Home > ILB contemplates the obese vloggers > ILB contemplates the obese vloggers #1: panacea81

ILB contemplates the obese vloggers #1: panacea81

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Changing times for those of those of us here at IchLugeBullets, because today marked the time we dropped three stone from our starting weight, and all we had to do was put up with the increasingly creepy compliments of our personal trainer on our thighs and listen to “Like This, Like That” by Se:Sa 138 times over the past three months. But there’s problems here: this means we can upgrade to a better kind of partner than the “crazy fattey who feels the need to share her life with the internet” model we’ve been rolling with for the past… however many years it was since I was 16. Therefore, we here at ILB present the first in an occasional series highlighting some of the most important fat annoying women to have made an impact on YouTube, to the point they’ve been made a “YouTube partner”. That means they actually get paid to spread their inane bullshit to the internet. These people all earn more money than you. Anyway, enjoy:
Everyone loves a director with a sense of humour, or at least a massive loathing of the subject they’re supposed to be covering. How else would you explain this clip from the BBC’s Inside Out deciding to make the very first words that come out of our heroine’s mouth “I don’t really have any proper friends”? The rest of the clip doesn’t even deal with the fact she’s a miserable lonely shut-in, it just fires a bunch of softball questions at her over an instrumental version of that one Robin Thicke song. Other highlights of the full version of the video including the voiceover guy describing Ms Panacea as having “no mates and no confidence”, some guy who apparently owns a cosmetics company at 4:45 who really does look like he’s just reacted to his decree nisi coming through by drinking for eight days straight, and panacea81 rather optimistically describing herself as an “average looking woman” 

But anyway, panacea81. panacea81 is actually a legit star of Youtube, the second most subcribed to YouTuber from the UK (behind some singer-songwriter I’ve never heard of), and the average video she puts out gets more hits than the greatest clip on Youtube has managed in its entire existence. She has merchandise deals. She met the queen. She’s actually famous, and you’ve never heard of her because you’ve been too busy listening to Crystal Castles. You’ve fell out of touch with the youth, man.

I don’t get it. I don’t get the “let us compensate for the fact that we’re not that attractive by spunking £40 a week on make-up” school of thought. I don’t get clapped out indie girls throwing down that week’s media temp agency paycheck on half a shop’s worth of Urban Decay. Men really aren’t impressed that the area surrounding your eyes now looks like that little bit of paper you get in stationers where everybody tests the pens out. Stop it with this bullshit asap.

Still, if anyone’s going to fleece these idiots it may as well be panacea81. A 26-year-old single mother from South Shields, who squirted her kid out aged 16 (a late developer compared to her local peers, obviously),the average panacea81 video starts off with some self-effacement, continues with some more self-effacement, and then usually you can’t make out the rest of what she says. Because she’s from fucking South Shields. And somewhere along the way, you too can have your eyes vaguely resemble the eyes of Solange Knowles or Suzanne Vega or Samantha Janus or whoever it is the young girls idolise these days.

Look, you can’t knock the hustle, and anyone who can keep the ADD’d fucks of this generation glued to a TWENTY-THREE MINUTE VIDEO telling you how to get the over-glam make-up look Kylie rocks in the “In My Arms” video. Whilst panacea81 wears a hoody and retains the kind of haircut more commonly seen on girls working the Tues-Sat 3:30-7:30 shift at chip shops in Morecambe. And, I think this is what gets me about both her and this whole movement. It’s half-assed glam, you spend so much money and so much time and so much effort on your make-up and then you just rock the same fucking pair of Converse and Threadless t-shirts that you would normally when you go out so… what’s the point? Foie gras served on Mini Cheddars. I mean, front all you want on Dita Von Teese (who panacea81 has an upcoming tutorial on how to resemble her), but that bitch has tight-laced her waist so intently in order to achieve a glam look that she has a) almost certainly  lowered her life expectancy and b) definitely ensured that she’ll never have a normal bowel movement ever again. That’s the kind of hustle I can respect. Slapping £10 of MAC Bullshit on your porcine cheeks after you notice that dedication just doesn’t cut it.

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  1. November 20, 2008 at 12:13 am

    Were I ever to compile a list of my ten favorite people, you would be on it. This post is why.

  2. Dan
    November 20, 2008 at 3:04 pm

    Hey, lay off the fatties! Fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round!

  1. February 16, 2009 at 3:05 am

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