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ILB liveblogs The Apprentice

Paul Torrisi memorial livelog after the jump.
  • 4:45 PM: ichlugebullets Hello and welcome to IchLugeBullets’ liveblogging of the first episode of series 5 of The Apprentice UK. Between this, Blackout Crew YouTube links, and my forthcoming post “Why the Cobblers are fucking doomed”, we should have alienated all our American readers by this time next Tuesday.
  • 4:47 PM: ichlugebullets BBC1 is currently showing something called “Waterloo Road”, which I thought was that “fly on the wall” show that used to be on about journalists and trannies in central London. Instead, it appears to be issues of the week TEACHERS dealing with PROBLEMS with her that used to be in Cutting It.
  • 4:48 PM: ichlugebullets Her from Cutting It has just rescued a skitz kid from a motorway.
  • 4:52 PM: ichlugebullets Oh look it’s Neil Morrissey. This isn’t as good as Chalk.
  • 5:00 PM: ichlugebullets If you’d like to feel old, just consider that twelve whole months have passed since the last series of The Apprentice. You’re a whole year older than you were when you first met Raif. Just ponder that for a second.
  • 5:00 PM: ichlugebullets Liveblog is dedicated to the late Ja Rule, who tragically passed away earlier today. Heaven gonna be livin’ it up tonight.
  • 5:01 PM: ichlugebullets “I am a rough tough cream puff from New York”. Well done you
  • 5:01 PM: ichlugebullets Wait is that Doon Mackichan? I think that’s Doon Mackichan.
  • 5:03 PM: ichlugebullets Really not feeling that guy’s neckbeard right now.
  • 5:04 PM: ichlugebullets One of the candidates is wearing literally the longest skirt in history, starting at a point more usually associated with “sexxxxy sexxxretary” pencil skirts, but actually finishing around her ankles. It must be a good 3/4s of her body length.
  • 5:05 PM: ichlugebullets And there’s the obligatory Indian girl with a faced like a smacked arse.
  • 5:07 PM: ichlugebullets Surallen is sending the “gang” off to clean stuff. Neckbeard is unimpressed.
  • 5:07 PM: ichlugebullets Maj, James, Phillip. These are some names.
  • 5:07 PM: ichlugebullets Stockbroker, retail manager, TEACHER. These are some jobs.
  • 5:08 PM: ichlugebullets Noorhul considers himself to “look posh”. He looks like he should be a regional manager at Dixon’s
  • 5:08 PM: ichlugebullets Anita Smacked Arse is the “total package”. Apparently an essential part of these packages doesn’t include picking the right lipstick shade
  • 5:09 PM: ichlugebullets Maj goes with some good ol’ fashioned Chubby Brown-style humour to get the team on his side.
  • 5:11 PM: ichlugebullets lol at guy with IRA killer eyes suggesting “Empire” as a name because it “was the greatest selection of nations ever”
  • 5:11 PM: ichlugebullets Howard is YOUR male team manager. His eyes are the wrong colour for his hair.
  • 5:12 PM: ichlugebullets
  • 5:12 PM: ichlugebullets No really, that is Doon Mackichan
  • 5:13 PM: ichlugebullets The girls’ team appears to have stronger jawlines than the male one
  • 5:13 PM: ichlugebullets Philip needs knifing in the neck
  • 5:15 PM: ichlugebullets Maj looks strangely reminiscent of former ILB favourite “arroganthypnodom”: Sadly without the Tesco bag.
  • 5:16 PM: ichlugebullets Someone just said “How much cars are we gonna have to clean”. And someone else is called Rocky.
  • 5:17 PM: ichlugebullets Unwrapping a hose: “like sudoku or something”
  • 5:18 PM: ichlugebullets Mona is apparently pronounced “mon-er” rather than “moan-urrr”
  • 5:19 PM: ichlugebullets Congratulations for Jasmina for saying “I want to clean your hummer” without sniggering
  • 5:19 PM: ichlugebullets Anita’s face looks like someone’s been dicking about with the layer angles in Photoshop. Her forehead is at a totally different angle to her chin
  • 5:21 PM: ichlugebullets www.guardian.co.uk Liveblogging the livebloggers: Anna Pickard in The Guardian is doing exactly the same “using capital letters to denote irony” thing I’ve been doing so far, and as such shamed me into not doing it anymore
  • 5:22 PM: ichlugebullets Neckbeard is described as a “joke” by some old guy due to his shoeshine marketing strategy
  • 5:23 PM: ichlugebullets Philip just made a fantastic “puff cheeks out to denote upset” pose, and then says “don’t condemn my hoovering”
  • 5:24 PM: ichlugebullets Oh look, the shoeshiners are outside Neal’s Yard in St Pancras Station. Glamour.
  • 5:24 PM: ichlugebullets Philip pulls another face
  • 5:24 PM: ichlugebullets “We need to get to the bottom of the whole cleaning inside/outside cleaning idea”
  • 5:26 PM: ichlugebullets One of the sports cars the girls are cleaning has the personalised nameplate “MI5 Che”, possibly implying some confused political sympathies
  • 5:26 PM: ichlugebullets Anita has large nostrils
  • 5:28 PM: ichlugebullets Philip pulls another face
  • 5:28 PM: ichlugebullets “He’s like Adolf Hitler, he’s a bit picky”. Hitler known for his fiddliness.
  • 5:29 PM: ichlugebullets Liveblogging the Livebloggers: MSN – Selena Ledgerton Cooper has now failed to update in 13 minutes.
  • 5:30 PM: ichlugebullets Selena Ledgerton Cooper’s Facebook photo is also worthy of some lulz
  • 5:31 PM: ichlugebullets This is the point where the “teams” run around like blue-arsed flies and make an extra £7 each
  • 5:32 PM: ichlugebullets Monner already has cracks of tears in her voice as she anoints herself a “fantastic team leader”. Philip pulls another face
  • 5:33 PM: ichlugebullets Lengthy skirt is your obligatory “thick Irish accented broad” for the series, by the way
  • 5:34 PM: ichlugebullets Alan has pointed out that Philip is pulling a face
  • 5:35 PM: ichlugebullets The woman have made a profit of… £160.55
  • 5:35 PM: ichlugebullets The men have made a profit of £239
  • 5:35 PM: ichlugebullets Philip kinda looks like a Sunday league captain.
  • 5:36 PM: ichlugebullets Their prizes for the evening: some cocktails. It’s like Vodka Revolution for the glamour generation
  • 5:37 PM: ichlugebullets “You made £220, we made £150 so the difference is, what, £60?”
  • 5:37 PM: ichlugebullets Monner’s voice is fantastically monotonous, like some sort of central African meditation tape
  • 5:38 PM: ichlugebullets People seem in agreement that Anita and her weird facial dimensions are shit
  • 5:38 PM: ichlugebullets One of the boys just described the flat as “so feng shui”. Philip says he fells “So P Diddy”, but doesn’t pull a face
  • 5:40 PM: ichlugebullets While liveblogging, someone just reached ILB searching for “roberto duran boxer hits woman”. Urban myth or breaking news?
  • 5:40 PM: ichlugebullets Monner doesn’t intend on shouting “No mas”, but I’m pretty sure she’s ghost.
  • 5:42 PM: ichlugebullets Monner does, in her defence, have some nice stripes on her shirt.
  • 5:42 PM: ichlugebullets Women are now just waving their dicks at each other for a while. Monner admits that “The reason there was so much chaos is because of the amount of time we wasted”. Great defence.
  • 5:43 PM: ichlugebullets Monner then says the rest of the team “can talk, they can talk”. She doesn’t go on to say whether or not 50 years ago she’d have left them upside down with a fucking fork in their ass
  • 5:44 PM: ichlugebullets Anita is the most Turkish-looking Indian in history
  • 5:44 PM: ichlugebullets Blondie just hardsonned Anita.
  • 5:45 PM: ichlugebullets Monner’s nemesis, Debra, pronounces “bought” in a really odd manner, like “bworut”
  • 5:46 PM: ichlugebullets Anita’s mouth is upside down
  • 5:47 PM: ichlugebullets Seriously, fuck Anita, bring back Philip and his Soldier Soldier accent
  • 5:47 PM: ichlugebullets Monner is bringing Debra and Anita back to the boardroom. Shocking.
  • 5:49 PM: ichlugebullets fwiw there’s also a good foot difference in height between Debra and Monner
  • 5:50 PM: ichlugebullets Debra’s faced is ridiculously spotless. Anita is sticking her tongue out when she ponders what point to make.
  • 5:50 PM: ichlugebullets Monner is utterly useless
  • 5:51 PM: ichlugebullets You know when you used to play that game in school where you tried to make the supply teacher run out of the lesson crying? That’s Monner’s entire life, that is
  • 5:52 PM: ichlugebullets Anita is now talking to defend herself, despite not being in any danger.
  • 5:52 PM: ichlugebullets Suralan sucks his cheeks in. Danger.
  • 5:53 PM: ichlugebullets Debra now talking entirely in performance review cliches: step to the plate, poke head above parapet, etc etc etc
  • 5:54 PM: ichlugebullets I think Alan’s about to put a banging donk on it
  • 5:55 PM: ichlugebullets Monner is actually crying, but is apparently showing “spirit”
  • 5:55 PM: ichlugebullets Anita “saw money flow out”
  • 5:55 PM: ichlugebullets Debra is “responsible for a lot of things that went wrong on this task”
  • 5:56 PM: ichlugebullets Oh wait, are we firing an Asian girl in week one again?
  • 5:56 PM: ichlugebullets Yes we are.
  • 5:56 PM: ichlugebullets RIP Anita, heaven needed an oddly shaped skull.
  • 5:56 PM: ichlugebullets She’s probably being fucked by Ja Rule in the afterlife as we speak
  • 5:56 PM: ichlugebullets Nice shoes though
  • 5:57 PM: ichlugebullets American pronounces “later” as “leader”
  • 5:57 PM: ichlugebullets TURNOVER IS VANITY, PROFIT IS SANITY says one of the guys whose name I’ve not bothered to learn
  • 5:58 PM: ichlugebullets Anita describes herself as “bitterly disappointed”. Oh shit she’s a lawyer, that makes sense
  • 5:58 PM: ichlugebullets Stick a fork in it, we’re done. ILB out.
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