Hey guys let’s all play a Facebook game based on the world of pro-burlesque
Over the past few years, burlesque has seen a major revival across the world. Stars like Dita Von Teese and Immodesty Blaize have taken burlesque out of the dingy pubs and delapidated theatres and tassel-twirled their way onto the world stage.
AND NOW IT’S TIME TO FOLLOW IN THEIR FOOTSTEPS WITH THE NEW ‘BATTLE OF BURLESQUE’ GAME FOR FACEBOOK!
Starting off as a lowly newcomer with little skill and less stage presence than a bag of frozen peas, you must progress through the burlesque ranks by learning new performance techniques, performing at events of increasing prestige and taking on other burlesque performers head to head.
You’ll also be able to build up your burlesque empire too. As you rise up from wannabe to celebrity, you’ll be able to invest in more entreprenurial pursuits than performing alone.
Will you become a venue owner and receive income from your portfolio of bars, clubs and theatres or will you decide that the world of fashion is for you? You can even choose to go down the route of ‘Internet Entrepreneur’ and invest in performer websites, podcasts and communities.
Do you have what it takes to become a celebrity and reach the Battle Of Burlesque Hall Of Fame, or will you be destined to be just another face in the crowded club circuit?
Only time will tell!
Before we go any further into this, one love to my homies at “Fat Girls In Corsets Is Not Burlesque – It’s Grotesque“, a Facebook group that seemingly counts former West Ham striker/skitzoid Marco Boogers among its numbers.
I have no idea why this email was sent to me. The continuous string of messages I get from people who go “Dear (blog owner), have you heard the latest mp3 from (latest rapper + indie vibes bootleg Gnarls Barkley act/yet another rock act that sound exactly like Mando Diao)? We think you’d like it!”, I understand. I don’t remember at what point this blog deviated from its usual string of League One football discussion and outlaw country MP3s to start fagging around as a discussion forum for nipple pasties and really bad shimmying.
ENGLISH GIRLS CANNOT DO BURLESQUE. Fact. We have, downloaded from a private tracker porn site, a video in our collection of the 1980 Britishs striptease championships, hosted by fallen soldier Bernard Manning. We should probably review it at some point, as I’d like to be told if his co-host is actually a pre-fame Su Pollard, or just someone with her face.
Anyway, to me, that’s the English art of stripping. A woman with a bottle blonde frizz perm walks into the Duck and Hammer in a policeman’s uniform, does the “We’ve had a series of complaints/you’ve been a very naughty boy” prelude towards the birthday boy, and then proceeds to strip her clothes off to a suspender belt. That is the British art of erotica. The British are basically a Godless, sexless people. Any attempts to do sex, to do sexy, to do sexual are bound to fail. Compare Hugh Hefner to David Gold if you need a further example. There’s a reason schlubby looking motherfuckers like myself can get tail just by pulling the old “cara mia” routine, and it’s because the English are so asexual they will wilt at anything that has a hint of “foreign” about them, hence how they’ve fallen headlong into an obsession with burlesque that succeeds in making every single English girl who attempts it look like a cross between a trainee librarian and a flamingo someone has shot in the leg. NAGL.
I’ve recently become briefly fascinated with Dita Von Teese’s Twitter account. I find it’s hard to believe that it’s actually written by her, every single post comes across as an elaborated camwhore Livejournal entry, the writings of someone who subsidises herself entirely by rubbing her tits to a soundtrack of Head Automatica and Cute Is What We Aim For over Yahoo Messenger would make if she turned that into a full-scale profession. It’s actually rather charming, and quite clearly written by her web team, unless she literally does wander around going “Ooh la la, this is a cute bottle of champagne, why am I only wearing seven inch heels to drink it in?”
Immodesty Blaize is a fucking cunt as well, and her father, Just, should have raised her better.
Also, in this context, “Internet Entrepreneur” means “creepy alt.porn baron”, right? A Facebook game where you get to grope crying trust fund girls as they slowly slide off their American Apparel swimsuit is a fantastic idea, but, again, I have no idea how it relates to me as a person.