis, and I’m fucked if I’m downloading any more of their music to find out. Do I hate them? Obviously not. Is hatred a valid concept in cultural discourse? No. Am I going to upload these pictures of the journalist dyking out to 4chan? Obviously. I think I’m probably chaotic neutral, on balance.