In which we celebrate breaking the “300 hits a day” average for the month
I know, right? IchLugeBullets averaged 301 different views per day during the fine month of July, making us roughly 1/800th as influential as Pitchfork. Maybe we’ll be “presented by Paper Heart” at some point during the next month as well, or maybe we’ll be presented by a movie that looks 1/800th as fucking awful, starring a lead actress who looks 1/800th as much like a trafficked Beijing child prostitute.
Still, that’s an achievement I suppose, especially as the last month has seen a significant downturn in people finding this place looking for rape porn, but a large upturn in people looking for either photos of George Lamb, or checking on the health statuses of Guardian journalists (pro-tip: Lucy Magnan has Kabuki Syndrome). And what better a place than to let you know that the official venue for “IchLugeBullets reaches a quite frankly pathetic level of average hits” celebrations is any It’s A Scream pub UK-wide: the student-friendly, annoyingly “quirky” bar brand now has jukeboxes featuring every song from every UK top 40 since about 1965. This means you can have all manner of fun putting inane fucking bullshit on that nobody, not even you, likes, thus alienating people who just want to drink their Magners and have their It’s A Screamburger in peace. Some examples that dazzled Northampton’s The Penny Whistle this past weekend:
Dark Star – Graceadelica (#25, January 15th, 2000)
These guys appear to have had odious mobile phone shill Ed Byrne on vocals. Completely forgotten as a chart act, but probably one of 73 or so “prog-rock for Rock Sound crowd” bands who were kicking about at the start of the decade who are now probably gazing hungrily at Muse’s sales figures and going “Oh yeah, right, hooks… knew we forgot something”.
Violent Delight – All You Ever Do (#38, June 21st 2003)
This is a pretty fucking impressive chart, all things told. “Ignition Remix”, “Bring Me To Life”, “Get Busy”, “Rock Your Body”, “Gay Bar”, “In Da Club”, “X Gon’ Give It To Ya”, “Not Gonna Get Us” and, of course, the ever-popular XTM and DJ Chucky ft Annia. Violent Delight therefore stand proud and tall as the most forgotten act on it. You could file alongside Trucks and British Beef when it comes to early 2000s absolutely forgotten punk acts, but these guys had some METAL influences as well, which led to them touring with Ill Nino. What a double-header that must of been. Wikipedia entry appears to have been written by the band’s former PR officer, castigating himself for not sending enough scrumpy to the Kerrang! offices.
Clea – Download It (#21, October 4th, 2003)
I forget if I’ve told this story on ILB before, but fuck it, it’s a brush with ungreatness: friend of a friend from back home has photos of one of Clea topless after she got drunk and fell out of her top at a 6th form party. When said girl was on Popstars, he kept holding on and holding on to these photos knowing that as soon as her pop career kicked into full swing he’d be sitting on at least 5k for sending those photos off to the Sport or Star. Clea’s pop career consists of two singles that charted in the 20s, one of which apparently needed setting to a series of clips from Kingdom Hearts. The photos remain in dude’s sock drawer.
Also, as an utter aside from all this, the fuck is up with Shane Dawson’s skin? Is that really the level of attractiveness you need to attain to be a teen idol these days? Dude looks like the Claire’s Accesories Noriega (dictator version, not comedy homophobe rapper).