Trance Anthems 2009: Part 2 – The failures
So, in our last episode, we explained that we’ve recently been involved in a long-term project to bring high-end lulz to IchLugeBullets by pretending to be a 20-year-old girl on a BDSM website requesting album reviews from potential masters before she’d become their slave. We actually nearly aborted the mission when someone said “Haha, that’s pretty funny, it sounds like a Something Awful article”. Fucking guys.
Anyway, in the next edition, we’ll be showing off the finest of those reviews, and in the final chapter, as promised, the full-scale career review of the American indie musician who tried to hypnotise us into getting turned on by his girlfriend pretending to be a chicken. Good times. Before we do that though, here’s a brief selection of the 153 messages we had where the mark wasn’t even prepared to type “I like Johnny Hates Jazz” before offering to shove a speculum up our cunt.
Actually, as a side note, can we talk about the Sicilian tradition of the “sopranome”? This is effectively a kind of “official” nickname, originating from the necessity that in most Sicilian villages, including the one my family originates from, used to have about 12 surnames and four first names, so resultantly there were 22 people wandering around the village called Nino Lo Cascio, and hence they’d instead become Nino The Bald, Nino The Chin, Nino The Somehow Even Shorter Thn All Other Sicilians. The lack of alternative government names, however, means that when I go back to the old country, I can see my name written on about 40 tombstones in my local cemetery. Which is a chilling experience, and one that’s actually replicated by how many collarme.com users have incorporated the word “Dom” into their username.
Such as “newdom2009”, one of the weirdly high number of UK Asians to message us who, after we accidentally opened a chat room window with him before running off, messaged us to say
one good hard smack over your bum for leaving so quickly ……and i do love music as well….though singing is out of the world for me
Which, I dunno, was he intent on subduing us by covering a Jonas Brothers song at us (<– cool funny contemporary pop culture reference, we on that UK Idolator tip).
Some guys we wish had’ve made the effort, we’d have fucked them otherwise. Take “SirTamir”, whose profile described him as an “expert” at “getting massages”, and sent us the following communiqué:
hopefully it’ll be nice to know you .
if you like to know this Israeli keep in touch ,
you may use MSN messenger I’m btamir at hotmail dot com or on Yahoo as tamirbil at yahoo dot com
Which is lamesauce, right? But then you see his photo..
And I dunno about you, but that’s the kind of guy we want to duct tape us while he goes off and fucks his fat ex-girlfriend for a while. Hasidic Bob Mills lookin’ boy…
Also repping for the erotic potential of countries where people get blown the fuck up on the regular is Karachi’s finest, “Haxer”. He sent us a peach of a first message with a helpful “humm” at the start so we knew he was being thoughtful.
humm would you be willing to move to Pakistan for something long term?
FYI, Expedia puts the cost of a one-way flight from LDN to Karachi, changing at Manama in Bahrain, at a mere £442 without taxes, so you can see why he thought it’d be worth the risk and asking.
We really can keep going. intoxicatingdom1 asked us if we were a “naughty girl”, despite trying to somehow reconcile the standard perception of the BDSM scene with the fact that he’s clearly the worst kind of popper shirt collar bro Dave Matthews fan in history:
masterjonathanf (whose clearly fell on hard times since “Smash Sumthin’” was a hit), offered us the chance:
to be humilated such as being made to go to the supermarket in a short rubber dress the boots no panties and bra as you will never wear them again – being made to bend over in front of normal people to shock them and see how many phone numbers you can get and see who tried to touch you while your master watches
This is what he looks like:
Peter Baynham as an Alarm roadie. Anyway, I’m 99.9% sure that public groping isn;t a regular occurrence in most UK supermarket shopping routines. From this guy’s bedsit wallpaper I’m assuming he does his weekly groceries at Farmfoods, but I strongly doubt that things are any different there.
From what I understand of this utterly fucking repugnant subculture, a popular deal is “age play”, where one party roleplays the role of someone of a different age. However, I think the idea is that the turn-on comes from an adult acting like a child, rather than “Dygash” claiming to be 24-years-old.
A message excerpt read as follows:
I got back to England in January after 4 years on the road, its been a lot of whacky fun but it’s good to drop anchor, as it were, for awhile. I’m hanging around Plymouth in Cornwall for now.
Anyway I’m blabbering, so like I said I really felt compelled to reach out and at the very least wish you the best with your life.
I’d love to trade emails with you if you’d like but if I don’t get a reply from you it was great at least to see a spark of joy on this crazy site.
Part of me was strongly tempted to message back with “OMG Jack Johnson is the greatest recording artist ever, please make me force myself to fuck myself with a broken jeroboam in public”, but it’s wrong to fuck with 12-year-olds.
steved14’s message was about as interesting as his username, but what is of note is that he appears to be former Norwich City manager Mike Walker.
I wonder if Jeremy Goss would come around for spitroasts?
Here’s a message from simonoxx:
hi , i,m simon , i run a great pub in gloucestershire with my very sexy blonde bi wife, were looking for a sub girl who would be owned by myself and have sexy fun times with my wife and me, shes only into realy good friendship and sex with another girl but i like to own aswell as friendship plus lots of sex plus spanking etc, you would have your own room and work in the pub with us, we would teach you everything so you can become head barperson, so aswell as laughs and friendship and a job and living with us, you,l also have me as your master to involved bdsm , were not into hard pain or anything so limits would be respected x
sexy fun times
sexy fun times
sexy. fun. times.
Actually, a $50m tax break for BDSM couples who wanted to employ sex slaves in their place of work was earmarked in Obama’s stimulus package, right?
Ofifitatyahoocou isn’t even a proper word, and the guy appears to have taken a photo of himself dropping a bowl of guacamole on the floor.
Although, in his defence, he does have a way with words:
You do look like a silly animal worthy only of being treated as such. Do you find your more of a silly puppy, cute kitten or a rampant rabbit
I really hope nobody answers him with the third of those options, as a desire to be shoved into Sarah Jessica Parker’s cunt really is too perverse even for a website of benchwarmer rapists like this one. The guy then sent me a message with exactly the same wording two days later, and couldn’t be bothered to switch around his game so he was dropping some nice chunky salsa on the floor this time.
And while most of the one-liner messages we’ve ignored here were from men in their 50s and 60s, there’s exciting new creeps out there like midlandsdom22, who may have a mere 25 years on the clock, but rolls with a wisdom that belies his age
even thou i am young i never don’t let numbers rule my mind. You never judge a book by how many pages it has its whats on the pages that counts the same counts in this respect
orgasmaddict, on the other hand, was quite clearly doing exactly the same thing i was and posting random bullshit to the website to fuck up the chance anyone had of using it legitimately
I hold out my red right hand to the girl with black black hair, I take her to my lime tree arbour & she lets love in. Can i be that loverman?
And going the whole nine yards for us was YourMasterPaul, making them say “uhhh” by posting a chain message looking for two new slaves to come and live in his recently built cages. What makes this especially special, though, is that the new Paulie Walnuts has seemingly taken photo-branding inspiration from none other than January 2009 blog Hipster Runoff
YourMasterPaul is a psychopath created by the internet, for the internet.
But none of these guys can top, who to me, was the big don dada of all this. Let me share his message, first:
And what do you think of what you saw, little one? By the way, how high is your pain threshold/tolerance before you cry out?
Which was followed up exactly three minutes later by
If you’re not interested angel, at least politely reply saying so. Not replying is just plain rude.
Because I certainly know if my troubled relationship with my father is going to lead me into being forcibly penetrated by a man I harbour nothing but fear for, I like to make sure that my controller is going to be massively inscure. But then again, I also like it when he looks like this
Ladies and gentlemen, please give a big round of applause for “arroganthypnodom”. I honestly don’t think I’ve seen a better photo on the internet since that one of Christina Hendricks in the flowery top where her breasts were doing an impression of the Hillsborough dead. Everything about that photo, from the neckbeard, to the fact he looks like a white Abu Hamza, the £2 t-shirt, the fucking Tesco bag, the fact that I’ve posted this photo without making a Fluxblog gag… just an amazing photo. His entire profile is 10/10 would read again, and I urge you to seek him out, but let me share with you my favourite part:
I’m also not a fan of tattoos, but realistic enough to know they’re popular and thus I judge each person with tattoos on a case-by-case basis.
Inked ladies of the planet stay cool: arroganthypnodom’s got your back. As long as you email him within four minutes of him first contacting you.
Join us tomorrow when you’ll discover exactly how many men with jaded sex lives like Pink Floyd, and in a total of maybe 300 albums, how only one rap LP is mentioned. Did that one Xzibit track about pulling hair and slapping mean nothing to the BDSM community?