Home > Keepin’ It Nonpositive, Uncategorized > Behold Hermione, Little Miss Poundbury

Behold Hermione, Little Miss Poundbury

(video posted because 99.9% of you won’t understand the title)

22 days ago today. I’d visited my parents’ for lunch, was feeling kinda veal Milanese’d out, and rather than sit it off via watching yet another fuck-awful Palermo performance under Serse Cosmi, I thought I’d dick about on the internet for a bit instead. And while I was online, one of our connex sent us a link to this piece of mediocre Guardian idiocy and I thought, “Meh, nothing better to do, set phasers to ‘zing’”. The piece took us maybe 45 minutes, nothing more.

I mean, for the uninitiated, that’s what we do on ILB. We’re Statler and Waldorf, we’re The Sandman at The Apollo, we’re John Hinckley Jr.: a few harmless potshots taken from the sidelines at those who deserve it. And for some reason, that piece seemed to strike a chord with people. Usually my diss tracks tend to flounder around online until they’re found by the target who then sends an incoherent drunken ramble to me on Facebook (shout out Simmy Richman, I have no idea who you are).

But this piece took off. I had fucking Times journalists retweeting it to their audience of thousands (thankfully Twitter isn’t paywalled). Dudes at Nuts magazine proffering it up as an example of something their following of masturbating LADS should read (zingingfemalehacksLAD). The lead singer of one popular UK indie band even threw it out to his readership.

Why did it take off? Why did it go viral? I have no fucking idea. I think, on balance though, Hermione Hoby exemplifies a kind of generic laziness and sense of entitlement that makes people angry. It makes me angry, and I find it hard to process any human emotions other than lust and hunger, so god knows what it does to the rest of the world.

And then… and then one of the dudes at Platform Magazine asked if they could syndicate it on their site. I said yeah, why not. And that’s when shit started to hit the fan.

Hermione Hoby apparently had decided I wasn’t even on her level, via letting her little homies ride on me. The level of traffic I got from her Facebook page was fucking insane. As far as I’m aware, Oxbridge graduates all have each other’s mobile numbers, or all attend the same Illuminati meetings or something, and Ms Hoby asked/told/begged the owner of Platform, Blaise Belville, to kill the piece. He did, making him, if you will, an unjust Blaise.

It’s the comments Ms Hoby’s street team left on our site though. That’s where you begin to learn about what the world is like today. As one ILB regular noted “This is the shortest gap I’ve ever seen between you writing a troll article and a needlessly defensive response from a dude with two surnames”.

They came in their thousands. Men with names like “Duncan Vicat-Brown” fronting on our site like they were voices of the people. As started previously, interracial porn aficionado Rachel Miller trying to play the morality card. “I know Hermione and she’s a decent person, so she should clearly be given lots and lots of money to write inconsequential shit while the rest of this country is in the middle of a fucking recession and the highest unemployment rates for two generations”.

“Her work has nothing to do with her background”. That’s the line. That’s always the line. But it does, it really fucking does. As stated previously, Ms Hoby was sent to a £9,000 a year primary school. PRIMARY SCHOOL. I can kind of understand, if detest, the logic of sending a child to a private secondary/upper school, as it gives them an unfair advantage in life via better GCSE scores leading to better A-level scores leading to a better degree offer. But a private primary school? The only reason I can think of that that would have happened is that Ms Hoby’s mother really didn’t want her daughter making macaroni collages with black kids. That’s literally the only reason to send your child to a private primary school.

This shit even spread over to Twitter. Easily butthurt blogger and winner of the 2008 All-England “Looking Like An Extra From And The Band Played On” contest John Doran decided to try and take shots, before it was revealed that despite the fact he’s in his early 40s, he still includes his university course lecturer as one of his CV references. The Press Pack dude who turns up on Claudia Winkleman’s Awesome Film Show was throwing his weight around. Even this fucking guy, who is apparently “something to do with indie in London” got radge:

Yo, son, if you can’t G,T and L at least do one of them

But at the end of the day, Laura’s claims that “It doesn’t matter which school she went to, or her name. You can’t just waltz into a job at the Guardian because you went to a school that charged fees. This article is ridiculous” say it all. The arrogance and entitlement of Hoby and her coterie is what makes people angry and what makes for bad journalism. And, hey, that’s all that ILB has ever really stood for: we’re taking on the twin evils of shit writing and those who feel the world owes them a living. And God bless us for that, right?

Having said that, on some forum they were discussing this on some guy said “Passantino looks like a fat Matt Allwright”. Remember kids: words can hurt.


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