Ich Luge Bullets 2009: Our year in lists Part #1
I’m as stunned as you are. Ich Luge Bullets, more out of blind luck and the fact that we can’t afford a PS3 to occupy our time than by design, has made it through to its second year. I’d like to say we couldn’t have done it without you, our loyal readers, but to be fair you haven’t really done anything for me. That talentless cunt that draws The Oatmeal probably gets hella Paypal payments winging their way into his Dorito-crumb encrusted pockets, and the most I’ve got from you is… zero? Depends whether that dude we ripped off for pizza has started self-googling yet.
Anyway, one of my favourite ever pieces of ILB writing was our 2008 review in which we counted down the 20 most read ILB posts of the previous year. And why fuck with the classics? We hereby present to you part 1 of the 20 pieces of Passantino script that had you kids on the internet going “lol” and blithely pressing “thumbs up” on Stumbleupon, to no visible effect on our hit rates.
Making its way onto our countdown for the second year running (although admittedly in a fall from last year’s position of #8) is this paean to a bunch of grime kiddies who managed to drag their arse out of Chicken Cottage for long enough to fuck up the Wikipedia page of the clapped-out soulboy. The true beauty of Wikipedia vandalism is that it’s basically transient, and unless you tell anyone about your ongoing attempt to add a list of fake “chip tricks” to the entry of Antonio Esfandiari, it’s just your little secret. A bit like writing “WHORE” over your girlfriend’s tits in lipstick before taking her into town.
What can I say? I went to an all-boys’ school, I’m basically an honorary puddle-jumper. We very nearly considered putting “Fairytale” on our top 20 singles of 2009 list, but then sanity briefly prevailed. Since Eurovision, Rybak went on to have a #1 album in both Norway and Russia, and will be providing the translated voice of the viking character played by the guy what was McLovin in upcoming looks-like-a-piece-of-shit animated flick How To Train Your Dragon. But in our hearts, he will always be slightly better than Azerbaijan were that fateful night.
No, I’m not proud this is still here, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t surreptitiously tried to replicate its hitrate success by repeatedly writing about other vague links between perverts and music criticism. Coming up in 2010: those dudes who get really aroused by women inflating balloons – we get them to listen to the new Vampire Weekend album because, quite frankly, we can’t bring ourselves to do it. We have Frankie Valli to listen to.
This really is one of the worst posts on the site, but for some reason people are really interest in Elton John as a pinball machine, so I dunno. I don’t “get” Peggle. I know it’s pachinko-based and technically not pinball, but isn’t it just “here come a bunch of quirky characters to hide the fact that you’re basically playing a budget game for the Atari Lynx”? It’s Hattris for the kind of dumb broads who attend “punk rock knitting” classes.
Let’s nae overlook the fact this guy died in an MMA accident. Did he honestly think the time was right in his career for a change and that he’d be making Dan Hardy his bitch within six months? In fairness, Dan Hardy does appear to be a proper gobshite, but that’s Nottingham/people with mohawks/art students for you.
Basically the best thing on this site, but I’m not gonna go over old ground. Instead, lemme complete the holy trinity of godly Azzurri from the 1960s with this comp of Gigi Meroni clips on Youtube:
One thing I became kinda consumed with this year but never wrote about is my fascination with the feminist blog hustle. Like a lot of kids, especially working class ones who did single-sex education, one of the first things I discovered when I got to university was “Wow, rich white girls are angry about everything”. I mean, you’d think that the fact they keep renewing One Tree Hill would be enough to keep them placated, but no, they’re angrier than a (subs please insert pithy metaphor here, maybe something about Joe Budden fans?). I mean, that’s not when they’re being racist fucks, of course.
Sady Doyle kinda fascinates me because she writes like the gimmick writer from any music review website circa 2005. I mean, I should know, reader I married him I kinda fulfilled that role for a while back in the day, before emerging as the fully-balanced, secure and productive individual that blogs here today. There’s a lot of CAPITAL LETTERS and unnecessary punctuation and overwriting and basically stuff that doesn’t need to be there. Like, idk mayne, who in 2010 is gonna read this and go “Oh shit, I never realised there were some vaguely misogynistic messages in Twilight before”. The fuck do you do for an encore, a series of essays discussing whether there was any coded racism in Curry and Chips?
What fascinates me about the feminist blog hustle(FBH) though is that… like, none of it is really about anything. You’d think that maybe there’d be some fighting for abortion rights, letter-writing campaigns to Senator X and Congressman Y, not so much stuff about women’s rights in the Middle East and Africa for obvious reasons (no abortion rights for people who aren’t within driving distance of a Taco Bell, imo), but still you get my point. But instead, FBH seems to be mainly about getting angry with creepy dudes on the internet. As if XXX_666PiCK_uP_PiMP_X_X is really holding down the cause of women that much. These dudes have already been boyed by God, it’s not as if you need to go round there like Phil Leotardo with two extra bulletshots to the face just to make sure.
Anyway, Sady Doyle is a mediocre writer but people keep Googling her name so, idk, give the people what they want, gotta have a gimmick, eyeball content, etc etc etc. Love “Girls Like Us”, but was never really sure about that toasting at the end. It’s kinda “how not to guest verse 101”. See also: Ghostface turning up on any R&B track ever.
Toasted ciabatta, chilli-infused olive oil, dolcelatte, prosciutto crudo. You just can’t fuck with that, basically. Why are so many people keen to read about late 90s novelty musician Richard Cheese? Your guess is as good as mine, but in fairness his version of “Down with The Sickness” is still an “A++++ would lol again” jam.
Laura Barton is basically Patton Oswalt’s “Physics for Poets” routine except a) without irony and b) with severe cranial trauma. And with the depth of knowledge of literature dropped from degree standard to A-level. What an awful human being.
This video has since been removed from YouTube. But it had a good run up there, and if you can’t enjoy RA The Rugged Man playraping a woman dressed as a nun with a pistol, or Mr Eon getting vomitted on by the most skanked out chick in history, then I feel you must be dead inside. Frankie Boyle’s a cunt as well.