Home > Cultural lowpoints of 200x > Holy Jesus fucking Christ the new Eminem single really is one of the worst songs I’ve ever heard

Holy Jesus fucking Christ the new Eminem single really is one of the worst songs I’ve ever heard

How… how has this happened?

You know what I was saying earlier about people wanting Eminem’s new album to be “not awful”? I think if anyone out there holds hope that “Relapse” will be a more pleasurable listening experience than, say, the second album by The View that nobody listened to, then they’re a fucking idiot.

Seriously, why is this a thing now? Why have we ended up here? Eminem is rich, Eminem can spend the rest of his days burning bank notes and popping anti-depressants in every single colour of the rainbow and not have to worry about his checking account. Surely the royalties “Lose Yourself” brings in for soundtracking “hilarious” freestyle rap battle skits on light entertainment shows keeps his pockets fat.

So you must assume that he’s still recording, that he’s dragged his now aged ass out of retirement, because he thinks he has Something To Say.

Listen to “We Made You”.

Does that honestly sound like the outpourings of a man with something to say to you? Rap music has a strong and proud history of woman hating, men like Eazy-E and Suga Free turned misogyny into a straight-up artform. Even Common’s slap-a-ho period was more entertainingly chauvinistic than this. Look, I gotta call it as I see it: this is a “Cock Mobster” for 2009. That’s how bad it is. The video also seems to imply that Mathers is deeply frustrated that his career didn’t end with a ceremony where Al Yankovich removed the crowd from his own curly locks and placed it on Marshall’s Caesar-cropped head.

Are there any positives here? Anything you can overlook the fact that most of the relationships mentioned in this song have been over for a year now, meaning that Eminem wrote this at least 18 months ago, and has been incapable of coming up with any better material since? Well… stripper Sarah Palin lookalikes still have a career. Dre looks pretty good in a Star Fleet costume. The video doesn’t even end with him “converting” Samantha Ronson. Just dreadful. Or, to quote ILB-approved blogger Doc Zeus, “This makes “Crack A Bottle” seem like “My Name Is…” and makes “My Name Is…” seem like “T.R.O.Y.””

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  1. April 10, 2009 at 7:43 am

    it makes sense that Kim would mind Eminem making fun of her ghetto booty, that’s her trademark, what makes her loved by all

  2. Geo
    April 10, 2009 at 2:02 pm

    http://2dopeboyz.okayplayer.com/2009/04/09/royce-da-59-on-relapse/

    And for the record, I really liked the Big Bang. If you can admit it’s another rapper named Busta Rhymes, it’s a good album. I even came to like “I love my Bitch”, eventually. “I love my bitch” !

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