Home > FILLER! FILLER!! FILLER!!! > Nickelback. Y’know, for kids.

Nickelback. Y’know, for kids.

People who say “actually, you just have a cold” when you tell them you’ve got the flu are the “this isn’t champagne, you know, it’s asti” of the post-Ocado generation. Regardless of this, I have the flu. I’m bunged up, I’m going through tissues like it was free leech day on Empornium.us, I’ve got more painful lumps in my throat than Bobby Heenan (too soon?), and I’ve got a splitting headache. I’m working through the pain Zoltan Gera-style to bring you this post, ignoring stuff I’d promised other people, and various letters with red writing at the top, in order to do so. So I needed some relaxing music. I got on Spotify. I found the world of “Lush Lullaby”. I will never sleep again.
I’m dismissive of “hip parents”, motherfuckers who buy their three-month baby Pixies t-shirts or film Youtube clips of little Zachary busting a move to Deicide as if this the kind of thing parents should be doing, rather than, y’know, raising their fucking kid. Lush Lullaby has decided to help cretins like this by relaxing “nursery rhyme” versions of the back catalogues of (Spotify only here, so get yr link game up) Jack Johnson, Wings, The Foo Fighters, Steve Miller Band, Nickelback and, obviously, Rick Springfield.

It’s not just horrid morally, this is really bad music. Just clicking around these at random, “How You Remind Me” turns from being a vaguely justifiable nu-metal drinking song into the soundtrack of a nightmare where you have no idea what’s going on except that you’re in a Chinese restaurant somewhere in Lancaster. “Band On The Run” starts off as the “welcome to Blah-Di-Blah Airways” spiel you get before the airplane radio stations come on, and then reacts to the temp change by turning into that bit from I’m Alan Partridge where he’s trying to turn the keyboard off. “Monkey Wrench” is… wow. Just wow.

The overall effect is that of the noises you made when you discovered that you could dick around with instruments on a MIDI player back in the late 90s, and see what “Basket Case” would sound like played by reed organs and duck whistles. What’s wrong with kids’ music the way it used to be back in the day, huh? This is how they used to play it:

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  1. MF
    February 3, 2010 at 9:36 pm

    Whenever i have the misfortune of hearing You Remind Me in a pub or taxi, gruesome mental images come flooding back of posh Tim playing air guitar to it in the garden during series 3 of Big Brother.

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