Home > The posts that celebrate themselves > Ich Luge Bullets 2009: Our year in lists Part #2

Ich Luge Bullets 2009: Our year in lists Part #2

You want part two of a rundown of the most read ILB posts of the past year? We’ll give you part two of a rundown of the most read ILB posts of the past year:

10. What the cover of Jay-Z’s “Blueprint 3″ tells us about graphic design in 2009 (August 3, 2009)

It’s always, to this mind at least, a treat to get linked to by “bigger” “blogs”. Goofy as it sounds, the first time we got any content sidebarred by Oh Word or Cocaine Blunts, we did a little Pauly D fistpump in celebration. This post got linked to by some guy called Harry Allen and bumped our hits up resultantly. I have absolutely no idea who he is, but from a brief RSS feed check, if you enjoy alternating stroking your chin about race with buying expensive shit nobody with any sense could possibly want, Hazza’s yr man.

9. Namedrops in the latest Game mixtape: we count them (October 18, 2009)

Strauss lookin’ a little Marco Pantani there, no? I kinda feel sorry for The Game, insofar as the less records he sells and the worse material he puts out, the more enjoyable he is to write about and the more anyone cares. He’s basically the TalkTalk of rap (and they both put out songs about it being “their life”. Coincidence?). My favourite thing about this post is that it’s basically a stolen idea for something someone on some random rap message board did for “The Documentary”, but I’m pretty sure all those lame “copywriting for web 2.0” blogs never mention anything about originality, do they?

8. We should probably talk about that Raygun YouTube clip, then. (August 4, 2009)

If we were Intensities In Ten Suburbs and counting down the UK’s top 50 pop cultural artefacts of 2009, this Youtube clip would probably be around 44, somewhere between the Legally Blonde musical and Ryan Shawcross. But who cares about them right now? I wanna spin the topic off from Raygun’s “staggering lack of self-awareness”.
Although the video came from some Godforsaken 4Music show, it was captured and put on Youtube by the IT journalist Rhodri Marsden, a man who looks like an egg. And Marsden was big on the “haha, look at these idiots with no self-awareness whatsoever, let us all clown them”.
Marsden then troubled the wider world last October, when he wrote an article about how… let me quote direct:

Apple might complain about the way that the word “app” has come to mean any application running on any mobile device… but it serves them right for coming up with something so snappy.

Insert your own Harry Hill-esque “DUHHHHHHH” noise here. Marsden responded to his critics going “Wait, you’re an IT writer, why do you not know that the word ‘app’ has been common parlance for fucking time by hitting the comments boxes and going:

Sheesh. Yes, geeks have been saying “app” instead of “application” for donkey’s years… Deep, sincere apologies to anyone and everyone who has been offended by this appalling error.

Realising he was on a roll, Rhodders then went on to Facebook to bitch about “imbeciles” who took “lazy potshots” at people who “actually do stuff, rather than sitting around like a bunch of cunts”. If our society has reached the point where rewriting press releases for the Independent’s IT section now counts as “backbreaking real labour”, then the sooner swine flu kills us off the better. But anyway: this is why you should never adopt a position of superiority when writing about music, because eventually, you’ll end up looking like a cunt. An egg-shaped cunt.

7. Does ILB have Sasha Frere-Jones running scared? (June 7, 2009)

Obviously SFJ is too busy celebrating having killed hip hop to respond to us, but he could at least get an intern on it or something?

6. In review: Theophilus London – This Charming Mixtape (January 28, 2009)

In fantasy football terms, the Theophilus London review has been the Matty Taylor of hits to this site: never a source of major sudden income, but with enough, 5 or 10 hits a day, traffic to make it a worthy addition. I’m pretty sure the fact that TL has done fuck all since hasn’t damaged it, as well as the legion of butthurt fans who occasionally pop up to chime in with their opinions. Is XXL doing another blog-rap piece this year? Maybe he’ll turn up in that. Fingers crossed, huh?

5. Paul Merson’s moustache (November 21, 2009)

All you need for a successful blog is high-end content like this. You don’t even need to download Silverlight as you can just watch Soccer Saturday on justin.tv instead. I feel good….

4. In celebration of: Adriano Celentano (September 1, 2008)

Again, an article that gets the occasional hit rather than massive vast swathes of them, presumably from people desperately seeking articles about Celentano in English so they can work out what the fuck it is their immigrant father is actually listening to. Adriano Celentano fact: his daughter played Satan in Mel Gibson’s masterpiece of restraint and subtlety, The Passion of the Christ.

3. Girls Aloud rape porn round-up (October 2, 2008)

Again, I feel kind of conflicted about the success of this post, being as it mainly relies on the fact that a lot of people do just google “penny smith being raped xxx” on a regular basis. But, idk, maybe having it on ILB counts as a sop to popism (ask your grandparents). Anyway, as a counter-balance, here is the non-rape Girls Aloud fanfic portal. Let us see what’s popping there:

Kimberley left Sarah’s utterly confused. She knew she had something special with Cheryl but what exactly was it? It was stronger than friendship but Cheryl’s upfront nature spooked her immensely. After climbing more than happily into a taxi outside, Kimberley could finally have a long think with no interruptions. “Hey!” The short, bald driver looked into his mirror and closely at the passenger, “You’re from Girls Aloud aren’t you?” She sighed and rolled her eyes, looking at the passing cars and traffic helplessly.

Yeah, bring back the rape imo.

2. Indie moustache chicks (July 27, 2008)

I would have sex with at least 3/4 of this white girls. Actually linked to off of Metafilter, presumably because nobody had designed a steampunk garlic press that day for them to write about. I have been out with at least two indie moustache girls this year. One of them had a great ass and the other one was the former girlfriend of the bassist of current London toilet circuit mainstay indie act. Why not trying guessing which one in the comment boxes?

1. Memorial weekend on IchLugeBullets.com: #1 – The sexual availability of Christina Hendricks (December 21, 2008)

Let me throw some numbers at you. Since starting 18 months ago, ILB has clocked up 153,797 hits, as of time of writing. You tell me if that’s good or bad, I have no idea. Of that number, 28,767 of those hits were for this post. 18.7% of our traffic is for just one solitary, consisting of me struggling to come to terms with the fact that I’m not going to wifey Chrissie H any time soon, as she’s shagging a guy from the Johnny Knoxville classic “The Ringer”. Does that make me proud? I’m not sure. I mean, the idea behind ILB is for me to build up some kind of readership base and hopefully confuse someone into giving me paid print work again. So I write about the rap and the hip-hop and drop a few jewels here and there… and instead, what do the kids want? What would, in theory, be bringing Google Ad dollars to this site if I could be bothered to set it up? Rape porn, boobs, and women in moustaches. I’ll take what I can get, you know.

  1. MF
    January 22, 2010 at 9:35 pm

    The Merson moustache post ftw since the metal gig post didn’t make this.

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