Home > Spotters' guides > The inevitable and utterly uninteresting to anyone fantasy football post for the season

The inevitable and utterly uninteresting to anyone fantasy football post for the season

Skinner and Baddiel

Being a hip-hop fan living in the UK, you know what’s always utterly fascinating to me? That month during the year when US rap blogs just decided to stop writing about, you know, actual rap music for a few weeks and instead decide to let me know how the New Jersey Carpool will be lining up this year, and whether or not DeDonnell Donnellson’s trade from the Fresno Baristas to Manhattan Transfer will change the shape of the league. Well, in a return gesture, here’s me writing about the line-up of my fantasy football team, maybe just beause I can. Last year, Put Ryan Donk On It finished 40,627th out of 2 million entrants, so I’m clearly a fucking genius. Here’s how this year’s team, Fat & A Clown, Bill line up week one. Americans may wanna play the back for this one.

Goalkeeper

Ben Foster (Manchester United, Cost £5m, selected by 5.5% of all FPL teams)

Being as Edwin Van Der Saar is starting the season injured, and presumably leaving him with a lot more time to drive his train made out of chocolate, Foster is pretty much a budger n0-brainer as your starting goalkeeper this year, and should at least take a team berth until week 5. “Funny” people may here like to make a gag about he shares his name with the dude out of Screeching Weasel.

Defence

Patrice Evra (Manchester United, £6.5m, 17.4%)

Hey, remember when this dude decided to claim a Chelsea groundsman had racially abused him, and then it turned out he hadn’t? What a character. Should knock up enough clean sheets to make up for the fact there really is little funny about him other than that, at least.

Brede Hangeland (Fulham, £5.5m, 41.9%)

Why are there no grime MCs called Bredda Hangeland?

Ryan Shawcross (Stoke City, £4.5m, 6.6%)

I know everyone’s tapping their chin and running into some “Ah, but Reading’s second season was utter balls” thought processes at the moment, but you’re forgetting that the reason Reading sucked dick in their second top-flight season was because Steve Coppell was having heavy acid flashbacks to the 80s while trying to fend off Nigella Lawson’s dirty phonecalls, and Dave Kitson was too busy shouting at copies of York’s Notes for not accurately summarising Shakesepeare They’ll be fine, Shawcross will net a bunch of cleans and probably score some fluke free kicks as well. Happy days.

Glen Johnson (Liverpool, £7.5m, 6.8%)

lol toilet seat lol lol lol.

Midfield

Frank Lampard (Chelsea, £12.5m, 32.9%)

kate harding

Liam Lawrence (Stoke City, £5.5m, 0.9%)

And of course the other great thing about the Chicken Little act people are playing with Stoke is that it means you can snap up bargains like this. Being as Rory Delap is secretly shit, I think maybe his long throw assists will dry up this season, but Lawrence is a tricky little bastard and his name also suggests a late 80s “yoof” TV host, so we’ll roll the dice on him.

Nadir Belhadj (Portsmouth, £5m, 0.6%)

Pompey are going down rock bottom this season, and Paul Hart has the sort of glum face one has when dealing with cashed-up Arabs more commonly seen from US Marines in kidnap tapes. Still, they have a scrappy enough start and Belhadj has pretty dope eyebrows, imo, so he can take the first month in the squad no problem.

Strikers

Wayne Rooney (Manchester United, £11m, 21.5%)

Is this cunt 23 years old already? Christ I’m skipping towards death fast.

Fernando Torres (Liverpool, £11.5m, 36.6%)

I do appreciate that loading your team up with two name strikers would have been death last year, when every single team was playing 4-5-1 and relying on Amr Zaki to stop dicking about and start scoring again, but I just have a feeling we’re gonna be seeing more points up front this season than before, especially with Alonso’s departure meaning Gerrard will be in less of a forward position, Ronaldo fucking off meaning Rooney plays more central, and EXCITING DIAMOND FORMATION TIME at Chelsea. Has anyone ever created a scale for rating lesbians on a Rooney (diesel dyke) to Torres (boyishly cute) metric yet?

Sylvan-Ebanks Blake (Wolves, £5.5m, 11.4%)

This year’s Zaki. Named after a racehorse, for what it’s worth. Other things named after racehorses include popular beat combo Franz Ferdinand, less popular beat combo Rooster, and the lollipop, named after 1900s racehorse Lolly Pop. Don’t say you never learn anything from this website.

Subs

Marton Fulop (Sunderland, £4.5m, 0.5%)

Hey, remember when Craig Gordon was the best goalkeeper in the UK and going to be an essential part of Sunderland’s climb into the big 6? Those were great days.

Michael Turner (Hull City, £4.5m, 11%)

If Phil Brown does get fired early into the season, he better do some “ironic” adverts for SingStar on TV.

Charles N’Zogbia (Wigan, £5.5m, 2.9%)

helllo i’m 68 years old and my name is badin bajrami. i’m from macedonia , gostivar . i heared this song 2 mothns ago and i liked so much. so please can some one send me this song by mail . my e-mail addres is : badin_sexy_boy68@hotmail.com

Sebastian Larsson (Birmingham City, £5.m, 1.5%)

Once fucked a lawyer at the back of the Electric Cinema in Birmingham, you know? If you can guess which London law corporate law firm she now works with, you can have every single promo CD currently littering up my bedroom.

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  1. MF
    August 16, 2009 at 6:35 pm

    Genuine LOL @ Benitez’s haunted face and nervous laugh in the post-match interview when Geoff Shreeves asked him about letting Alonso go.

  2. Kitty Genovese
    August 22, 2009 at 11:22 am

    can we have a brief eulogy for that steve guinan goal plz

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