Baby Got (Broken) Back
There’s something to be said for being ahead of the curve when it comes to buzzwords. Whether you wanna come across as an early adopter, a trendsetter, or an instigator; being the first person to holler out the phrase that pays usually brings some bonus credits. Usually.
Let’s say, hypothetically, you were an aspiring R&B hopeful in London. And let’s say you were on some kind of loverman tip, doing it strictly for the laydeez, “girl i hold and treat you so right”, etc etc etc. You’d think you’d need a name that suggested warmth, friendliness, or at least some sort of exoticism, yes? Babyface, D’Angelo: these are good names for a loverman R&B star.
Now, what, at this moment in time, would be the worst possible name for a guy trying to hint at those qualities in his music. No, not Joey Barton. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you London’s very own future superstar of the slow jamz…. Baby P!
Shit, sorry, I meant this link. I doubt I’ll be the first or the last person to do that either. Baby P (the Myspace R&B artiste) must now be experiencing a brief swell of notoriety due to people googling Baby P (the toddler that had Nutella smeared around its mouth before being beaten to death). Can he capitalise on it? Should he?
So far he hasn’t. He doesn’t even mention Haringey’s second favourite son on his page, instead clearly spending most of his spare time prepping up his fantastic biography, where for some reason he keeps referring to himself by his real name, Prince Solomon Tawio:
When prince reached 15 his music teacher as you will all no mr smith a formal teacher of the great dizzy rascal entrend him into his first play Grease who he played as the formal singer johnny casino the play was great this boosted princes confidents and gave him anouth gut to go on futher
And hey, who amongst us hasn’t had one or two moments when we wanted anouth gut? Prince even links to his Facebook page, where you can discover that he’s a big fan of MILFs, £5 a day tube passes, Ricky Hatton and Asian girls, while not being a fan of Alex from Big Brother, Beyonce, Spurs and racism.
Ironically, Baby P (alive one) is actually pretty engaging as a singer, like a pubescent N.London R Kelly, and if you can get through “2 Can Play That Game” without pissing yourself laughing at the moment he promises to buy you “something from HM Samuel”, then you clearly have a heart of stone. So this is a guy who could be going places if he just got rid of his unfortunate name. I suggest renaming himself “Maddie”.
Also, we here at ILB contemplated long and hard about whether to make a joke about (dead) Baby P being the new “Chocolate Boy Wonder”, but we decided against it. More for reasons of obscurity than good taste.