Home > Fuck all y'all > Lena Corner, cretin, has opinions4u about beatboxing

Lena Corner, cretin, has opinions4u about beatboxing

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Dunno if we’ve mentioned this before, but IchLugeBullets’ day job is in the glamorous world of finance journalism. We basically oversee the production and “feel” of a string of finance publications that are read by people who earn more money and do more important work than anyone who reads this blog, hence why it goes a lot quieter during deadline weeks. A common problem that anyone who has worked in trade, finance, or B2B journalism will be aware of is the sudden realisation that you don’t have a front cover piece. Maybe something fell through at the last minute, maybe an article wasn’t as good as promised, maybe it’s a slow news month. You run around desperately trying to find something to put on the cover and, if it’s finance journalism, you usually go for a stock photo drawing of a businessman trying to solve a jigsaw puzzle. I believe this is the problem the uber-prestigious “The New Review” magazine, free with your copy of the Independent On Sunday, must have had this week.
Here’s a couple of random articles from the mag they could have opted for as a coverpiece this issue. “Blur are back”: well, I suppose it’s been done elsewhere, plus for all the “lol we used to hang out with Tony Blair god that’s embarrassing” schtick they’re dropping in interviews these days it’s probably worth pointing out that Alex James was a guest at Rebecca Wade’s marriage the other week. “An interview with Anne Keothavong”: always good to read an indepth interview with someone not currently placing in the top 50 rank of their sport. And “how writer/actor/director Dylan Tighe has made a 2,400-year-old play a modern day blockbuster”. Well, I know who I’m inviting to my next dinner party.
No, their cover article, and this is gonna knock your socks off here, is entitled “The Art of Noise: How Beardyman and his fellow beatboxers are revolutionising music”.
Seriously.
I’m not joking.
Do I even need to fisk the fuck out of this? The entire article is stunning. Check it out here. So many lines, so little inclination I have to mock it. “[a]round the mid-1980s, beatboxing disappeared”, despite the fact that Lena Corner (whose father, Amen, clearly didn’t slap any sense into her as a kid) just mentioned Biz Markie in the piece ten words earlier. Apparently Rahzel started beatboxing on record in 1999, and had no prior recording career to that. Also, later in the article, he’s a “pioneer” of beatboxing, which is fair enough, being as the Get Fresh Crew’s “Oh My God” only came out a decade before “Illadelph Halflife”. Apparently beatboxing was revolutionised in 2001 when someone reserved the beatboxing.co.uk domain name and, I quote, “beatboxers around the world began to realise they were not alone”.
“All good beatboxers sing”. “Beardyman has a great musicality to him”. “Shlomo has turned beatboxing into an artform”. Apparently that one shitty Bjork song with beatboxing in was heard by “4.5 billion people” when Bjork used it at the Athens Olympics. There are “five elements of hip-hop”. I can only assume Lena Corner is some collective of 4Chan users trying to troll the world of rap music fans into self-harming, because the absolute facepalming idiocy of every other line in this piece is stunning. So stunning, in fact, that I can’t even be bothered to go into a tangent about how Beardyman has one of the least pleasant faces in music history, resembling the kind of guy at uni who’d sit in a corner of the party, spill bongwater all over your carpet, and then daterape your flatmate.
Oh, it goes without saying that none of the six beatboxers featured in the article, plus the ones interviewed for one-line back-up quotes, are black, but then again we probably should be grateful that these white people turned up to save beatboxing in the early 00s. Lena Corner, unsurprisingly, is white btw.

Dunno if we’ve mentioned this before, but IchLugeBullets’ day job is in the glamorous world of finance journalism. We basically oversee the production and “feel” of a string of finance publications that are read by people who earn more money and do more important work than anyone who reads this blog, hence why it goes a lot quieter during deadline weeks. A common problem that anyone who has worked in trade, finance, or B2B journalism will be aware of is the sudden realisation that you don’t have a front cover piece. Maybe something fell through at the last minute, maybe an article wasn’t as good as promised, maybe it’s a slow news month. You run around desperately trying to find something to put on the cover and, if it’s finance journalism, you usually go for a stock photo drawing of a businessman trying to solve a jigsaw puzzle. I believe this is the problem the uber-prestigious “The New Review” magazine, free with your copy of the Independent On Sunday, must have had this week.

Here’s a couple of random articles from the mag they could have opted for as a coverpiece this issue. “Blur are back”: well, I suppose it’s been done elsewhere, plus for all the “lol we used to hang out with Tony Blair god that’s embarrassing” schtick they’re dropping in interviews these days it’s probably worth pointing out that Alex James was a guest at Rebecca Wade’s marriage the other week. “An interview with Anne Keothavong”: always good to read an indepth interview with someone not currently placing in the top 50 rank of their sport. And “how writer/actor/director Dylan Tighe has made a 2,400-year-old play a modern day blockbuster”. Well, I know who I’m inviting to my next dinner party.

No, their cover article, and this is gonna knock your socks off here, is entitled “The Art of Noise: How Beardyman and his fellow beatboxers are revolutionising music”.

Seriously.

I’m not joking.

Do I even need to fisk the fuck out of this? The entire article is stunning. Check it out here. So many lines, so little inclination I have to mock it. “[a]round the mid-1980s, beatboxing disappeared”, despite the fact that Lena Corner (whose father, Amen, clearly didn’t slap any sense into her as a kid) just mentioned Biz Markie in the piece ten words earlier. Apparently Rahzel started beatboxing on record in 1999, and had no prior recording career to that. Also, later in the article, he’s a “pioneer” of beatboxing, which is fair enough, being as the Get Fresh Crew’s “Oh My God” only came out a decade before “Illadelph Halflife”. Apparently beatboxing was revolutionised in 2001 when someone reserved the beatboxing.co.uk domain name and, I quote, “beatboxers around the world began to realise they were not alone”.

“All good beatboxers sing”. “Beardyman has a great musicality to him”. “Shlomo has turned beatboxing into an artform”. Apparently that one shitty Bjork song with beatboxing in was heard by “4.5 billion people” when Bjork used it at the Athens Olympics. There are “five elements of hip-hop”. I can only assume Lena Corner is some collective of 4Chan users trying to troll the world of rap music fans into self-harming, because the absolute facepalming idiocy of every other line in this piece is stunning. So stunning, in fact, that I can’t even be bothered to go into a tangent about how Beardyman has one of the least pleasant faces in music history, resembling the kind of guy at uni who’d sit in a corner of the party, spill bongwater all over your carpet, and then daterape your flatmate.

Oh, it goes without saying that none of the six beatboxers featured in the article, plus the ones interviewed for one-line back-up quotes, are black, but then again we probably should be grateful that these white people turned up to save beatboxing in the early 00s. Lena Corner, unsurprisingly, is white btw.

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  1. Cashmore
    June 15, 2009 at 2:40 pm

    How the frig did you find an image of an Etch-A-Sketch rendering of Biz Markie?

  2. Dom Passantino
    June 17, 2009 at 11:00 pm

    Research.

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