Webcomics: certainly my favourite thing ever
If Ich Luge Bullets suddenly changed from its current mission statement as a one-stop shop for mithering invective aimed at the UK music journalism scene, and instead focussed solely on me taking a piss against the wall of webcomics, then we’d achieve a post rate similar to those rap blogs that exist by posting up every single fucking press release they get, so by the end of the day they have 37 Charles Hamilton freestyles, 74 B.O.B. mixtape track zshares, and a live streaming update link from Mickey Factz’s Twitter account (“@BarackObama: well done man!”). However however however… this annoyed me for other reasons.
OK, webcomics are abhorrent on every single level. I got love for Dinosaur Comics, and Natalie Dee comes across as a less mutilation-scarred version of some of my ex-girlfriends so has appeal that way, but other than these I could quite happily woodpile the rest.
You don’t need to be told why: the smugness, the self-satisfaction, the fact that they have no jokes, the fact that they compensate for having no jokes by just making default references to something that happened in some fucking sci-fi movie once, and the overriding sensation that somewhere there’s a now-adult former school bully who didn’t beat enough sense into his or her quarry.
And then the artwork as well, obviously: there’s a big thing in one of the Crumb compendiums where RC talks about how cartooning has always been a horse trade between those who were great at the art (his example is Marvel) and great at the stories/writing (his example was Charles Schultz). He was wrong, because man like Leo Baxendale brought both in spades. However, you can understand his point: great wits tend not to be great “artists”, and vice versa. It’s just that webcomics pair the comedic mastery of the guy who comes round to fix your monitor at work reciting lines from Green Wing with a drawing style that could be shamed by the doodles one leaves in the corner of the phone bill while you’re ringing up Orange to ask why the fuck they’ve charged you £80 that month.
But yeah… this annoyed me. I mean, the whole range of comics that exist here annoyed me. Take this:
It’s a light-hearted take on the world of eugenics!
You’re so smart, not the dumbed down mainstream world of popular culture for you. No, you have Star Trek!
Coming to a TinyMixTapes staff page near you…
No, look, I have two arguments here. 1) when I was a yoot, Goth just shut the fuck up, acted miserable, and occasionally stabbed a popular kid to death. Nobody could get annoyed by them. Nowadays though, they’ve discovered self-aggrandising geekiness and “perkiness”, and now Goffs labour under the confused delusion that a) the world needs them bouncing around like Teen-C in black and white and b) that Wiccans are not the worst fucking people on the planet.
2) Click here. Investor information if you want to invest in this webcomic (charmingly entitled “Jim and Tonic”, which is the name of a fucking racehorse for fuck’s sake at least Google what you’re calling your piece of shit webcomic before you start it) and its artist’s future endeavours. For a mere 10 C-notes a month, you can go to sleep at night in the comfortable knowledge you’re paying for a web comic to be produced. AND: the artist will send you one drawing a month (the gallery contains pictures of Alyson Hannigan and Johnny Depp, which leads me to believe this is perhaps some elaborate parody of exactly the kind of people who invited me to parties I didn’t go to at uni). 1k a month. It does raise the thought that maybe that one dude who draws xkcd is riding on twankies, but I’m pretty sure he spends his money on tissues to wipe away the tears caused by realising who he is and what he’s done to our planet.
One grand a month though… fuck me.