Twitter morelike Twatter… wait did we already use that one?
We get it, you’re a busy guy. You’re using Twitter to stalk ex-girlfriends, scout out potential “friends of friends”, and observe as people in your office engage in high-scale bouts of passive aggression rather than, you know, mentioning their problem to the person in question. You probably don’t have time to follow any music hacks on there. So ILB manned-the-fuck-up and got our research on.
User: @everetttrue (Jerry Thackray)
So, wait, are we supposed to call him “Everett” or “Jerry” now? The man, best known for his creepy obsessive relationship with some minor rock stars of the early 90s nobody remembers now, has helpfully written a “Twitiquette” guide on how to behave on the site, one law reading “Twitiquette rule 2: don’t block. The whole point is being stalked.” Which makes a stunning amount of sense, if you’ve ever heard a single anecdote about Jezza and his behaviour when interviewing/profiling indie bands consisting of sassy jailbait broads. Other posts of note: “watched John Waters movie last night, the one about all the perversions. Man it was refreshing“, which I’m not 100% isn’t irony, and his bizarre obsession with his “Twitterholic” ranking, an obscure website that calculates an “importance” number based on HOW MANY PEOPLE YOU’VE MADE SIGN UP FOR YOUR FEED. The man is the Tila Tequila of unnecessary magazine editors.
User: Ultragrrrl (Sarah whateverthefuckhersurname is)
Ultragrrrl holding a conversation with the staff of Buddyhead. It’s like 2002 never fucking ended. Maybe we can ask them to slap Francesco Totti upside the head before Italy’s match with South Korea and save me a lot of first year exam trauma caused by drinking a bottle of Amaretto and crying rather than studying. Good times. “Is nobody going 2 defend Shamwow dude? Hooker was biting his tongue & wouldn’t let go! How is that ok? This is why bitches have 2 blackeyes!“. Which is weird, because “This is why bitches have 2 blackeyes” is what I usually think after reading any of Ultragrrrl’s writings.
User: @timjonze (that one dude who got shook when Morrissey called him a bitch)
You use your Twitter to do, what? Go “I’m making chili tonight”, as if anyone gives a shit? Let the world know you “quite like” the new Blu mixtape? Create a totally unrealistic impression of yourself in the vain attempt it’ll get you laid? Tim Jonze has more important things to do. He’s CHANGING THE WORLD. Check out some of this deep political thought:
“But still fine to protest if you’re not affected, no? It’s not like Tony Benn was from the ghetto” “Sick of hearing people call the protesters “lazy hippies” who “sponge off the state”. Isn’t it the banks who are sponging off the state?” “The police are dicks. Not being able to protest is the worst thing about Britain“. And he’s got a fair point, I honestly can’t remember the last time a protest of any kind was held in this country. Are you listening, ZaNu LiarBore? He appears to be having the majority of his political arguments with a guy who says he “loves the NME” because “not many other magazines would give Shellac three pages”. That’s because oh forget it.
User: Imrania (Imran Ahmed)
Early 2000s NME hack Imran Ahmed, like myself, is an alumni of Powerslam wrestling magazine, where the man wrote an article describing Al Snow as “overrated”. The stupid cunt. Anyway, one story going around about this guy during his NME reign was that he wasn’t really interested in music at all, and was just rolling about in the industry in order to get a platform to go into more mainstream media, which he achieved by getting himself some legitimate BBC Radio airtime a few years back. But is he really a naive idiot pretending to like music? Let’s have a look: “On the plane I will be listening to … Gucci Man“. Gucci. Man. I can hear the So Many Shrimp staff biting their nails off in barely concealed rage as I type.
User: @ConorMcNicholas (Conor McNicholas)
No… no, I seriously can’t bring myself to bother looking at this.