Home > Feeling this, Uncategorized > The ILB World Cup Wallchart of Rap: Part Two

The ILB World Cup Wallchart of Rap: Part Two

Having undergone a Tuborg drinking/sofa residency combination that has progressed my gut from Antonio Cassano to Cuauhtémoc Blanco over the past seven days, it’s only right we undertake part two of our revolutionary, linked to off a Kanye West fan forum series of posts: The World Cup Wall Chart. Group C is gonna be the least fun to write about as well…

Group C

USA: Travie

Most people associate rap music with Canada, a nation that’s given us Drake, K-Os, however Cardinal Official spells his fucking name, Tom Green and, idk, K’Naan probably. However, Canada’s neighbour, the United States, has a vibrant and thriving hip-hop scene of its own. If they were still dating, I could have made a “that’s two posts running I’ve talked about Katy Perry’s cunt” gag, but Russell Brand is hanging out of the back of that these days. Thank God though, as it allows the Realer McCoy to drop gems like this. Why would the Queen be on the cover of Forbes Magazine anyway? Is she an activist stakeholder in ICI or something?

England: Dizzee Rascal

“The best MC that Britain has ever produced, period. The final coming of a Britrap that’s not merely a pale reflection of the original. Dizzee Rascal is our equivalent of Rakim, Chuck D, Ice Cube, Nas” Simon Reynolds, 2004.

lol

Slovenia: N’toko

He might look like the sort of bro who goes shroom hunting in the copse behind the local high school, but Slovenia is Slovenia’s very own Professor Green or that black guy who did all those “lol Jin eats dogs” gags, what with him being the Eastern European nation’s undefeated battle rap champion. You know, like how Valetta used to go seven or eight years undefeated in the Maltese football league. Anyway, N’toko has verses that could easily replace certain Philadelphia-area weedcarriers on Army of the Pharaohs albums.

Algeria: Intik

Oh look, some African rappers are talking about hardships and the wars in their home nation, switching between their native language and the language of their colonialist oppressors, and mixing rap music with their homeland’s traditional instrumentation. How original and fascinating. One of them does look like the sprites from Goldeneye on the N64, though, which is kindofa treat.

Group D

Germany: Die Fantastischen Vier

I think it’s probably a good rule, for white rappers, to never wear glasses at all, especially when you look like you weigh roughly the same as Erin O’Connor. DFV were, from memory, a pretty big deal back across Central Europe in the late 90s, presumably around the time when any major European nation was comfortable enough with the concept of rap music to have their own dreadful take on it treated seriously. Strangely enough, other than J-Zone, I’m struggling to name any other rappers who’ve rhymed “cocksucker” with “motherfucker”. Little help in the comments box guys?

Australia: None

I refuse to sit here and actually listen to a song by the fucking Hilltop Hoods. You know how Rich Hall spends all his time in the UK because he knows that he’s probably a 7/10, 8/10 comedian in America, but a 10/10 in the UK because of how shitty the competition is? Is that why Mystro was always in Australia in the mid 2000s? Anyway, I’m not reviewing any Australian rap, so here’s the rock act TISM with a video that has a joke about Snoop Dogg instead. They’re dope.

Ghana: Sway

Well, duh.

Serbia: Marcelo

When it comes to spots for Marcellos in our hearts, obviously Chilean goalmachines of the late 90s and batshit insane music bloggers will take the gold and silver, but there’s a vacancy for bronze. Serbia’s #1 rapper Marcelo, with his not-Eminem-or-Bizzare-members-of-D12 flow and 1995-era PC god simulation soundtrack beats, isn’t going to be claiming it. Marcelo’s first novel, “Zajedno Sami”, was apparently released in 2008 so, idk, Kindle dat shit and hope he earns enough from it to never need to rap again.

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  1. max r
    June 18, 2010 at 9:55 pm

    sway? oh yeah, this genius:

  2. MF
    June 20, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    Around 60% of Styles P’s solo career is him rhyming Cocksucker with Motherfucker.

    I’m tryna remember which Neighbours cast member it was who released a serious rap single but I’m drawing a blank.

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