Home > Meta > The triumphant return of Wiley the Keyboard Warrior

The triumphant return of Wiley the Keyboard Warrior


Could someone get Wiley a World of Warcraft subscription or membership to a furry porn website that publishes all its users personal log-in details? Anything that ensures he spends his time on the internet doing something less embarassing than broadcasting his thoughts on message boards. 

We’ve been here before. The man who Grimey Simey Reynolds once called, seemingly without any sense of irony, “the UK’s equivalent of Rakim, Chuck D, Ice Cube, Nas” seemingly doesn’t click “preview post” to see what utter inane self-clowning shit he’s posting before the submit button is pressed. Anyway, word to Consolevania we here at ILB have been “checkin’ the forums” with regards to the Rolex advocate to see what he’s been saying this week.

Backstory: earlier this week, the video for Wiley’s “Cash In My Pocket” dropped in what seemed like an awful attempt at creating “the new sensation sweeping the internet”. Being as (posts passim) Wiley hasn’t been too happy with his management, you might have deduced he wasn’t best pleased with fighting for Youtube hits with Kerry Katona’s nervous breakdown. Well surmised. In a thread entitled “Mark Ronson Must Of Felt How I Felt Thats Why He Didnt Wanna Do The Video” (I think Wiley’s telling us his sister has no dress sense?):


Now You See What Type Of Idiots This Label Are Making Me Sound Incapable Please Forget This Tune As Quick As Poss If You Can I Cant Hear That Version With A Fake 3rd Verse And I Will Never As Long As Im Alive Perform This Song With That 3rd Verse Init Trust Me Ahhh If You Knew How Mad I Am Right Now Watch The Video For The 1st Time And Its That Shit Version Of The Tune John Woolf I Am Gonna Get You I Promise 1 Day You 

Will Pay For This You Tramp I Hate You


TRAMP! Wiley clearly brings as much lyrical skill to the keyboard as he brings to the mic, reflected in this post from another thread he started on exactly the same topic:

Im Saying This To Every1 Who Likes Cash In My Pocket There Is A Problem Since I Done The Track Some Idiot From The Label Decided He Would Take A Grime Lyric From Another Tune And Slow It Right Down And Try To Fit It In The Tune It Sounds So Shit Ive Jus Heard It Now Im Goin On Every Radio Station To Talk About That Is A Disrespect To Me And My Musical Style We Dont Do Shit Like This It Sounds Rediculous And Im Very Angry That Some1 Has Done This Even If I Go High In The Charts I Will Wipe This Shit Version Of Cash In My Pocket Out Of My Mind And See You In The New Year When I Will Be Back With My Own Creative Control Instead Of Ben Cook Or John Woolf Or Any Prick Who Does Silly Things Like Adding A 145 Bpm Lyric Down To A Band Played Tune With A Much Slower Tempo I Cant Even Listen To It I Will Never Accept This Ever John Woolf You Are The Worse Manager On Earth Nick Detnon Would Piss On You I Advise Artists To Stay Away From John Woolf He Does Shit That You Would Want To Kill Him For Believe Me I Want To Kill Him Amongst Others If He Was Infront Of Me Now I Would Empty A Whole Clip At Him For Doin This Stupid Cash In My Pocket 3rd Verse Mockery Please God Save Me Realtalk I Said It

It’s worth noting that at this time, Wiley’s Myspace still lists John Woolf down as his manager, and from what I’m aware Wiley’s contract with him still technically hasn’t expired, so now may be the time to get in touch with JW and book Wiley in for, say, school fete openings, garden parties, and BDSM munches. Thing is, Wiley is a straight up ARTIST and would never do anything corny-assed like this video for cash like, I dunno, appear on My Super Sweet 16 UK
But like the man himself says:
its jus over for me cos i wanna be more than a scene i wanna be an artist that makes music people follow in a sense so i can be the innovator i think i am
Fantastic. He then follows up someone pointing out what a dumb fucking thing that is to say with the following witty retort:
oi b4 i punch ur mum up be quiet you tramp
Can we blame Wire magazine for this? Does Jad Fair retire from lo-fi/return to lo-fi/declare himself the saviour of lo-fi/tell lo-fi to fuck off once a week on the phpbb2s he inhabits? Or is it just that Wiley is an insular prick with an ego that’s not remotely matched by his record sales?
Final word has to go to “EdgeNote” responding to a _third_ Wiley thread on the topic:
jsut go on radio and stop being a lethal b!
I believe the phrase is “oh snap”
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  1. Wiley
    November 23, 2008 at 11:22 pm

    It Took Me Forever 2 Capitalise Each Initial Letter Of That Let’s See You Put That Much Effort Into Spelling Corresepondent Correctly You Tramp I Will Fire A Whole Clip Into You

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