Tom’s Top Picks For The Year
If you ask me, the most important piece of news out there at the moment is WordPress has decided that “K_Blade’s PUA blog” is a similar enough blog to this to start appearing as a “suggested post” under a bunch of ILB entries. And really, how can you not flock to any weblog cataloguing the adventures of a pick-up artist in Grimsby? As “K_Blade” himself says, “reading Neil Strauss’s The Game… was one of those lightbulb events when suddenly your reality shifts slightly and your view of the world around you changes”, and I don’t think any of us could argue with that. Thrill as he opens up a “three set” in Cleethorpes, and groan as he fails to follow up “indicators of interest” displayed by a woman standing next to a man dressed as a stormtrooper. In all fairness, it’s a lot more interesting than me listening to MySpace’s tips for the year, which is going to take up the rest of this entry. For the young amongst you, MySpace was what we used between Friendster and Facebook. Indeed, members of the military, screamo bands, and fat girls who have Mighty Boosh DVDs all still use the site itself, and for some reason MySpace regularly send me out emails, press releases and the like despite the fact I’ve logged on once in the previous 18 months (only to discover messages from a) an ex-girlfriend (27 of them) b) Jake “The Snake” Roberts’ PR agent and c) one of Shalamar. The last was a spam mail though, sadly). Anyway, situated at the top of this entry is the header for the last email they sent out: a comic book artist nobody has ever heard of talking about skateboarding, Zach Braff confusing his dog with himself, and The Fuel Girls, who are apparently a “kick ass, ultra sexy, fire breathing rock and roll dance and stunt show”. So basically Max Power girls with worse taste in music.
Slightly below that header there’s also a link for the MySpace of the Skins character “Effy“, which has one blog entry from over a year ago, and runs down the similarities between Effy and Clara Bow. For all the “she has red hair, so do I! She had a cat, so do I! She had a vagina, so do I!” content of it, Effy never states a desire to be gangraped by an American football team or to die alone and senile in her 60s. Weirdly. But anyway… MySpace has selected 10 “Top New Bands” for 2009, only three weeks after absolutely everywhere else did exactly the same thing. And we here at ILB are always happy to engage in any retarded requests send from PR execs, so here’s our rundown of said 10 acts:
We Have Band: I don’t know if this is deliberate or Freudian, but We Have Band, under their “influences” section, have listed their lawyer and entire press team. We Have Band all appear to be in the mid-30s and sound like their CD would be played across the speakers of the sales department at the offices of Dazed and Confused sometime in late 2005.
THE MYSPACE FRIEND REVIEW: “!$!I AM PIXIE…THAT DIAMOND PRINCESS!$!” says: “THANKS FOR THE REQUEST UR MUSIC IS AWESOME BY THE WAY!!!”
Doll and the Kicks: Morelike Dull and the… something. You remember when you went to indie clubs and every single woman there was dressed like Karen O? Actually, scrap that, you remember when anyone knew who Karen O was? Crazy, crazy times. DatK are mad nostalgic for those days. Supporting Morrissey on tour and playing a PA at Stay Beautiful over the next month, which just goes to show that gay men past the age of 30 have never contributed anything positive to society.
THE MYSPACE FRIEND REVIEW: “xPantie Line Krewx [PANTIES]” says: “Hello back!”
Charlie Sloth: Charlie Sloth is a UK rapper who looks a little bit like a shaven Billy Bunter, and has a bio that states that he grew “up in Camden Town, the closest London has to a ghetto”. Because, y’know, the Marcy Projects are absolutely crawling with Portuguese goffs and 13-year-old girls buying joss sticks. He fills his tracks with more ad libs that Jeezy and someone needs to to tell him that rhyming over Cure samples stopped being a good idea somewhere between “As Heard On Radio Soulwax Volume 4” and “As Heard On Radio Soulwax Volume 5”
THE MYSPACE FRIEND REVIEW: “The Cupid Kinkyboots Fan Club” says: “Thanks for bein’ my new kinkyfanfriend! =) ”
Delphic: Say whatever you want about these guys, but this is a nicely designed MySpace page. Clean, crisp, with a logo that looks like it belongs on a deluxe skincare brand. Can’t remember a single thing about the music, mind, but they’re supporting The Streets and Bloc Party on tour, so my guess is it’s awful.
THE MYSPACE FRIEND REVIEW: They turned that section off. Wise guys.
Empire of the Sun: Or “Empire of the Sunsound” as the MySpace email decided to call them, giving them a clue of what esteem Murdoch’s employees actually hold them in. Basically, we had Phoenix nine years ago, they were OK then, there’s not really been a clamour for them to return, why are you doing this? Australians should, all joking aside, be banned from making music.
THE MYSPACE FRIEND REVIEW: “Dominic Odin” says: “You and Ladyhawke: Oceania empowered”
Lady Gaga: Never afraid to go out on a limb, MySpace are predicting some degree of fame for a woman who has merely had a UK #1 single and more press coverage than Woolworths these past three months. 173 million MySpace plays for “Just Dance”? Seriously? This generation is sick, and isn’t going to be healed by a midget who can’t dress herself properly. Bring back Verbalicious, says I.
THE MYSPACE FRIEND REVIEW: “Tosh TM says”: i no you prob wnt wb, as it wnt be you. but i watched ur fasion video and it said you love myspace so maybe you will read this and reply:) i love your music and style its what ive been looking for since i like 12. sounds weird but true i love your style aswell. do u have any fasion ideas for guys? please:) maybe make som or something.. 🙂 xo”
The Ghost of a Thousand: Remember the Gilbert Ratchett strip with the punchline “Oh no, it’s those kind of hun-dreads and thow’s-hands”? That was awesome. These guys aren’t.
THE MYSPACE FRIEND REVIEW: “giggity giggity” says: “fuck !!!!!!!!!!! rolo tomassi !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! see you at aldershot and brighton lads ! …. rolo tomassi !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xxxxxxxxx”
My Passion: Four guys dressed like Twiggy Ramirez engage in a band almost certainly formed solely to piss off the kind of guys on metal message boards who go “If Kerrang! wanted to sell any copies these days they should stop with all these emo rot and put proper metal like Diamond Head on the cover”.
THE MYSPACE FRIEND REVIEW: “iNARI” says “omgosh Jonathan you have black hair :–o that’s so awesome 8) !”
Ghetts: “Get s-tuffed”, morelike. “Isn’t it Ironik, don’t you think” would also have worked as a pun. If all those dudes who were filling Wire magazine up with “grime is the future” articles in 2001 would all like to weigh in on the fact that the genre matured into nothing but chipmunk vocalled novelty funeral joints, an entire scene that idolises that one TQ hit as an unachievable peak, then it’d be appreciated.
THE MYSPACE FRIEND REVIEW: “Dis myspace ting iz long kmt!” says “sho sho!”
Florence and the Machine: Fuck off.
THE MYSPACE FRIEND REVIEW: Fuck off.