Home > Fuck all y'all, Gay music critic in-reference > Matt Wendus loses stare-out contest with the void

Matt Wendus loses stare-out contest with the void

As all the cool kids say these days, “hat tip” to ILx poster and scribe for a bunch of websites and magazines we don’t read, DJ Mencap, for alerting us to Ripfork. The name may sound like the third-ever piece of shareware you grabbed from download.com back in 1999, but in fact it’s basically much-missed zingblog The Shins Will Change Your Life, except for 2010. And like absolutely everything else related to music, it’s a lot shittier in 2010 than it was in 2007.

Criticising a critique of a review is some fucking event horizon shit, so I’m not gonna even attempt that (although surely everyone knows the first rule of flaming is not to bother with grammar or spelling wisecracks because a) nobody cares and b) you’re going to mistype something at one point and appear even more like a twat). But but but…

I could have sworn that I recognised the name Windus from somewhere, and not just from Raymond Briggs’ beloved Bogeyman stories. Some brief googling brings up Wendus’ former music writing “career“. And from a man who wants to dish out “humbling experiences” to music writers online, this isn’t so much the assrape from The Iron Shiek-style of humbling, more like that one time Robert Altman tried to goose Lindsay Lohan but was too near-death to manage anything impressively seedy. Here’s some classic material:

Arcade Fire burst onto the indie music roadmap three years ago with an unexpected hit album that turned the heads of the snobs as well as the more mainstream press.

While Neon Bible has its fair share of tracks that tickle the tear ducts, it’s more concerned with bleakness on a broader scale. However, the band never lulls itself to sleep on its own doom-raked dynamics.

Yeah, I hate it when people are lulled to sleep on doom-raked dynamics as well. That’s why I purchased a Gaggia.

“Black Wave/Bad Vibrations” features Chassagne at center stage of a song that sounds like a heroin-tinged industrial project headed by Toni Basil

I’ve never heard this song in my life, but I’m guessing what he means is that it’s an industrial song with handclaps in.

Matisyahu has gained fame for being a novelty act for sure, but the man can certainly dish out rhyme and groove

No he doesn’t.

Vocalist Karen O seemed to leave trails of flame and burnt heels as she careened over the stage, spitting lyrics into the microphone like it was an ex begging for her back

lol you’re intimidated by women.

All I wanted was a Slurpie, a bad movie, and some herb

“I think you’re cool, Homer Simpson”

Middle Distance Runner is a band composed of dudes who look like other dudes

JOURNALISM~!

Acting like neopsychedelic intermissions between the pulverizing songs, they further demonstrated Mascis’ mastery of his Fender Jaguar’s roar.

I know, right?

Like, idk. I left mainstream and online music journalism because I honestly couldn’t be fucked to play that game any more, and in reality there’s people who are prepared to write 1200 word reviews on why The Cribs will change your life and fair play to them. But for this guy, who has actually failed at being an online music hack, to turn around and try and set himself up as some arbiter of taste… It’s like if Souleymane Mamam set up a blog where he served as judge, jury and executioner for every player being signed to a top-flight team this season. Fucking retarded.

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  1. January 4, 2010 at 3:17 pm

    I’m glad you liked my crappy writing. If you really want to read some awful junk, then I’d suggest checking out my archives on Revolt Media. If they’re still up, you can also find a bunch of my worst posts on Amplifier Magazine’s website. If you feel up to it, could you write another post about those? The more I get my name out, the better. By the way, what’s yours?

    • Dom Passantino
      January 4, 2010 at 9:12 pm

      tl;dr

  2. John
    September 24, 2012 at 5:00 pm

    A day late and a dollar short. Matt ripped his own music before you did.

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