Heavens to Etsy: She’s crafty, she gets around

Etsy is one of the few online properties to see its hit figures skewed more than 2:1 in favour of female visitors. It’s also one of the truly great inventions of the past decade. Rather than go out and spend £50 in an actual shop where items are made to some guarantee of quality for your missus’ Christmas present, all you now need to do is just type some proper nouns she njoys into Etsy’s search engine and bada bing, she’s now the proud recipient of a £3.99 John Barrowman bottle opener, or a knitting pattern for a tea cosy depicting Diane and Lloyd from “Say Anything”.

Anyway, being as rap fans don’t actually buy the CDs of any of the musicians they spend all their time talking about, they have a lot of disposable income. The Etsy crowd has belatedly twigged onto that and is now seeking a slice of that cashed-up pie. Here’s ten of the finest examples of this. It’s like a fucking Cracked.com post or something.

NWA tennis balls ($750)

The three thoughts I had here in order. Firstly “Wait, is that racist? I mean… nah, it’s just that it’s hard to depict a group of black guys solely through the medium of painting on tennis balls”. Secondly: “Hey, remember when Weetabix used to have Plaster of Paris models you could make of the Weetabix advertising characters? These look kinda like that if you left them in the oven too long”. Thirdly: “I’m gonna have to come up with some kinda tennis/NWA pun here, huh?” The best I could come up with was “Efil4safin”. There has to be better?

Really shitty drawing of Kanye West ($45)

Nobody’s really got a problem with “side parting and toothbrush tache” being all you need to add to a drawing to signify Hitler, but are we really now at the point where “glasses with lines drawn across them” automatically mean Kanye? Even when the rest of the drawing looks more like… I was going to say Gordon Kaye. His nose does look like he’s defecating as well.

Beastie Boys wall plaque ($12)

Kinda like this because it wipes Q-Tip entirely out of history. Ah well.

Run DMC/Taking Back Sunday t-shirt ($20)

In the tradition of those football scarves you see at midweek European games that say “Fulham FC” on one side and “Esbjerg Forenede Boldklubber” on the other, what better way is there to declare your allegiances to both hip-hop’s first supergroup, and… you know. Whatever it is Taking Back Sunday do.

Snoop Dogg caricature ($10)

Apparently Snoop Dogg is a Moroccan with a chess bishop instead of a chin. The same artist also has a delightful piece for the “patriot in your family”, featuring an even larger titted Jessica Rabbit shoving a rocket in the anus of a generic Muslim. How can you not salute?

Bahamadia Linocut ($15)

Bahamadia or Budgie the Little Helicopter in blackface?

Slim Shady “cat patch” ($4)
“Meet Slim Shady: he’s a cool cat rocking the color purple”. All this does is remind me that “The Slim Shady Show” cartoon was an actual thing that was advertised in every single magazine for about two and a half years around 2001. Google helpfully informs me that the cartoon “poked fun at Christina Aguilera”. No cats, though.

Handcrafted Xzibit mixed-media montage ($65)

Xzibit’s 2002 album “Man Vs Machine” featured no singles you now remember and also had a promotional video directed by the DJ from Linkin Park. The album cover does feature Mr X To Tha Z holding a gas mask, but like most people I’m too hypnotised by the size of his forearms to notice anything he’s holding. What is it with crazy Goth broads and rubber-encased gas masks, anyway? Nothing that looks like the inside of a sausage machine should be sexualised, imo.

2Pac and Biggie badges ($6)

A joyous reminder of the glory days when every town centre marketplace would have one stall selling, alongside Metallica t-shirts and Manchester United banners, a shit tonne of badges, usually with funny slogans like “The voices in my head don’t like you” and pictures of the dead dude from Sublime on. Biggie feuded with 2Pac, had the silhouette of Hitchcock, fucked like Hawkins and probably went through ¾ of “Mastering the Art of French Cooking” in an average day’s diet, so it’s good that it’s a themed set.

“She Likes Big Mutts” card ($5)
Presented without comment:

I like big MUTTS and I can not lie
You other mothers can’t deny
That when a Newfoundland-Collie-Corgi mix
Does adorable doggie tricks
You fall in love
With a small mixed breed
He’ll love you, guaranteed.

I gotta Terrier-Affenpinscher
And those brown eyes are the clincher
I know that dog is flea-ful
But that Chow Chow mix
Make me so gleeful

Ooh, Yorkie-Borzoi
You wanna be my new toy?
Pug mixed wit a Basset Hound
I’ll take you from dat nasty pound
Doggy got home.

So ladies (yeah), Ladies (yeah)
Wanna pat my mutt named Sadie? (yeah)
Then grab a leash
You’re shelter bound
Pick a lonely dog from the pound
Doggy got home.