No more, Butchie. No more of this.
This is starting to annoy me now. I’m getting distracted. For the past six months, IchLugeBullets.com has been your number one internet resource for the kind of indepth and detailed music reviews and opinions you’ve not seen since the triumphant three-issue run of X-Ray Magazine. I mean, I’ve been named “solo blog of the year” by some Croatians. Fun Croatian fact: Darijo Srna has a tattoo of a deer playing football on his thigh, and a brother with Down’s Syndyome.
But over the past few weeks, what with a Christmas malaise, we’d been a bit low on content. And then Claude Carpentieri happened.
The original Carpentieri zing piece was fantastically hastily written, and indeed it was started at exactly the same point as an ILM thread on the same topic, with the theory for me being “You ain’t even on my level man, I’m-a let my little homies ride on you”. But if the past ten days have proved anything, it’s that Carpentieri seemingly got onto the internet for the first time on December 16th, and has undergone a rapid learning process in the interim.
It began with him, under a fake name and email address, threatening to sue me for using a photo of him. Then posting as himself under exactly the same IP address. Then he decided to have a go at a response track, which at the time we just passed off with a photo of FDR. But, in the absence of anything better to do, allow me to retort.
a certain 26-year-old London resident who defines himself as “a brilliant writer with flair and wit”
Claude found this sentence on my MySpace, which I’d completely forgotten I ever had (and in 2006 I was listing Shitmat as one of my favourite recording artistes? Seriously?) It’s actually taken from a post off the Lancaster University discussion forum after I’d quit as music editor of the student newspaper (I was 21, I fancied being dramatic). The quote in full: “You’re talking about a guy who only some people can only genuinely appreciate. Passantino was a brilliant writer with flair and wit, but he is also very unapproachable and potentially unhinged.” He was talking about the time I threw a two litre bottle of diet coke over our news editor for… I can’t actually remember.
Interestingly enough, the other high point of my Myspace is this gif:
Which pretty much summarises my entire response to this.
What got on my tits, however, was when he managed to shove in an extremely untactful reference to the death of Sophie Lancaster (the innocent ‘goth’ girl viciously murdered in Lancashire in August 2007), in his twisted words: “that one goth kicked to death” by “dudes”.
I’m not trying to be “edgy” or “callous” here, but, seriously, if you can’t laugh at someone being murdered for being dressed in a skeleton hoody, the terrorists have won. If this stretches to more random beatings in the street for wearing clothing with bones on, this could eventually mean instant street justice death sentences for those douches rocking Ed Hardy shirts which, let’s be frank here, would improve our lives immeasurably.
But then his ‘rebuttal’ snowballed into an onslaught of gratuituous insults (with more than a nice homophobic tinge tambien)
He then goes on to use the word “horde” to mean “a large group of people”, which is just me being a pissy sub-editor but it is still annoying.
Bonus points go out to “Emma”, who also maintains a blog for Cure fans to reveal their stories about how they got into The Cure (“I have bad taste in music, hair, and methods of self-mutilation, presumably”) in his comments section for:
Ah, here we are. One of those home counties morons who probably still lives with his parents in their 6 bedroom detatched house, but likes to pretend that he’s from Hackney and he’s well ghetto innit, blud.
10/10 here for the most ghetto, gun-toting, brrrrrrrrap environ this woman could think of not being, say, Detroit or Naples or Johannesburg, but Hackney. Did Tookie Williams get his break as a fruit stall vendor? Are there many Crips in Dalston? Someone should let Emma know that the one black guy in Shoreditch is Lightspeed Champion, and I’m pretty sure he’s not coming strapped.
Claude followed this blog post up with a third tact, which was to try and serve legal summons on me via Facebook. I just want to repeat that again: via Facebook. All I can say is that it’s lucky I’m not on AdultFriendFinder because he probably would have contacted me through that as well. An exact quote from the message (it’s long, it’s dull, it has zero lulz) is as follows:
If you don’t <remove the Hum Hallelujah blog post>, I will have to resort to legal action.
So that’s something to look forward to in 2008
But this is what I mean. That’s too easy, and it’s not that interesting. So, word to Phil Leotardo, “no more, Butchie”. I’m calling an end to the beef here, because I need to be hitting you people up with content, and not fun anecdotes like, I dunno, ILB’s West Midlands connection was actually aware of Claude not for his awesome work as a blogger, but his previous run as a musician with Brum-area post-Romo bootleg Suede act “Singles”. I quote:
he said to some random girl I was sitting with that he thought Muse were “you know, OK, I suppose, but they say nothing to me about my life”, flicked his hair theatrically and added “…as uh, as the Smiths once sang”
Now that’s content.