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Glory days, in the wink of an abducted girl’s eye..

lindbergh_baby_poster

 

Has ILB ever been afraid of reporting the legend? Of course it hasn’t. Self-deprecation and modesty are for guys trying to fuck literature majors. IchLugeBullets has always been strictly dick-waving, no matter the occasion. So in celebration of the latest Tori Amos album that nobody’s going to listen to, allow me to recall some of the reactions to my review of “The Beekeeper”, four years ago…

No fronting: as a teenager I used to eff with a lot of Tori Amos’s music… dunno why. So when, in early 2005, I decided to sit my arse down and see if I could get some attention for myself by reviewing her “The Beekeeper” LP, I was at least writing from a position of experience, I wasn’t entering just to zing. Truth be told, it was a pretty mediocre review all in, far from the wonderful pieces of tossed-off filler that make ILB such an essential Google Reader addition. However, it did contain the following paragraph:

I’m going to hell anyway, so I may as well come out and say what you’d be thinking if you sat all the way through Tori Amos’ career from Y Kant Tori Read to The Beekeeper: the only way that we’re going to get a good album from her in this day and age is if someone has the decency to abduct and kill her daughter. For a woman that has charted the truly awesome heights of her career with the baggage of a rape (Little Earthquakes) and a miscarriage (From The Choirgirl Hotel) strapped to her back, the realisation is obvious: a happy, contented, motherly Tori Amos is as irrelevant, sterile, and airbrushed as her face is on the cover of this album. Tori: it’s over. 

That is of course a horrendous and disturbing paragraph to have been written. Mainly because Tori Amos wasn’t actually raped. But still, the fans came out in their droves. 50 comments, 61 emails and, my personal favourite, two message board threads culminating in 400 posts between them on the “@tforumz” Tori fan hangout thing. Here are some of the best responses I got for making a light-hearted gag about the murder of a four-year-old girl:

 

From: Seth Lockwood [mailto:sethlock88@hotmail.com]

Sent: Monday, February 21, 2005 6:40 PM

To: dom_passantino@stylusmagazine.com

Dom,

 I’m very disappointed to see such cruelty in your review of Tori Amos’ new album, THE BEEKEEPER.  Cheap shots don’t make a good negative review.  Obviously you haven’t done your own homework to know that this album is anything but “irrelevant,” considering its focus on a nation in crisis and war.  Perhaps you might research a little before making such negative claims, or just stick to reviewing pop music, since it is so much easier to understand.  You don’t have to like the album, but decorum should be used in a negative review.

 

 

I think this is one of my favourites, being as it is so keen to play Captain Save-A-Pretend-Rape-Victim that it actually forgets why it’s being offended in the first place and instead reverts to a “was your reviewer even at the gig?” mentality. Incidentally, Seth Lockwood later went on to release his own Amos-inspired album. Check out this cover art:
sethlockwood
Hot.
Someone should sue you for that horribly tasteless utterance (=sick sort of italo-british humor or what?). I’m just hoping that she will never ever get to read that line. Are you even aware of what you have done? You are calling yourself a journalist for christ’s sake! You should know how harmful words can be.
“Words like violence, break the silence, come crashing down, into my little world….words can only do harm”. 
Still puking about your verbal shit,
Anja Schulz from Germany
*sets fire to his Stylus Magazine back catalogue*
Big fan of that one for obvious reasons, because it implies he actually went to the Stylus website, printed off all, what, 4000 reviews that we had on there, and then burned it on some Papal election/Cypress Hill launch party ish. And why wouldn’t you print off all of Stylus’s stuff? At least two of our staff went on to write for Pitchfork, you can’t buy quality like that.
The way I look at this review is that IT is written by one of those scabby-wristed, fairy-wing wearing Tori fanatics that I find absolutely repugnant 95% of the time. He’s a frothing maniac. The real fanatics aren’t the people who adore everything she shits out, good or bad (though those people are annoying too). The freaks are the one who hold onto a tattered remnant of the past and go bananas when time continues to keep rolling on. And then write truly gitty things like this.
You gotta admit, at least they’ve got my wardrobe down pat.
Anyway, the main reason for me posting this was not to just c+p a bunch of four-and-a-half year old emails and message board comments, but rather to let you know that in the aftermath of me posting that review, someone actually set up a magazine in response, on some full-scale ho-savery tip. The mag in question was Wears The Trousers, and bizarrely enough is still going. Check out their recent Tori Amos review here. I was particularly enamoured of this comment one guy left…

Someone should abduct her daughter, imo.

Comment by Dom Passantino 

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  1. magic monkey
    April 27, 2009 at 1:52 am

    awesome! and glad to se someone besides me understands that tori was NEVER raped! yes, ive dealt with the loonies on @tforumz myself for eons now.

    simply amazing they believe she was raped, when she has repeatedly informed eveyone her songs are NOT autobiographical, and their is, of course, no evidence that any rape occured.

    in the adp, she played many ‘roles’. but her personal best is the ‘rape’ victim’. to think that rainn was spawned on a lie, ha. i tell the ‘victims; out there, 1 in 3, yes, they actually believe that stat, lol. that if you are TRULY raped, yknow, by someone you DON’T know, call the cops, not rainn.

    and, tori now says she was ALSO ‘molested’ as a child, lol.

    and her ‘horrible’ high school ‘hell’ where she was merely prom queen.

    as we type, right now, she has her ‘regulars’ who follow her around the globe, and who are currently in london. they will LOVE this album no matter how horrid it is.

  2. magic monkey
    April 27, 2009 at 7:49 pm

    awesome breaking news! tori’s concert in london, scheduled for tonight, has been rescheduled to may 11th!

    why is this news so utterly fantastic?

    because several of her most rabid stalkers, maria, dor, etc, flew from the states just for that one concert!

    ahaha, i love it!

  3. tracy steel
    April 27, 2009 at 11:03 pm

    haha, i just love the way her ‘superfans’ aka, no life trust fund crazies) like dor, quote: ‘it’s not a total loss, i have ‘meetings’ over here in london anyway. yeam um, riigghht.

    if you so desire, you can follow dor dotson as she attends every tori concert from july-dec on twitter, and her buddy maria, known on twitter as: lousypictures.

    they will be at EVERY show, and no, i’m not kidding or exaggerating. (even the canceled ones)

  4. magicmonkey
    April 29, 2009 at 1:43 pm

    UNREAL. uh, ha. the very same dor dotson mentioned above has just ‘tweeted'( when does that fad end?) that she is LEAVING LONDON TONIGHT, BACK IN 9 DAYS! it took me a minute, shock i guess! that she is flying back, to catch tori’s rescheduled may 11th concert. no no way, and i get called the crazy one. well, at least i’m not blowing thousands to see a long ago washed up single concert from tori amos.

    truly amazing considering dor has seen tori in concert at 250 times, unreal

  5. magicmonkey
    May 24, 2009 at 4:57 pm

    good lord tori’s new album is awful!

    her self indulgence, horrible ‘visualettes’ and ego are getting very tiresome.

    she is toast, the cd is a snoozefest, lame adult contemporary

    and i really dont need more of her glamour shots, ugh

  6. June 26, 2009 at 12:36 am

    thanks again dom, for calling out tori’s fake ‘rape’. not many do, or, like myself are instantly deleted and banned for suggesting NO ‘rape’ occured. AMAZING though, after her telling EVERYONE forever NOT to take her songs autobiographically, how MANY still want to believe it, even when NO evidence suggests she was ever ‘raped’. just a testimonial from an admitted drug user , drama queen, and mythology ‘buff’ in search of ‘archetypes’ like the hooker she played on the beekeeper.

    as for her new album, only her most obssessed, psychophants could love it. it’s bad, trul awful.

    and her vain ‘glamour ‘shots are old news

  7. jean
    June 26, 2009 at 2:48 am

    everyone told me aaats would somehow ‘grow’ on me, even though i knew it sucked. well, it never grew. in fact, i dont like one song on it. ONLY her most obssessed, psychophantic ‘fans’ could love this boring crud.

  8. June 26, 2009 at 3:01 am

    tori’s moment is over. she hasn’t put out a good album in ages, and she’s become a joke.
    where she was once quirky and vulnerable and beautiful, shes arrogant and vain.
    tori is a once talented woman who squandered everything to become what the n.y times calls a drag queen version of herslf.
    she has nothing to say, she’s got money coming out of her ears and psychophantic fans who worship her and turn a blind eye to her hubris and mediocrity. plastic surgery isnt helping either.
    she’s self indulgent, self important, hypocritical, and her views on life are laughable.
    the ‘visualettes’ are really just vanity productions with tori walking around staring off into the distance.
    she’s got nothing left to say. but she loves herself too much to stop talking.

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