Home > I'm just saying, I'm not saying > Trying to work out how the onomatopoeic spelling of “face” when used to tell someone to shut up, failing

Trying to work out how the onomatopoeic spelling of “face” when used to tell someone to shut up, failing

Face A-Team

Apparently someone’s had the dumb fucking idea of bringing back The Face magazine, as if in 2009 it would be anything more than pictures of Sky Ferreira and Henry Holland alternating repeatedly until you throw up.

Still, if its return leads to more amazing pieces of writing like The Guardian has come up with there, I’m more than happy. The opening paragraph’s claim that the year’s biggest tour ticket is the 3/4 reformation of The Specials without their lead singer (sample venue from that tour: the sub-2000 capacity 02 Newcastle Academy) isn’t even close to being the most :-0 moment in it.

You really want me to pick a favourite line? There’s…

How do you maintain the cachet if you give it away for free?” asks one former editor. “Dazed, Vice, etc would murder it.

Where I really need to get to know the former editor in question and ask him how much he pays for his copy of Vice, as I guarantee to undercut his current rates by 10%. Or there’s…

How do you sell the subs? Who wants it? Or is it controlled subs – free to trendy shops – in which case it has no editorial teeth and no budget

Yep, someone complaining about Vice not being edgy enough. That’s well Jefferson (subs, please check-up and replace with actual quote from Nathan Barley I never watched it). Then we could consider:

Like Shortlist, it would be read by Polish cleaning ladies on the way home from the 4am shift

I mean, ignoring the intricate levels of racism in here (OH MY GOD POOR FOREIGN PEOPLE MAY TRY AND READ YOUR ARTICLE ON HOW HELSINKI’S GAY COMMUNITY IS TURNING TO REGGAETON), what the fuck is a 4am shift? 4-12? All copies of Shortlist have been cleaned off the tubes by then. 8pm-4am? Shortlist isn’t on the tubes until, what, 7:30? This is a really bad strawman article you’ve set up here, you racist ignorant cunt.

It all reaches its peak with this final quote from a former writer, though:

“Does anyone there know the difference between bassline and UK funky, or realise that the Enemy and Gallows are barely the tip of the iceberg for politicised rock bands? Like fuck do they.”

This is the new ILB mission statement. I want “Do you realise that the Enemy and Gallows are barely the tip of the iceberg for politicised rock bands? Like fuck do they.” engraved on my tombstone. Or skull. I can only assume being as the guy who said this is from THE LATE NINETIES, he was assuming Pandit G was readying to come back and claim his rightful place at the top of the charts.

Still, Anthony Noguera helped most of my teen year onanism during his editorship at FHM, and if this leads to a shit late 90s lad mag journalist revival, all full of interviews with Paul Kaye, adverts for rolling papers and proto-Ashley Hames Grub Smith, who wrote a sex column that at the time seemed witless, inane, and for people who had never seen a breast, but in this post-Tanya Gold environment comes across as some Anais Nin shit.

Advertisements
  1. Cashmore
    June 9, 2009 at 12:45 pm

    I wonder why it’s saying that “Free Quiznos Sub” is a possibly related post.

  2. Dom Passantino
    June 9, 2009 at 12:46 pm

    I used to eat a lot of Quiznos when I was morbidly obese, fwiw.

  3. Cashmore
    June 9, 2009 at 2:33 pm

    I love that shit. A few more of those, and some branches of The Cheesecake Factory, and I wouldn’t want to leave London and move back to Wolverhampton every three minutes.

  4. yorksranter
    June 9, 2009 at 8:01 pm

    I am currently straddling screaming nostalgia and puking horror at what nightmare they’ll make out of it.

    And the cuntish fuck-the-poor/fuck-the-Poles bit. Attitude fail.

  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: