u mad, doyley

Just wanted to clear something up at first: we here at ILB are thoroughly against rape, apart from when it’s in the songs of Big L or the life of Rufus Wainwright. Those are the occasions it’s acceptable.

Anyway, as you saw previously on ILB, we recently chipped in with a guest post on the ever-godly I Don’t Care If You Wouldn’t, I Would. Originally we were gonna write about the redheaded doll from the Diet Coke adverts but then we realised if we did Sady Doyle we could basically rewrite the Videogaiden Simpsons review and pass it off as original, acceptable, content as long as we called Eskay a cocksucker during the middle of it and then name-checked Tony Pulis.

Anyway, Doyle has a lot more free time than David Quantick (possibly due to the patriarchy? Subs check this), so we’ve received a blog response piece. It’s like “No Vaseline” for people who don’t give a shit. But, in the best tradition of needless back and forths….

You know, there are a lot of fun things about covering my particular beat. One of the most fun, however, is the possibility that, on any given morning, this will be the very first thing I find in my e-mail inbox

I dunno why you’d bullshit about having Google Alerts set up for your government name, but, please, go on.

For those of you who don’t know who Dom Passantino is — and, let’s be honest: None of you know who Dom Passantino is

Can you do “yo momma knows who I am” snaps when talking to a woman? Abigail Van Buren’s still alive, right? Someone shoot her an email or telegram or something, get this one sorted.

this blog, he writes about how anyone who has ever written anything is inferior to Dom Passantino

Anyone who has ever written anything apart from Sega Power journalists circa 1995, in fairness.

So, just to be clear, here’s an infographic of Dom Passantino:

Nah, never that son. ILB =

Anyway, as perhaps the only source of traffic to Dom Passantino’s various bloggings, I feel obliged to report

We’re the #2 google hit for “Katy Perry’s vagina” and the 11th for “Matthew Perpetua” (insert your own “the only difference between those two cunts is that one of them is shaven” gag here), we’re doing fine now, Sady [via The Pasadenas].

And when you mention that you run a blog about unfuckable chicks you’d stick it into, well! That SEALS THE DEAL, right there.

Poor research right there, ILB doesn’t “run” “I Don’t Care If You Wouldn’t, I Would”, we did a guest drop there. Sheek Louch doesn’t own Hot 97, to put it in a metaphor that Strongsady will surely get.

Actually, I take it back. This is a better Dom infographic

Don’t watch faux (or real) mumblecore flicks, so idgi. Is the joke here that Sicilians are descended from Jews? Strikes me as a little awkward if it is, although our Sady does like to bro out with actual racist Amanda Marcotte, so there’s previous here.

Whereas clearly I should be writing the most offensive thing I can come up with, whilst clearly way too amused with myself and too eager to drop in refs to my important Music Scene Knowledge, like Vice never happened at all.

Mentioning Vice for absolutely no reason whatsoever is like the 2007 version of going “ah…. HIPSTERS” in a blog post just to show that, hey, you’re cool but you’re not too cool for school.

But, you know, from Dom’s perspective, pretty much anyone looks like a big deal

Again, is this an “All Sicilians are short” racist thing?

Oh, Dom. Dom, Dom, Dom. You’ve been reading me and writing insecure, angry shit about me with no response for over a year now, and you’ve just now gotten around to admitting that you want to fuck me

In fairness, we’ve written about you twice here, and the first time you popped for it enough to include it on your blog anonymously. I mean, we’ve written about Amr Zaki on three different occasions, and I don’t see him acting mad shook about it. In fairness, Doyle probably could have contributed more than Zaki t0 the 09/10 Hull City season.

Doyle then goes on to declare herself out of my league, and rounds off with a light-hearted quip about a paedophile developing a violent sexual crush on a teenage actress who he wanted to rape [via “probably not a good look for the sisterhood”]. I left a comment on the blog but it got rejected:

So I had to write this.

Anyway, while that was all well and good, much shoutouts must go to Tiger Beatdown street operative Mercedes Lake, who presumably in an attempt to “find dirt” on “me”, added me to Facebook, failing to realise that I’m from fucking Northampton, I am never going to meet anyone called “Mercedes”. Anyway, here’s some pictures of the failed spy:

lol vampires, imho.

Who does Mercedes Lake, crap internet stalker, look like in this photo? It’s some brere from American TV in the 60s or 70s that I’m only vaguely familiar with from, like, Family Guy references or documentary filler. It’s not Charles Nelson Reilly, someone like him.

So, in summary: troll Sady Doyle, get a mediocre comeback response that at least boosts hits for the day, leave open possibility of Adam’s Rib style antics in future, get stalked by MERCEDES LAKE in return. Dope.

EDIT EDIT EDIT

Worked out who it is Mercedes Lake reminds me of. Bruce Vilanch. For our UK connects, here’s a picture:

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  1. Cashmore
    September 7, 2010 at 3:24 pm

    You feed on beef like one of them South American cattle-eating demons. You know the ones I mean.

  2. September 7, 2010 at 4:00 pm

    I got ya back P.

    My main bone of contention with feminist bloggers is the fact their always offended by guy shit, by all means become empowered, fight real sexual inequality but just leave our shit alone, we like to objectifiy women. We just do. That’s guy shit.

    Too many men these days are straight up on some faggot shit like “You can’t say that…that’s…that’s offensive to women..boohoo”

    There’s a whole new generation of guys that are just straight up pussy whipped.

  3. September 7, 2010 at 5:16 pm

    Welcome back Theo Walcott

    lol

  4. MF
    September 7, 2010 at 8:55 pm

    Not exactly a Mercedes of the Heather Graham in Licence To Drive calibre.

    They rejected my comment where I tried to embed the video for Violate This Bitch by Lil B too. That’s some sneaky, underhanded Wes Butters type shit right there, because the code of this ‘net shit is that you only reject comments when they’re by spamming fake Nike websites from the middle east or your real life friends/girlfriend trying to embarrass you.

  5. September 7, 2010 at 11:46 pm

    Reminds me of my first skirmish with these broads:

    http://www.readplatform.com/bitchez-aint-shit-a-riposte-by-tuvshin-bolor/

  6. Chris
    September 8, 2010 at 8:02 pm

    Is it also “guy shit” to be pathetically, obviously insecure about your masculinity? The only guys who actually get mad about feminism are the losers who don’t believe they’re real men, and so have to take it out on women to prove themselves. Also fool, I know Mercedes and you got her picture wrong. I demand you apologize.

    • Dom Passantino
      September 8, 2010 at 8:08 pm

      Just wanted to point out this dude’s email address is sa.kierkegaard@gmail.com, as in he’s willingly chosen to make his Gmail log-in that of a dead Danish dude from the 19th century. Well done all involved.

      • Chris
        September 8, 2010 at 9:48 pm

        You are a mediocre writer and you have no wit.

    • September 8, 2010 at 11:59 pm

      Son, take a seat.

      Because from your comment to your email address everything about you screams “I’m 15, and I’ve just started reading some like really deep books about stuff and I’m beginning to formulate clichéd opinions which everyone has but I think you need to know about them”. Did you not read my comment? I said I had no beef with feminism, Captain Save-A-Hoe.

      Now, let’s be real for a moment. The only reason your commenting is to gain brownie points with this “Mercedes” chick innit, be real bro. I see you. Do you baby.

      I don’t blame you, I would.

      • Chris the Great
        September 9, 2010 at 12:43 am

        Cho you just ignorant.

  7. Grace
    September 8, 2010 at 10:09 pm

    You asshat. It’s funny that you mention Family Guy because your rape jokes are even worse than theirs. Why don’t you go back to community college, take some writing courses, learn some big words, and then blog like a functional human being instead of taking cheap shots at college students? Mercedes is a friend (in fact, I’m in the vampire photo with her, and it was ironic, dickweed), and you are a cretin. I hope you realize that your so called “writing” has less bite and skill than a fourteen year old internet troll on Reddit.

  8. Mercedes.
    September 9, 2010 at 12:32 am

    Sup Dom?

    I’m really sorry that I thought your facebook was a fanpage or what ever. You see, a lot of internet people have them. I’m friends with some of them. It’s so great.

    I really don’t want to engage with you. But some of my friends have, and I thought I would, because after this, I don’t want to check this site anymore. I’m a twenty year old kid. I go to college. In the spectrum of journalism, I am nobody. And I’m okay with that.

    Lashing out against a “stalker” on facebook on a public forum is childish. It’s violating. I sent you a “friend request” on facebook. If it offended you, you could’ve turned it down. I mean, hey, that’s what I told my little sister to do when she got hers.

    Putting up fat/ugly girl jokes isn’t funny, it’s a fucking internet cliche. But I got trolled, and I guess that’s an internet cliche too. But let’s face it here, I’m the dumb kid, you’re supposed to be the adult. Don’t you have a degree in journalism or something? Shouldn’t you be doing something with that? I mean, this whole thing is great… because I feel like my friends posting on your blog or whatever have like… tripled your hits which must nice.

    I’m not expecting an apology from you. But I don’t have my own blog to say my piece. You know why? Because again, in the spectrum of journalism, in the spectrum of the fucking blog-o-sphere, I don’t matter.

    So congratulations, Dom… you started a fight with some one (presumably a lot younger than you) who made the mortal sin of sending you a facebook friend request… and you won, sort of. You ruined the career I don’t have and destroyed the public image I don’t have.

  9. Cashmore
    September 9, 2010 at 9:56 am

    Do the catchphrase! As God is my witness, Dom, DO THE CATCHPHRASE!

  10. MF
    September 9, 2010 at 2:03 pm

    Fuck fat bitches/lesbians for ruining the genre of the vampire movie.

    I hope you getting porked by Klaus Kinski’s Nosferatu for eternity in your afterlife.

  11. September 10, 2010 at 1:07 am

    God, the comments section on this site can sometimes become 4chan with A-Levels. And all the more hilarious for it.

    Dunno what catchphrase Cashmore means, but, yeah, do it anyway.

  12. Cashmore
    October 8, 2010 at 11:56 am

    You know, I think this is my favourite ILB moment ever, if only for the Jimmy Barrett picture.

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