Heroes of IchLugeBullets #1: Claude Carpentieri
Long-time readers of IchLugeBullets will be more than familiar with a cheeky jovial chappy by the name of Claude Carpentiere. For the unitiated, get your schooling on and check out classic ILB posts like this and this. We kinda slacked on talking about Double C for a while though, after you’ve given someone a roasting not seen since the days Eli Porter put Envy on the grill, your interest in them tends to wain. Plus, as you recall, he was going to sue us via Facebook, and why on earth I deleted that message from my Facebook account, but kept all the ones from the chick who runs the Robert Crumb fangroup spam messaging its members her eBay listings, I have no fucking idea.
Anyway, so we’d forgotten about Claude. Obviously, we remember when he said he had legal proceedings already underway and if we didn’t remove all mentions of him from our website by January 30th he was going to unleash the fucking fury, but other than that he didn’t take up much space in our mind.
But then… ah, your boy has connections, guys who are happy to go out there and dig shit up for him. I’m like the Guido Fawkes of music blog faggotry. An acquintance of ILB has provided us with the 2001 eponymous EP by sadly defuncy Birmingham-based band Singles. Why is that important? Well… “Vocals Claude Carpentieri, all lyrics Claude Carpentieri”. I know, right?
The EP comes in a wonderful purple sleeve and the phrase “singles” written on the cover in bubble-writing, as if this was the great lost Shampoo release. And there’s an INSPIRING QUOTE at the bottom of the case as well: “Don’t be sitting on a fence!”. Exclamation mark as originally scripted. Anyway, we thought we could get some cheap laughs by Zsharing this shit and posting pithy zings underneath it, because otherwise we’d be forced to come up with some original content.
Not sure if this is named after the horse who won the 1992 Grand National. There’s a guy at work who, every time I mention that I’m thinking of throwing coin down on a race, regardless of whether it’s jumps, flat, in fucking Dubai, asks “Kauto Star?” I have no idea if he’s being ironic. Anyway, the first thing you notice about Singles is that Carpentieri sings like somebody is repeatedly smacking his vocal chord with an erect cock, such is the bizarre twang it has. Is he meant to be Bowie or something? He sounds like “Ron Browz: Unplugged”. You know, I was joking about Shampoo earlier on, but this really does sound like those two crazy broads after HGH.
Contains a sample of some film by that guy who was on Celebrity Big Brother, and as such puts me uneasily in the mood of that Skinnyman album where everything is TIED TOGETHER with some clips of a Tim Roth movie that actually bears no resemblance or shares any themes with any of the tracks rap’s ugliest man is spitting on.”The Day We Die”, though… I’ve written about this on ILB before, but it’s kind ridiculous to think that there was a time where the wholesale ripping off of Suede would have seemed like a Good Idea. In 1999, Virgin Megastore actually rebranded, for one week, as “Head Music” in order to mark Suede’s return. The NME was talking about “She’s In Fashion” as a possible #1 single. Nowadays, Brett Anderson sells seven copies of each of the nine albums he releases every years, and has to spend time engaged in conversation with Sean Adams in order to get media coverage. I think, compared to that, a career being a vaguely racist teacher and being hardbodied by chubby I-Tie wiggas seems like a fucking breeze.
If you took the vocals off this, it’d sound like Matchbox 20, and it’d be OK. As it stands, it sounds a bit like that evening where you lost your friends and realised you were in Camden and so had to poke your head around every single personalityless, overcrowded, booming music shitjoint in that godforsaken area. I honestly can’t make a single fucking word this guy is singing here. ENUNCIATE, MOTHERFUCKER.
Man tries to step up and take the title from Go West, man gets slapdown. We can’t be bothered to listen to this, so why not take read of the only review of this EP we can find online, taken from the uber-prestigious Bliss/Aquamarine fanzine sometime circa this piece of shit’s release:
The Day We Die is the weakest track for me, simply because I don’t like The Smiths. Everything else here is well worth a listen though – well written songs with tunes that stick in your head. I look forward to hearing more from this band!
Well done all involved.