ILB’s Contractual Obligations: #1
Real talk: I don’t get the hate on PR agencies/officers. Especially the ones that deal with me. These are a group of people whose charges are so utterly inept at creating any buzz amongst themselves that they email me, a guy who runs a blog that gets sub-300 hits a day and has no major writing outlets other than a possible freelance gig with a retro video gaming magazine, to help them get next. And what do I do? I ignore them along with all the other emails in my account telling me that I could get £300 until my next payday, or from Flickr telling me that some pervert has favourited one of my photos because it features a woman standing near a telephone booth or something. So we here at ILB would like to introduce the first of a new feature: Contractual Obligations. Like the old newspaper/magazine “singles roundups” back from when bands still released singles (subs: check to see if bands do release singles still?), except solely targetting with stuff that’s plugged up my Gmail account this week. Enjoy.
The Band: Tin Soldiers
The Song: Wait For You
The press release: Doesn’t contain a single use of the possessive apostrophe, leading to a nightmarish vision where there are “Camdens” and not just one “Camden”
The review: You remember how post-JJ72 pre-The Strokes the mode for indie bands was lots of anthemicness, big drums, jangly guitar, and a pretty boy lead singer in a military shirt with HURT in his VOICE? I think Budapest may have sounded like that, I forget. Remember how that was the worst shit ever? Because apparently Tin Soldiers don’t. Solitary entertainment from these guys is that they could actually be Elliot Minor’s elder brothers, if Elliot Minor weren’t quite clearly some sort of cloning experiment gone wrong.
The band: Tallulah Rendall
The song: Lay Me Down
The press release: Contains a picture of Ms Rendall, who admittedly looks very blappable
The review: Pink Martini providing in-bar music for a dinner club in Bristol or Harrogate. It’s all very “nice” and “pleasant” but it does have the overpowering feel of someone who took a Nina Simone elective with Female Singer Songwriter 101.
The band: SEF
The song: Out Of The Ghetto
The press release: “The video is already in heavy rotation in Foot Locker stores and branches of Toni and Guy across Europe”
The review: YAY BRITISH-ASIAN URBAN ARTISTS HAVE DISCOVERED T-PAIN THIS WILL UNDOUBTEDLY LEAD TO ALL MANNER OF GREAT MUSIC OVER THE NEXT FEW MONTHS. SEF, or maybe Sef, also sports the kind of goatee beard you’d expect to see on a Fiorentina reserve team defender circa 1997.
The band: Jay Jay Pistolet
The song: Happy Birthday You
The press release: Opening line “21-year-old Londoner Jay Jay Pistolet”. First line of third paragraph: “Since moving to London 18 months ago, Jay Jay Pistolet…”
The review: Things I’m guessing about Jay Jay Pistolet from this track: 1) dude has a subscription to The Chap magazine; 2) dude owns a lot of tweed; 3) dude can probably trace his ancestry back at least 400 years. Further predictions from me about Jay Jay Pistolet: I will never willingly listen to another tune his acoustic steampunk ass puts out ever again.
The band: The Architects
The song: None, apparently they’ve signed to “The Skeleton Crew”, so we’ll review “Pills” off their Myspace
The press release: “The Architects will likely hem, haw, kvetch and navel-gaze about the most minute details of a mere 6 or 7 songs until the clock has almost completely run out thereby assuring that Adam will grit his teeth ‘till they bleed, Keenan will get “crazy eyes”, Zach will launch himself head-first into a spiral of alcohol abuse and denial and every “underachieving dirtbag” prophecy ever made by Brandon’s former English teachers and Vice Principals about him will be utterly fulfilled to his everlasting shame. Again- past being prologue, The Architects will then shock and amaze their team of psychologists by snatching victory from the jaws of defeat and cognitive distortion blah blah blah addictive behavior…blah blah…borderline personality disorder, etcetera…”. I’m not quite sure where the irony starts and ends in that to be honest.
The song: Man, these guys have changed since they released that “check the body groove, check check the body groove“. I mean, I know the bottom kinda fell out of the loverman 2-step market, but is there any need to turn into… I dunno I don’t listen to punk. It’s like an even more humourless Bad Religion. To add to the hilarity, there’s apparently at least seven other bands called either Architects or The Architects, including a fashioncore act. Good work all involved.
SINGLE OF THE WEEK: None of these. “Do That To Me One More Time” by Captain and Tennille
Now that is a fucking song.