Trance Anthems 2009: Part 1, the introduction
Recent posts on ILB haven’t really been classics. Mediocre. Sparse. A little “will this do?”. There’s a reason for this. Before we go into why, though, let me play Brian Pillman for a minute and break character.
Despite the ILB persona of your beloved writer being somewhat akin to hat-wearing cunt Mystery if he’d dedicated all of his energies solely onto morbidly obese northern emo girls, that’s not really me. In fact, considering that I own every single Suga Fee album, in real life I play Captain-Save-A-Ho to a ridiculous degree. Seriously, there are rape counselling networks out there that’ve tried to save less hoes than me.
And recently I relocated my attempts onto another fortunate female. All identifiable details deleted to protect the guilty, but alongside the usual propensities for drama and daddy issues, this one also currently had a partner. In his late 30s. Who was massively into BDSM. And we’re not talking about the kinda vaguely acceptable, video for “Ayo Technology” shit here. We’re talking “pissing on a crying woman’s face while you’re wearing a luchador mask”. The kind of kinks that only people with fulfilling lives and a really well-balanced emotional state can get into, basically.
So I shopped this around some friends, and while all my female acquaintances called me a fucking twat and put the phone down, a male friend pointed out that S&M kiddies are pretty much cut from one uniform cloth: their favourite movie is Labyrinth, they go to the Rocky Horror Show once a year, they have really bad taste in food, they were all raped by their uncles as kids, they like shitty music.
Or…. do they.
Look, we here at ILB are always up for some investigative journalism, the Fake Sheikh has got shit on us. So, we went undercover. We found some photos of a girl from a University of Northampton rock club facebook page, and signed up for the industry’s leading internet BDSM dating website CollarMe.com as a cute 20-year-old naïf with the following profile:
God I hate filling in these things, like a Ucas form!
Snarky sub seeking strong, dominant figure (i prefer men in my life and women in the bedroom, but i’m open to pursuasion both ways). While always up for fun i can get that on alt so i’m really up for a long term thing here with someone who’ll make me laugh once for every 20 times he makes me cry out in pain. I’m open to relocation if i ever get collared, and i’m iwlling to learn new things. My reports at school always said I was quick to learn!
Other than a good, strong hard paddle on my bum, my other great love is music! I sing with a few bands of friends and when i’m not at munches or at the TG, I’m usually at a gig! So… if you’re going to make me do exactly as you say, I can at least ask two things of you first, because if you dont love music then you probably wont get me. And believe me, nothing is hotter than having a ball gag forced into you while Nick Cave plays. Mmmm.
So: please send me a couple of hundred words on your favourite album of all time, plus a couple hundred words on what youd do to me when you got me under your control. I’ll do a LOT for a guy who knows his music, fyi *wink*
No over 50s, by the way. No offence.
Yep, this is the first in a four-part series on ILB over the next two days in which some of the best albums of all time are reviewed by drooling cryptorapist perverts who think their unique critical perceptions are going to allow them to carve the word “COCKSLUT” into the back of a 20-year-old girl with a Ginsu. Which, weirdly enough, was how Nathan Rabin got into music criticism.
This is part one, your intro. Part two will detail the guys who just weren’t trying. Part three features the highest concentration of onanism and music writing since fill in your own gag here. And in part four, we detail the story of how the frontman of a minor US indie band tried to brainwash us into becoming addicted to his semen, before asking for our opinions on his “Shins-esque sideproject”. Slobberknocker, folks.