Let us finally ascertain whether the USA or the UK is the greater nation
Millionaires – Just Got Paid, Let’s Get Laid
Dolly Rockers – Je Suis Une Dolly
Dunno if Paul Wall bothered to Skype them up to officially pass on the torch, but it’s pretty safe to say, halfway through 2009, that no two bands have had the internet going more nuts this year than brokeNCYDE and Attack Attack! (hey, remember Susan Boyle?). The former have been helped along by some of the most hurt butts in history from fellow musicians (and it’s a fair point: when we’ve got to the point that screamo musicians are acting as gatekeepers of legitimacy, we’re kinda screwed), the latter by dumb fucking prick Guardian journalists getting punked into rewriting Wikipedia articles about 4Chan memes and hoping that nobody would notice. That’s the kinda shit you do in year 10, son, not when you’re supposed to be writing for the major leagues. John McDonnell’s forthcoming G2 cover feature on mudkips is gonna be heat, I can feel it.
Anyway, so, brokeNCYDE and Attack Attack! are kinda representing for the rock/post-crunk crossover kiddies, but what if that shit is a little too guitar-based for you?
Millionaires… are amazing. Utterly, utterly, terrible, but I honestly think that with the exception of “9x’s Outta 10”, nothing has made me go “Shit, play that again” instantly on repeat as I tried to take in what exactly was going on. Millionaires are three scene queens (possibly in the same way that Clinic were all laboratory assistants, admittedly) who seem to have decided that the key to taming hip-hop to their unique beatmaking style (like someone had replaced every setting on garageband with the sound of a dress being unzipped) is to morph the flows of that one nasally chick from Northern State with the bit at the start of the video to “Fat Lip” by Sum 41 where they’re rapping in the corner shop.
Why the fascination though? I’m not sure… I just can’t ever remember a song that had less to say in it than “JGP, LGL”. There’s a school of thought amongst some critics when it comes to rockers appropriating rap that plays it something like “Oh, they’re just taking the fun of rap music without the social responsibility blah blah blah white privilege”. As if, say, 311’s “Down” would have somehow miraculously become not shit if it had a Jus Rhyme guest verse on it.
But “Just Got Paid, Let’s Get Laid” seems to take every single excess of the, cough cough, “bling era”, and turns it into… well, what? There’s nothing in this song at all, no humour, no real pride or arrogance or a sense of achievement, just the listless pseudo-celebration of bumming free drinks by sucking off waiters. Happy independence day, America.
If America is to take the scene queen as its one true invention of the past decade (admittedly Japan may like to claim the assist there), Britain’s contribution has undoubtedly been the WAG.
Actually, fuck it, I can’t even be bothered explaining where Dolly Rockers came from and how they tie into WAG culture. All I can really ask is “Who the fuck is this actually suppose to appeal to?” Because the only answer I can come up with is “gay dudes who really, really, REALLY hate women”, like the kind of fudges who repeatedly suggest to their fattest hag “You can totally carry off those PVC leggings, they’re fierce”.
Was the world really calling out for an updated version of “(Si Si) Je Suis Une Rockstar” anyway, especially by three women who look like they’re about to be raped by Jermaine Jenas? No. No it wasn’t. The north of England, as we’ve said before here, really should be wiped off the entire map. Maybe give it to the Scottish? At least they’d fucking appreciate it.