ILB spotters’ guide to inane platitude Twitter accounts
Every now and then ILB will get commission from elsewhere to drop a guest post that turns out to be a “little too real” for them or “contains too many references to former ECW midcarders” or “has a joke about raping a minor feminist cultural commentator in it” so they just drop me a kill-fee that I end up spunking down Shakeaway (Turkish Delight and peanut butter 4life, bb). Anyway rather than ship it elsewhere, here’s an example of it for my ILB bredders.
Imagine that you had depression. Not a mild, “set up a Spotify playlist consisting of nothing but different versions of ‘Adam’s Song’” depression, but the full-blown turning your arms into crazy paving with a Stanley knife depression. How would you go about coping with that? Drink? Drugs? Therapy? Why not just boot up the old Twitter and follow one of the thousands of sub-Chicken Soup For The Soul “inspirational comments” feeds that have sprouted up around the future of communication like burdock over the past two years? I mean, technically its free right?
As with anything too vast to grasp, what fascinates me about Twitter is the stuff that nobody talks about. I can’t bring myself to get excited about Libyans or Iranians throwing off the yoke of oppression due to a particularly well-crafted hashtag. I can get excited about tragically lonely women retweeting Kardashian family clone #227 noting that “there is good in every goodby”.
I may be wrong, but inane platitude Twitter accounts may turn out to be the only legitimate new artform of the 2010s. Are they more effective than Doxepin when it comes to curing depression? Do they do a really positive charity role meaning that their owners, rather than random schmucks, are actually philanthropists giving so much more than they get back in return? Should the Big Society offer takes breaks to any Twitter account that has sufficiently cheery messages? Well look at the following five and decide for yourself.
To give you a rough idea of Joseph “Run” Simmons’ fanbase in 2010, his Wikipedia entry takes up the same amount of space talking about his time in the most important rap group ever as it does the fact that his kid was on an episode of My Super Sweet 16. So forget all about Kings of Rock and Raising Hell because Reverend Run’s muse nowadays appears to be the director’s commentaries on Tyler Perry flicks, lots of stuff about God, how great being in a black nuclear family is, and then some more God.
Run actually is a legit ordained minister, although he does have fuck all knowledge of the good book (despite his claim, “If you fall down seven times stand up eight times” appears nowhere in the Bible, and if you think about it sounds about as far as a Biblical excerpt as you can get). Weirdly enough, in all his ponderings on the big man upstairs and the role he has to play in your life, he’s never once tweeted “Do I ever wonder where God was when my good friend and former bandmate was shot dead in cold blood, allegedly over a cocaine deal gone wrong? No, not really.” Probably because that’s 157 characters.
Typical tweets: “I know u want it all 2 happen now.. Don’t let ur hearts desire become a heart disease #Godspeed”, “There is a friend who will never let you down or leave you,, that friend is Jesus”, “Sum1 asked me 2 stop talkin bout God on twitter,, that’s like askin the pizza shop to stop sellin pizza #nothappening!”
The official Twitter feed for that movie where Joseph Gordon-Levitt falls in love with Julia Roberts’ call girl character and they use a potters’ wheel together while The Shins play. Or maybe that’s Beaches. Nah, not really: look, there’s an extra “o” in the title. There are only so many dumb platitudes that can fit into the average issue of Stylist magazine so there’s a surfeit that’s available to plonk online, and @thenoteboook is where they go. The overall feel is reminiscent of those tiny, matchbook-sized books you used to get on the counter at Clinton Cards called something like “REASONS FOR BEING BEST FRIENDS” or “100 WAYS TO SAY THANKS”, lots of stuff about true love and waiting for your real man and how unreal men are bad. They then go on to whore out products they’re paid to plug so in the middle of “a real men will always love you when your entire family dies”-style meanderings there’s a bunch of “HOT NEW IPHONE HAXXX CHECK EM OUT!!!!!!!!!” plugs. It’s the equivalent of having a girly night in interrupted by the Cilit Bang guy wanking through your letterbox.
Typical tweets: “Behind every beautiful girl, there’s a guy who did her wrong and made her strong.”, “Dance like the photo isn’t being tagged, love like you’ve never been unfriended, & tweet like nobody is following. ♥”
Right, word to the Elton John strips in Viz, let me explain a modern day hustle. All you need is a Twitter account and no soul. First, set up an account as a relevant celebrity, preferably one that a) isn’t yet on Twitter and b) has a lot of stupid fans. Then just post, whatever, stuff the guy has already said, stuff you’ve stolen from elsewhere, “RETWEET IF YOU LIKE BREATHING”, anything. Just get your follower level up. When you get to 50,000 followers, you can then start selling adverts on your account for a tidy profit. So say you set up a fake Chapman Pincher Twitter account. Maybe enough people are stupid enough to believe you’re the real Chapman Pincher, you build up a relationship with them, and if Twitter ever comes along and says “Wait, you’re not Chapman Pincher, and why would Chapman Pincher have an opinion on Nicki Minaj’s new haircut?”, you just change your accountname to Chapmann Pinnncher, and legally everything’s OK. Profiting off a celebrity’s name, celebrity’s image, celebrity’s cache and the retardation of the general public. Examples of people who have done this or who appear to be in the process of doing this: @iEddieMurphy, @_helenabcarter_, @ NotGalifianakis and about 20,000 people pretending to be Stewie Griffin who is, remember, a fictitious character.
But this hustle has really paid off for two guys in particular, @davechappelle and @kattwilliams. These guys have nearly 800,000 followers between them including most of your favourite mediocre rappers, and all they bring to the table is a never-ending stream of shitty gags that neither Chappelle or Williams, at the height of their manic depressive escape to Africa/crack-induced burgulary spell, would have ever considered offering up to the public. So someone saw this gap in the market and thought “Wow, pretending to be a black comedian can make me reach…. Shit Dave Chappelle’s already been taken. And Katt Williams. Who can I go for?” So there is now a person on this planet attempting to build up a brand and a second income by pretending to be Cedric the Entertainer. You know, from that one Coen brothers film with Catherine Zeta Jones that wasn’t too hot. What’s even funnier is, at press time, along with acting a lot like a creepy uncle trying to hang with his nieces, he was also encouraging his followers to support a fake Mike Epps account.
Typical tweets: “The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships.”, “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.”
@irespectfemales is a male so beat he makes Drake look like Chopper Read. @irespectfemales is, in reality, a 20-year-old deaf poet from Birmingham, Alabama, government name Greg F, who has carved a pretty significant role out for himself online as some sort of 106 & Park Duckie (RIP Jon Cryer). Greg F. is like the concept of the friendzone given tangible form, nothing but whipped “you are a strong independent beautiful woman, every man would be happy to find you, there’s plenty more fish in the sea, it’s always darkest before dawn” tropes 24/7. Which makes it really fucking confusing when he starts asking his fans if they’re excited for the new Chris Brown album. Because I’m pretty sure there was some bother with Chris Brown a couple of years ago… I forget exactly what happened.
Typical tweets: “I’d rather #WalkAlone than chase u around. I’d rather #FallByMyself than let u drag me down.”, “GUYS: if she has MAJOR trust issues…just bare with her…be patient. she’ll come around when she’s ready.”
Face it, he’s @revrunwisdom for white people and if you honestly find anything he has to say either on Twitter or in his books to be insightful or thought-provoking, you should probably get back to studying for your SATs. Hilariously has a history of LiveJournal-style drama and locking his account down/deleting tweets when people call him out on his bullshit.
Typical tweets: “Both happiness and misery render us incapable of properly remembering what it was like to experience their converse.”, “The inner pages of the Financial Times: an organisation of 14,000 people, all their joys and sorrows, ends up as + 2.3.”, “It’s not that most friends drop us when they reach fame and fortune. We have to drop them to avoid the hellfires of envy.”