Home > I'm just saying, I'm not saying > Baby got Rybak: 10 conclusions from this year’s Eurovision

Baby got Rybak: 10 conclusions from this year’s Eurovision

Alexander Rybak Fairytales cover

  • If we’re being fair to the guy, and if we can leave off the played out eyebrow zings everyone was tossing around like so much confetti last night, Rybak clearly deserved to win. You can piss and moan that he didn’t deserve to win in such a crushing, Taylor versus Manley fashion, but if you cast your mind back to the other 24 songs that got played out yesterday, try and pick another one that came equipped with a marketable personality (Middle Earth Jonas Brother lookin’ boy that he is) and also came equipped with classic Eurovision tropes (some backflips, some “ethnic” “folk” “pop” that actually sounded a bit like the Bluebells if we’re being honest). Plus this level of victory means that Lordi no longer hold the Eurovision points record, so hopefully we can put that sad and tawdry episode of Europe’s musical history to bed.
    Talking about Eurovision tropes, we voted for Azerbaijan last night, because it seemed the most “Eurovisionny” of all the half-decent songs there, a duet between what appeared to be a sales representative for wholesale halal meat and his layabout, spoilt brat daughter. The guy even busted out the running man during the semi-final stages of the tournament, so we gotta pay homage.
    The UK finished, you know, high at some point or other or something with some bullshit “track 13 on the ‘Tracks From And Inspired By’ soundtrack CD from some forgotten 1998 Disney movie” tune. Well done all involved. If Jade goes on to ever get any TV coverage ever again outside of her appearing on The Games in mid 2011 I will lick Andrew Lloyd-Webber’s taint.
    The incongruity of Germany’s performance, featuring as it did possibly the worst song of the night and Dita Von Teese occasionally grinding away in the corner of the camera shot, resonated with me strongly. Therefore, we propose that from now on Ms Von Teese dances alongside all other utter abject no-hopers facing up to a clear degree of failure and humiliation because they’re quite clearly not up to the task, and as such we hope to see her on Match Of The Day shaking her pasties by Alan Shearer’s head as he goes “The lads in the dressing room are all disappointed clearly, but they all know this is the time of the season to stand up and be counted”.
    Graham Norton was annoyingly acceptable as a host. Like most people, I was annoyed that Wogan got gassed from his presenting role before he could enter the full-scale Big Ron moment breakdown that he had been quite clearly building up to for the past 15 years, but what are you gonna do? Norton actually seemed to be pretty clued up on his Eurovision history: whether this was due to an actual fandom of it, or whether he had a Gillette Soccer Saturday-esque team of researchers knocking out facts for him to read out in real time, I dunno. Actually, maybe get Thommo, Merse and Le Tiss to cohost next year’s? Us hetroes need to reclaim this damn show, man…
    Wise words from YouTube
    KRizma93 (6 minutes ago)   0    Reply | Spam
    damn I’mma black american rapper and i also love this song somehow it got da special somethin and it doesnt get out of my ear i listen to that song day n nite 4 real damn he deserved to win respect
    As for your wooden spoon winners, it was wonderful of Finland to turn the whole piece into a “Where are they now?” spectacle for that kid from Bomfunk MCs, but we’re now at least 15 years on from River City Groove, and surely people have worked out that rap has zero place at the Eurovision. Unless some country hires the “black american rapper” from up-post.
    Unsurprisingly, the in-show entertainment didn’t provide anything in the way of joys, but why was there a massed singalong orchestrated backstage to “Not Gonna Get Us” by taTu and not, say, “All The Things She Said”, which was actually their biggest hit? Or even, if we have to karaoke a Russian pop smash from the past decade, get motherfucking “Resurrection” by PPK up in that place. Let’s see the hatchet-faced Celine Dion-alike France sent for some reason croon her way through those Yuri Gagarin vocal samples.
  • If we’re being fair to the guy, and if we can leave off the played out eyebrow zings everyone was tossing around like so much confetti last night, Rybak clearly deserved to win. You can piss and moan that he didn’t deserve to win in such a crushing, Taylor versus Manley fashion, but if you cast your mind back to the other 24 songs that got played out yesterday, try and pick another one that came equipped with a marketable personality (Middle Earth Jonas Brother lookin’ boy that he is) and also came equipped with classic Eurovision tropes (some backflips, some “ethnic” “folk” “pop” that actually sounded a bit like the Bluebells if we’re being honest). Plus this level of victory means that Lordi no longer hold the Eurovision points record, so hopefully we can put that sad and tawdry episode of Europe’s musical history to bed.
  • Talking about Eurovision tropes, we voted for Azerbaijan last night, because it seemed the most “Eurovisionny” of all the half-decent songs there, a duet between what appeared to be a sales representative for wholesale halal meat and his layabout, spoilt brat daughter. The guy even busted out the running man during the semi-final stages of the tournament, so we gotta pay homage.
  • The UK finished, you know, high at some point or other or something with some bullshit “track 13 on the ‘Tracks From And Inspired By’ soundtrack CD from some forgotten 1998 Disney movie” tune. Well done all involved. If Jade goes on to ever get any TV coverage ever again outside of her appearing on The Games in mid 2011 I will lick Andrew Lloyd-Webber’s taint.
  • The incongruity of Germany’s performance, featuring as it did possibly the worst song of the night and Dita Von Teese occasionally grinding away in the corner of the camera shot, resonated with me strongly. Therefore, we propose that from now on Ms Von Teese dances alongside all other utter abject no-hopers facing up to a clear degree of failure and humiliation because they’re quite clearly not up to the task, and as such we hope to see her on Match Of The Day shaking her pasties by Alan Shearer’s head as he goes “The lads in the dressing room are all disappointed clearly, but they all know this is the time of the season to stand up and be counted”.
  • Graham Norton was annoyingly acceptable as a host. Like most people, I was annoyed that Wogan got gassed from his presenting role before he could enter the full-scale Big Ron moment breakdown that he had been quite clearly building up to for the past 15 years, but what are you gonna do? Norton actually seemed to be pretty clued up on his Eurovision history: whether this was due to an actual fandom of it, or whether he had a Gillette Soccer Saturday-esque team of researchers knocking out facts for him to read out in real time, I dunno. Actually, maybe get Thommo, Merse and Le Tiss to cohost next year’s? Us hetroes need to reclaim this damn show, man…
  • Wise words from YouTube

KRizma93 (6 minutes ago)   0    Reply | Spam

damn I’mma black american rapper and i also love this song somehow it got da special somethin and it doesnt get out of my ear i listen to that song day n nite 4 real damn he deserved to win respect

  • As for your wooden spoon winners, it was wonderful of Finland to turn the whole piece into a “Where are they now?” spectacle for that kid from Bomfunk MCs, but we’re now at least 15 years on from Love City Groove, and surely people have worked out that rap has zero place at the Eurovision. Unless some country hires the “black american rapper” from up-post.
  • Unsurprisingly, the in-show entertainment didn’t provide anything in the way of joys, but why was there a massed singalong orchestrated backstage to “Not Gonna Get Us” by taTu and not, say, “All The Things She Said”, which was actually their biggest hit? Or even, if we have to karaoke a Russian pop smash from the past decade, get motherfucking “Resurrection” by PPK up in that place. Let’s see the hatchet-faced Celine Dion-alike France sent for some reason croon her way through those Yuri Gagarin vocal samples.
  • You know, as a kid, pops would occasionally drag me along to the local working men’s club, give me a coke while he threw some coins down the fruit machine or whatever. I can easily say that even in an environment like that, I heard less casual racism than you do from the massed myriad of gays at your average Eurovision party. Also, the older I get, the more convinced that gays don’t really like Eurovision, it’s just that faghags think they do and force them to make a big song and dance about it, like your mother buying you Dilbert books for Christmas as she vaguely remembers you laughing at one of those strips when you were 14.
  • Fantasy 2009 Eurovision contenders: Scooter, Neil Innes, Tomas Brolin, the fat one from Modern Talking.
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  1. May 17, 2009 at 5:39 pm

    I agree. Rybak is the man. And Moscow put up quite an amazing show, with its introduction scene etc. One of the best Eurovision shows.

  2. Luke Slater
    May 17, 2009 at 5:47 pm

    Moldova deserved to win. I’m glad Portugal and Romania thought so, too.

  3. MF
    May 17, 2009 at 8:04 pm

    “And now over to Norway with Chris Kamara…”

  4. getoutofmydreams
    May 19, 2009 at 9:37 am

    Naw, you’re still getting Dilbert books?

    Faghags aren’t much better. Spent most of my ex’s do trying to explain to a pregnant girl why you couldn’t vote for your own country. I don’t think we suceeded.

  1. January 19, 2010 at 12:47 am

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