Home > Contractual Obligations > Contractual Obligations #3: New Year Edition

Contractual Obligations #3: New Year Edition


Admit it: you’re all holding out on developing a full-time opinion on Little Boots until you know where she stands on the Gaza Conflict. We all are. It’s been a fortnight where every manjack on the big boy publications has been eagerly copy-and-pasting words out of press release so you know who’s gonna be big in 2009. The answer: 7000 female solo acts with some fucking folk influence and 217 bands that sound like The Editors. It’s gonna be a classic year.

But you know IchLugeBullets sees through the bullshit. You know we can sift through the PR lies and bring you the that real. So give it up for the first Contractual Obligations of 2009.

ARTIST: Lowkey

TRACK: Revolution

PRESS RELEASE: One of the earliest ever ILB posts concerned a one-sheet from some UK rapper that quoted none other than Welsh kids’ TV twink Steve Jones as a critical source. Well, give it up for the lads managing Lowkey’s press for somehow topping that: “The best rapper you’ll ever hear in your life” Jon McClure (Reverend And The Makers). They then go on to exhibit further approval of Lowkey from Benjamin Zephaniah, who can eat a diccup for the number of his shitty poems I had to read for my GCSEs.

THE REVIEW : May as well point out that your man from Reverend and the Makers actually appears on this track as well, because Lowkey “has succesfully applied his craft to the world of indie music”. You have to remember that the man broke through with a remix of “Mad World”, which was five years ago now, and yet he still sounds like your common-or-garden Channel U rapper that went and did a few night classes. Reverend, or perhaps one of the Makers, sounds like your comm0n-or-garden NME hype indie musician who had a commercial career death and is now reduced to trying for some of that Gnarls Barkley crossover money. Put ’em together, and you have fuck all squared.


ARTIST: Marmaduke Duke

TRACK: Kid Gloves

PRESS RELEASE: Weird-ass anime drawing of a pigeon hunting scene, a robot dressed as a Victorian villain complete with moustache, and an enthusiastic quote from one of Biffy Clyro. Three of my all-time favourite things there.

THE REVIEW: Oh wait, this is actually the exciting boundary smashing pseudononymous side-project of one of Biffy Clyro. Every generation truly does get its own Boxcar Racer. Biffy Clyro fans all seem determined to post like some sketch show parody of Scots, every line under this video’s Youtube being “Mon the Biffy!”, “It’s a wee banger ye got their lads”, “I am morbidly obese and dying of a heroin overdose”. Which wouldn’t be so odd if these fans didn’t all live in, say, Thrapston and Kings Langley. Biffy Clyro man moans for four minutes over farting bassline, then a woman turns up for the chorus to no great effect. Here’s another Scottish quote for you: “get tae fuck”.


ARTIST: Punx Soundcheck

TRACK: Make That Noise

PRESS RELEASE: “Electro/hip hop/bassline/party techno”. This’ll be good.

THE TRACK: Holy shit, someone actually sat down somewhere and went “Man, you know who were an awesome forgotten late 90s band? Dweeb? We should totally sound like them”. Electro: yes. Hip hop: it’s a fucking sample repeated over and over electro-squelches for four minutes, it’s somewhat less hip hop than, say, “Paddy McGinty’s Goat”. Bassline: insofar as Swedish art students in t-shirt dresses swanning around Dalston would like it? Yes. Insofar as it resembles actual bassline house? Nowhere near. Party techno: if you play this at any party you are an awful human being on all identifiable level. And how the fuck does the Myspace of an entire fucking record label have only 4179 hits? Signs you should quit #213 right there.


ARTIST: Lady Sovereign

TRACK: I Got You Dancing

PRESS RELEASE: Do we really need to do this? *sigh* Lady “Sov” is back, but not until April. She has “overcome all her dark times”.  She has “zest-fresh lyrics”. And she’ll be singing on her new album. I’d clear the #1 in your year-end album list out now, I can’t see anything else topping her latest LP “Jigsaw” this year.

THE REVIEW: Do we need to do this as well? Man… OK. Firstly, she’s had a makeover that means she looks a lot like Avril Lavigne. Like, “Celebrity Stars In Their Eyes” levels of resembling her. The track itself is exactly what you’d expect from someone who had two years of hype, two weeks in the spotlight, and two years of falling rapidly into the gutter: a fucking mess. The beat skitters all over the place, Sovereign strangles half the track with dangling consonants, promises to “do it in time to my metaphors”, and then she goes on to announce “You never heard of a girl who could do it like this”. Which isn’t entirely accurate, there was Corona and there was the chick from Snap.



TRACK:  Shooting Star

PRESS RELEASE: Thanks me for “being aware of his existence (lol)”. Which, sorry to break it to PCT, but…

THE REVIEW: The beat sounds like it belongs on the intro track of a horrorcore album, a distorted power-guitar solo laced over steady drums. It’s really not helping our PCT lay down his “BTEC in music production”-level rhymes. And he doesn’t even apologise to Flip N Fill for biting the title of their Northern House classic. A lazy effort all round, although really what are you gonna expect from a rapper who has no fellow MCs in his top 20 MySpace friends, but does find space for the NME and The Presets. Fucking guy.



Absolutely fucking none of these. Instead, here’s The Housemartins – Happy Hour. Show Heaton some love. 

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