IchLugeBullets: six months that changed a year (part one)
We made it to the end of the year. I’m as shocked as you are, especially as at least three times out of ten, when I go to log onto WordPress I have to put up with this walrus-lookin’ motherfucker staring back at me from the home page. I have no idea who he is, or what his blog contains, but he looks like the disgraced mayor from an 80s slapstick comedy. We don’t need him. Anyway, please enjoy the 20 most visited articles on ILB this year, along with a few reminisces from those who wrote them.
For the first few weeks after this leaked to the internet, ILB was on the first page of google results for “dj khaled out here grindin”, and so charmed by a) the fact that Khaled gets no play on UK radio so we can’t get tired of his schtick and b) LIL BOOSIE RUNNING AWAY FROM A MOTHERFUCKING FIREBALL, we decided to give this some credit. Then it was released properly, so we fell down to about 286th on Google for it. Then the song died an utter commercial death, so nobody ever searched for it again. Still, it’s worth considering whether Plies saying “Ain’t scared to go, I believe in Jesus” for no obvious reason (the rest of his verse is about drug dealing) is just his way of pissing off Khaled’s Muslim ancestry.
While scouting the Wikipedia “recent deaths” page to see which wrestlers have carked it that week, we see that “DJ K-Swift” has died. Thinking that was the dude from The Alkaholiks, we rush over to pay tribute, only to find it’s some fucking radio host from Baltimore or somewhere who went for a hot tub dip and didn’t come out again. Pausing only to make some gallows humour gags about her Myspace, we stick it up here for cheap filler. WordPress then decides to make that post the “hot post” for all Google searches for “K-Swift”. Good work all round.
You know, every time I visit my parents I keep meaning to steal the tape my dad has of 60s Italian rock’n’roller Little Tony covering “Do That To Me One More Time” in Italian. One day children. Anyway, ILB paid its respects to Italy’s second biggest selling recording artiste of all time (not that impressive, third is probably Mauro Picotto) and one of my pop’s favourites. Alexis Petridis then goes on to “discover” “Prisencolinensinainciusol” himself and write about it in The Guardian 11 days later. I’m not sayin’, I’m just saying.
I have no idea why this got me so annoyed at the time, but it did. It may have just been an excuse to post a picture of Peter Finch. Ms Camosy still sends me emails, you know?
16. It’s Pen and Pixel Wednesday On Ich Luge Bullets (October 29th, 2008)
Part of the reason why October was our best ever month. A post completely free of any research, analysis, or original though, and yet it got more hits than 95% of the stuff I’ll ever do. A clickthrough to the piece itself will reveal a comment from “Shaun Brauch”, a former Pen and Pixel employee with quite a penchant for self-googling, as a trip to Cocaine Blunts, Not A Blogger (who, side note, wrote my favourite piece of crit in 2008 with his Eminem post), or just putting “Shaun Brauch” into Google will show.
15. Make-up and stickers and ponies and Myspace.com: the week in Laura Barton #1 (September 6th)
I’m not saying that all Guardian journalists are embarrassingly incorrigible self-Googlers, but… well, they are. Also gets endless hits from people wanting to know what Ms Barton thinks of random fly-by-night indie bands that I’ve just happened to clown in passing. We won’t do an episode two of this because I think Barton’s inability to write is more tedious than embarrassing, although she was shouted out by utterly reprehensible rag “Intelligent Life” as one of the world’s best music critics. Alongside Sasha Frere-Jones. lol.
We actually now get linked to by at least two Poppycockney writers’ personal blogs, so clearly nobody took that much offense at this. The site itself hasn’t been updated since December 15th, so it seems like Passantino called that one down the middle. I’d like to write more about this, but googling “Cockney” has just made me unable to stop starting at that photo of “Doctor Cockney” for the past 30 minutes. It’s like Moby and Dominik Diamond had a child and aborted him.
13. Nemi is a racist (September 25th)
I’m not much of one for hornblowing, but that is a classic ILB post. It mentions London free papers, zings goths, accuses someone of being a racist, and has the first ILB comment from longtime reader, “Em” cartoonist Maria Smedstad. Annoyingly, I don’t think it gets this many hits because of how well-written it is, but rather a) the guys at goaste actually linked to this post off their own private forum which I can’t read and b) I get a steady stream of google hits for the phrase “nemi porn”. Well done guys.
12. Rocklifestyle determines my death style (August 16th)
Before Mofrad, before Carpentieri, there was Thomson. We all know how boxing goes: you start off by fighting some schlubs in working mens’ clubs before they let you get out into the town hall, and in this metaphor Thomson would have been a part-time taxi driver with a 3-17-1 record. Still, we delivered a first round KO, and got comments from Thomson himself, as well as the dude who edits MetalLungies.com and some chick who writes for The London Paper. We get all the celebs reading ILB. As of January 1st 2009, six months after he first started pimping it, Thomson has yet to launch rocklifestyle.com, although in the past three months he has at least printed some business cards, despite apparently not doing anything else. Good work that man.
11. People who fuck animals: what’s on your iPod? (August 10th)
An article solely justified for the fact it contains a jpg of the phrase “videos of me shoving stuff up my ass”, and unsurprisingly gaining nearly all of its hits from people searching for animal porn. I literally have nothing other funny to say about it.
Second half to come tomorrow…