u mad, doyley
Just wanted to clear something up at first: we here at ILB are thoroughly against rape, apart from when it’s in the songs of Big L or the life of Rufus Wainwright. Those are the occasions it’s acceptable.
Anyway, as you saw previously on ILB, we recently chipped in with a guest post on the ever-godly I Don’t Care If You Wouldn’t, I Would. Originally we were gonna write about the redheaded doll from the Diet Coke adverts but then we realised if we did Sady Doyle we could basically rewrite the Videogaiden Simpsons review and pass it off as original, acceptable, content as long as we called Eskay a cocksucker during the middle of it and then name-checked Tony Pulis.
Anyway, Doyle has a lot more free time than David Quantick (possibly due to the patriarchy? Subs check this), so we’ve received a blog response piece. It’s like “No Vaseline” for people who don’t give a shit. But, in the best tradition of needless back and forths….
You know, there are a lot of fun things about covering my particular beat. One of the most fun, however, is the possibility that, on any given morning, this will be the very first thing I find in my e-mail inbox
I dunno why you’d bullshit about having Google Alerts set up for your government name, but, please, go on.
For those of you who don’t know who Dom Passantino is — and, let’s be honest: None of you know who Dom Passantino is
Can you do “yo momma knows who I am” snaps when talking to a woman? Abigail Van Buren’s still alive, right? Someone shoot her an email or telegram or something, get this one sorted.
this blog, he writes about how anyone who has ever written anything is inferior to Dom Passantino
Anyone who has ever written anything apart from Sega Power journalists circa 1995, in fairness.
So, just to be clear, here’s an infographic of Dom Passantino:
Nah, never that son. ILB =
Anyway, as perhaps the only source of traffic to Dom Passantino’s various bloggings, I feel obliged to report
We’re the #2 google hit for “Katy Perry’s vagina” and the 11th for “Matthew Perpetua” (insert your own “the only difference between those two cunts is that one of them is shaven” gag here), we’re doing fine now, Sady [via The Pasadenas].
And when you mention that you run a blog about unfuckable chicks you’d stick it into, well! That SEALS THE DEAL, right there.
Poor research right there, ILB doesn’t “run” “I Don’t Care If You Wouldn’t, I Would”, we did a guest drop there. Sheek Louch doesn’t own Hot 97, to put it in a metaphor that Strongsady will surely get.
Actually, I take it back. This is a better Dom infographic
Don’t watch faux (or real) mumblecore flicks, so idgi. Is the joke here that Sicilians are descended from Jews? Strikes me as a little awkward if it is, although our Sady does like to bro out with actual racist Amanda Marcotte, so there’s previous here.
Whereas clearly I should be writing the most offensive thing I can come up with, whilst clearly way too amused with myself and too eager to drop in refs to my important Music Scene Knowledge, like Vice never happened at all.
Mentioning Vice for absolutely no reason whatsoever is like the 2007 version of going “ah…. HIPSTERS” in a blog post just to show that, hey, you’re cool but you’re not too cool for school.
But, you know, from Dom’s perspective, pretty much anyone looks like a big deal
Again, is this an “All Sicilians are short” racist thing?
Oh, Dom. Dom, Dom, Dom. You’ve been reading me and writing insecure, angry shit about me with no response for over a year now, and you’ve just now gotten around to admitting that you want to fuck me
In fairness, we’ve written about you twice here, and the first time you popped for it enough to include it on your blog anonymously. I mean, we’ve written about Amr Zaki on three different occasions, and I don’t see him acting mad shook about it. In fairness, Doyle probably could have contributed more than Zaki t0 the 09/10 Hull City season.
Doyle then goes on to declare herself out of my league, and rounds off with a light-hearted quip about a paedophile developing a violent sexual crush on a teenage actress who he wanted to rape [via “probably not a good look for the sisterhood”]. I left a comment on the blog but it got rejected:
So I had to write this.
Anyway, while that was all well and good, much shoutouts must go to Tiger Beatdown street operative Mercedes Lake, who presumably in an attempt to “find dirt” on “me”, added me to Facebook, failing to realise that I’m from fucking Northampton, I am never going to meet anyone called “Mercedes”. Anyway, here’s some pictures of the failed spy:
lol vampires, imho.
Who does Mercedes Lake, crap internet stalker, look like in this photo? It’s some brere from American TV in the 60s or 70s that I’m only vaguely familiar with from, like, Family Guy references or documentary filler. It’s not Charles Nelson Reilly, someone like him.
So, in summary: troll Sady Doyle, get a mediocre comeback response that at least boosts hits for the day, leave open possibility of Adam’s Rib style antics in future, get stalked by MERCEDES LAKE in return. Dope.
EDIT EDIT EDIT
Worked out who it is Mercedes Lake reminds me of. Bruce Vilanch. For our UK connects, here’s a picture: