Wolfram Alpha is a crock of shit
Obviously we’ve all been busy on the internet today frantically hitting “refresh” on Patrick Swayze Wikipedia entry to see if he had crapped out and we could finally unleash all those “I’m ghost like…/Put him in the corner” zings we’ve been saving up since he first dabbled with the big C, but some other shit has been going down as well. WolframAlpha is “some science nerd bullshit”, a Google for the few people around who wouldn’t like to see Ben Goldacre’s smug self-satisfied face kicked in by a gang of Fundamentalist Christians.
The big gimmick behind the WA is that instead of just returning your common-or-garden search results, it answers questions. OG web users will happily recall the glory days of Ask Jeeves, when absolutely every single question would result in at least one link to beloved gay porn story archive nifty.org. Why Wolfram Alpha is apparently better than a fake butler offering you up a story featuring Patrick Berger fucking Karl-Heinz Riedle in the ass is unknown. We here at ILB decided to ask it some common questions that one of society’s finest poets once posed, to see if this “answers engine” could solve a few queries we’ve all had before:
You see? What a waste of everyone’s hard work and effort. Didn’t even bother to ask it why Jada’s such a fat fuck these days. Didn’t seem worth the effort.