ILB’s Contractual Obligations #2
Well, whether we’ve been copy and pasting 7,000 words written by someone else and calling it our own content, needlessly picking on some Nuts journalist who in all fairness didn’t really deserve it, or trying to pass off a series of mediocre rape gags as content, only a fool would disagree that it’s been a banner week in the old Luge household. Even so, we’ve still got to placate those damn PR agencies. So let’s give a big round of anticipation to episode two of our Contractual Obligations.
The band: Dmitry Fyodorov
The song: MD5VSSHA1
The press release: So apparently the same agency has been sending me one track by this guy a month as a part of some astroturfing ground roots campaign? But this was the first time I bothered opening the email, so good work there. Apparently the song is not “an ordinary banger that unconsciously makes you jump and break the trampoline”, and it’s about a typeface. WACKY!!!!
The review: Drill ‘n’ bass remix of the music they play at Vue Cinemas if you stay all the way after the credits of finished to let you know you should be leaving the screen about now. Vastly unpleasant and not in a good way either, like the kind of dudes who’d appear track 15 on a V/Vm compilation soundtracking an evening’s drinking at Edward’s.
The band: Kong
The song: Leather Penny
The press release: Actually makes PR agency cardinal sin #1 by pasting some of the email addresses in CC rather than BCC. Admittedly, in this case, it was just the email address of massively tedious post-rock blog Sirens Sound, but at least that gives me an excuse to post this hilarious stream of 83 messages from butthurt post-rock nerds having realised that their “seven hundred YSIs with no written content” blog has gone down, and being unsure as to whether to blame RIAA or 4Chan for this.
The review: These guys have supported Biffy Clyro on tour. Do I really need to say anything else? OK: somehow, they’re even worse than Biffy Clyro. There.
The band: The Fireman
The song: Sing The Changes
The press release: No, seriously, you’re Paul McCartney, why the fuck are you sending me a press release? Pretty sure you’re gonna get enough coverage without me sandwiching you in between a track about punching women in the jaw and fucking Kong.
The review: Hey, remember that album Paul McCartney did with that dude who used to do all those Eminem mash-ups in 2002? No, me neither. Track would be better if it was written by Neil Finn, sung by Neil Finn, had Crowded House play the instruments, and was a completely different song.
The band: Chopps Derby
The song: Power Lap
The press release: Tip to PR agencies: this is how you do it. Spell my first name right, mention a magazine or webzine I’ve written for at some point in my existence, and then give me links to a bunch of reviews already written about the same song so I don’t need to come up with my own opinions when writing about it.
The review: I actually like this enough for, in a triumphant first for contractual obligations, me to link to the video. Meandering Guru-esque beats provide a pretty jarring (in a good way, Dmitry Whateverthefuck take note) backing for the re-upping of boy racers in the 09. As well as repping for the joys of doing donuts in the Matalan’s car park (Northampton’s branch shares its parking space with Hobbycraft’s, so you get double area to handbreak turn in), the track also hands out leather stringback gloved-clad pimpslaps to Terry Pratchett fans and OG fallen soldier Bernard Manning. Endorsed.
The band: Frankmusik
The song: Was just a generic MySpace link, let’s review, ooooh, “3 Little Words”
The press release: Top tip: if you’re trying to give your low level recording artiste a bit of buzz by sending me a bunch of content that should appeal to me, directly, so he gets some play on IchLugeBullets, why not try sending a picture that makes your guy look ever so slightly less of a fucking cock than this one does:
The review: My main problem with Alphabeat was always clearly that they weren’t anaemic, piss-weak and bipolar mania chipper enough. Thankfully Frankmusik has me covered like a burka with those requirements. Does the chick from Alphabeat strike you as the one musician most likely to self-mutilate? Jus’ saying…
Single of the week: Despite a valiant effort from Chopps Derby, the winner is “I Swear” by All-4-One. That chorus, man… Plus a classic early 90s R&B “fat ugly white guy” holding it down as well.