Home > Fuck all y'all, Uncategorized > Beef: it’s what would be for dinner if you didn’t need to stay trim to fit into those size 26 Uniqlo jeans

Beef: it’s what would be for dinner if you didn’t need to stay trim to fit into those size 26 Uniqlo jeans

I try to be polite. I try to be nice. I try to be positive. I try and write about music I care about. This year, I’ve tried to tell you about how awesome the albums by The Indelicates, Los Campesinos! and Army of the Pharaohs are. I’ve tried to go over classic joints and rhapsodise over “The Night” by Frankie Valli, “Shame On You” by Spade Cooley and “Dove” by Moony. But like my man Silvio Dante doing Michael Corleone, just when I thought I was out… they pull me back in. I, this blog, and you the fine readers of it…. have been dissed on mixtape. I know, right?

We struggled with Theophilus London’s mixtape of 18 months back. It wasn’t just that it was bad: a brief walk up the Dat Piff path will bring you into contact with at least 20 bad new mixtapes a day. No, it just felt, to us, like the representation of the point where the testes on skinny jeans rappers become so shrunken, so withdrawn into the body, that it was no longer rap music anymore. How can you grab your nuts when walking into a club if they’re, at that point, lodged somewhere underneath your pancreas like a contestant on Ru Paul’s Drag Race?

On some levels, we wondered if the problem was with us. There’s a long and unnecessary history in rap journalism of former indie kids getting in on the subject and being willing to throw their former genre under the bus for the sake of scoring a few cred points with the new crowd, as if the average Smoking Section reader is going to give a flying fuck about whether or not you owned all three Fountains of Wayne albums or you got off the bandwagon after “Utopia Parkway”. And to see a rapper cop to Smiths allusions, to dressing up as cheeky chirpy mick racist Elvis Costello… it just didn’t work for us, at all.

On other levels, though, London was a rapper with a 2/10 flow and a 1/10 ability for picking beats. So we zinged, served as googlebait for a couple of street team members of his who thought they could maybe get a free t-shirt for every instance of Captain Save A Faggot they undertook, and thought nothing of it.

And then….

Oh boy. Theo P has dropped a new mixtape or something, I dunno what the fuck, and it features a track on there that goes hard at myself and, for some God unknown reason, slaphead Guardian contributor Paul Lester. Have a listen to it here.

Is it really that hard to pronounce “Ich Luge Bullets”? Has this cretin never actually watched Heathers, because I’m pretty sure Kurt and Ram would have chucked his Rerun lookin’ ass into the nearest waste receptacle. “I love my dead gay jeans wearing rapper.” And so on and so forth.

I have been dissed on a mixtape. Someone has actually gone into the recording booth and thought “Wow, what with global economic meltdown, terrorist attacks in New York City, a revolution in how recorded media finds its way to the consumer, and Kat Stacks…. the thing I should rap about today is a fat Sicilian dude from Northampton who is, tbh, more concerned with bettering his Bejewelled high score than rap music in 2010”.

And there’s Ezra Koenig on the joint as well? Ezra, dude, I had your back a few months back, I made hella Twitter tweets calling Jessica Hopper a dumb racist cunt, and this is how you pay me back? I didn’t even laugh at the bit in The Wrestler where the daughter has a Vampire Weekend poster on her wall. Much. I better find out this is an uncleared sample, or me and Ezzy are going to have to have words.

Is this what Theo’s life is? Dude has woken up bright one morning, twigged that his career is going nowhere and he dresses like Crookers’ rent boy, and so he’s decided to take shots at the only people who’ve acknowledged his existence today, myself and Plester? I’m not even mad at him, I’m just embarrassed for him. So I’ll make a deal: if Theo wants to record another track going “My bad, I just wanted to feel like a big man….” we won’t unleash the forces of hell on him. Otherwise… well, you may wanna holla at Wes “Stay Snitchin’” Butters and Claude “Bodied” Carpentiere to ask them what happens….

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  1. ZingFail
    May 5, 2010 at 10:28 pm

    Uniqlo doesn’t go up to a size 26, you goon.

  2. Simon
    May 6, 2010 at 12:08 am

    Paul Lester’s brought this up already (not your contributory factor, I doubt he’s got that far): http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/musicblog/2010/apr/30/dissed-on-record

  3. ichluge is garbage
    May 6, 2010 at 2:05 am

    your saying theophilus is weak for that song. but you literally wrote a whole article that was nothing but hate and not funny jokes. You stick to your old rap music thats is extremely repetitive and never changes. Realize good music dude. Theophilus is better then your favorite artist. You cant really catergorize him as rap anyways. But hey, at least you got more readers you lonely fuck. As theo continues to blow up your dumbass will feel dumber and dumber. Eat shit and learn about good music if your gonna have a music blog. Seriously, get it together.

  4. MF
    May 6, 2010 at 9:18 am

    The Italians vs. the coloured (no Johnny Doren). Man, this shit is more like The Wanderers than Heathers now.

  5. Paul P
    May 6, 2010 at 6:53 pm

    Just you felt a little offended by some afroamerican using Elvis Costellos work you write such an article without any serious content but only hate. Life seems to be good jerk.
    Categories: Fuck YOU

  6. F
    May 6, 2010 at 9:48 pm

    morelike Paedophilus Bumchum amirite

  7. Cashmore
    May 7, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    Go on, say “u mad doggie”, I like it when you do that.

  8. May 7, 2010 at 5:09 pm

    fuck londumb

    srsly.

  9. May 8, 2010 at 1:09 am

    this is hilarious!!!

  10. May 8, 2010 at 2:27 am

    or would be if i could understand what dude is saying

  11. N.
    May 10, 2010 at 4:04 am

    I like how you try to make it sound like theophilus made a whole song about you, when in reality it was only four bars. I mean with the economic crisis going on you could’ve been doing something more productive than bitching on about how you were dissed on a mixtape. Did you really have to write a whole essay about a four bar diss? THEOPHILUS’S MUSIC > YOU’RE LIFE.

  12. May 11, 2010 at 8:05 pm

    he at least had the good grace to mention you in the first ten seconds. damned if i’m going to listen to any more of that track.

  13. May 12, 2010 at 1:50 am

    Haha, holy shit.

  14. TLFan
    May 15, 2010 at 8:09 am

    You may hate the dude but do a little research before saying his career is going nowhere. NME named Theo the #1 artist to watch in 2010. He’s done work with Damon Albarn, Solange, Lightspeed Champion, Hudson Mowhawke, and Mark Ronson. He was also picked up for the hard summer shows in NYC and LA. I’m not defending his decision to put you and paul on record (i thought it was kind of unnecessary) but you two were the most outspoken in your dislike.

    Also, the Ezra sample was definitely cleared. He and Theo are friends. They worked together on Theo’s Warm Heart Of Africa remix from The Very Best.

    Last thing, what’s with the hatred on skinny jeans/hipster culture? The dude grew up in brooklyn. He’s probably been to williamsburg. And he’s not exactly the only skinny jeans rapper. Just look at ninjasonik or das racist or anyone associated with LA jerking music (although I’m sure you’d hate these guys too). Don’t get me wrong, I love my clipse and my gucci mane and my budden. But at the same time, with guys like cudi and kanye pushing the envelope (in terms of production at least), I don’t see what’s so bad about Theo’s take on hip hop.

    And calling him a faggot. Really?

    • Mr Brittas
      May 16, 2010 at 10:48 pm

      ^^^^ truly amazing comment TLFAN, your being ironic right? I hope so, its far to painful for me to believe that people actually write shit like that seriously.

  15. Biche
    May 31, 2010 at 8:00 pm

    Wow I dream of the day crappy rappers and their managers comment on my blog under weak psyudonyms, let alone put me on a mixtape!

    Theo, if you’re reading, I think you’re lame too.. it’s Biche pronounced ‘Beeeesh’ and if you could give a shout out to Speeches of Biches (speeeeches of beeeshes) I’ll like send you a signed photo or something…

    kthxbai

    • Dom Passantino
      May 31, 2010 at 8:58 pm

      Think it’s very unlikely that any rapper is going to openly criticise a white girl with an ass, Biche.

      • Biche
        June 30, 2010 at 8:28 pm

        Tragic, I know…such is the inherent sexism of rap, I’m going to have to waddle over to the Lady Sovereign messageboard and call her a lesbo Jentina wannabe in order to get me some quality beef consommé.

        And ‘Random’ is a tune too.

      • Biche
        June 30, 2010 at 8:30 pm

        Oh wow just totally left my friend’s email on that last comment by mistake. Does that matter? Ignore.

  16. MF
    May 31, 2010 at 9:13 pm

    Arf.

    I’m so jealous right now. Especially since I called him a pussy who needs to watch Heathers on his own blog and he declined to allow the comment.

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