Action Bronson and other dudes that rap about wrestling
For ages I used to think those stories about how people in the 80s were absolutely gobsmacked when they found out Madonna and Rick Astley were white were total bullshit, but over Xmas I saw a picture of The Waitress and found out that their lead singer was black so maybe there’s some truth in it. Anyway, the confusing thing/main selling point of Action Bronson is that although he sounds like a sleep deprived Ghostface he looks like a Scottish Games Workshop employee, not totally dissimilar to that hilarious late 1980s ventriloquist whose main gimmick was inviting people up on stage and giving them silly voices to talk with.
Jackie Boy’s done a song about beloved WWF jobber Barry Horowitz, best known for a) patting himself on the back b) in a moment of fantastic racial subtlety having “Hava Nagila” as his theme music c) being one of the dudes in that match that Jerry Lawler would have been in if he hadn’t been arrested for kiddyfiddling. It’s OK I suppose. Here’s a few other rap pro wres joints from over the years.
Heltah Skeltah – That’s Incredible
“Your whole head red, Conan O’Brien”. Don’t really watch American TV but I think it’s just his hair and his freckles that are red? Wholesale jack of the Goldust entrance music but sadly without the movie references, overt homoerotic trolling of Scott Hall or Terri Runnels holding a big fuck off cigar as she walks down to the ring. I’m 85% sure the first non-Big Daddy wrestling match I ever saw was Dustin Rhodes vs Some Jobber back in 1991. This song isn’t very good. Should have really sampled Simon Day going “That’s amaaaazing”.
Jedi Mind Tricks ft Esoteric – Death March
Can old Undertaker promos make a song with Esoteric on bearable? Answer: no because The Undertaker is overrated as a promo guy although the ones he did when he was “training” The Big Show back in about 2000 were fucking hilarious especially the one about driving him into the middle of the desert and leaving him there as a test of fortitude. Maybe someone should drive Esoteric out into the middle of a desert. And then shoot him just to make sure.
Cam’ron ft Vado – Ric Flair
Presumably the Nature Boy holds the record for most rap track references of any wrestler, popping up in joints by The Lox, Soulja Boy, Ghostface, Apathy, Asher Roth and a bunch of other dudes I can’t really be bothered to Google for. It’s mainly because a) “Ric Flair” rhymes with a lot of things (“wrist wear”, “dick hair”) and b) going “Woooooo!” breaks up a lot of songs. Talking of easily impersonatable southern wrestling legends, it’s impressive how Outkast managed to sneak a reference to Dusty Rhodes’ old valet into “Hey Ya” and nobody noticed.
Pino Campagna – Wrestling Rap