Home > I'm just saying, I'm not saying > Ich Luge Bullets heroes of music: #1 – That guy with the weird eyebrows who’s in all the Fedde Le Grand videos

Ich Luge Bullets heroes of music: #1 – That guy with the weird eyebrows who’s in all the Fedde Le Grand videos

The Wikipedia entry for “music video“, which I’d idly googled in order to come up with some “historical interest” bumf, and apparently The Jacksons’ “Can You Feel It” and Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” are singles from the mid-1980s. So thanks for that Wikipedia.Whatever, I actually have a point to make on the future of the music industry. YouTube, and new jack genre-specific sites like WSHH and, I dunno, whatever indie videos debut on these days, are going to lead to a big change of tactics for what it means to be a music video. From 1982 to roughly 1998, the music video was intended to either a) fill in for an act who were in demand but unable to make perform in studio 2,000 times a year or b) stand up as some kind of piece of artwork. The idea behind both was to get them onto TV shows that played music videos, such as that one time the Chart Show played The Frank and Walters.

Then we thankfully developed such winning TV channels as The Box, The Hits, et cetera et cetera, where the onus was just fitting as many videos onto the screen to fill as much time as possible. So standards dropped, and we entered what, for me, was the ten year golden era of the cheap-ass video for commercial dance tracks.

All you needed was a couple of out of work models or nightclub dancers, and a dumb ass concept. It was gold. We had ten years of sexy aerobics work outs, sexy drummer girls , sexy cheerleaders from the “Smells Like Teen Spirit” video, sexy 50% Croydon scally 50% droog looking bitchessexy rasslers, sexy women too stupid to work out they’re being conned by a bodrick-looking card shark, and that video a pre-ubiquity Dita Von Teese did for a filterhouse version of “Waiting For A Girl Like You” that was part-produced by Pete Waterman. Her official website, for some reason, does not mention this.

I worry those times are other. I worry that a switch to YouTube means the end for this sub-Benny Hill stream of jiggling titties and unnecessary flimsy plotlines. Pornography had to ditch the pretense that it needed to make sense when we went online en masse, and why would anyone actively seek out bouncing tits bookended by a guy mouthing the chorus to “Arthur’s Theme” over a 4/4 beat when they could just access some pornography themselves? 

I mean, the music video is dead. Quick question: what does the video to “I Kissed A Girl” look like? Exactly.

So what now for those great heroes of the cheap exploitative music video? I hope they keep their bankroll stacked. The “dancin’ whiteboy” from those two Platnum videos. The old woman with the weird arm movements and the guy who looks like Michael Moore dressed as Austin Powers in the David Guetta videos. I don’t know.

I worry most though for that guy with the eyebrows from the Fedde Le Grand videos. Whether he’s sitting impassively while being gyrated on by FHM High Street Honeys semi-finalists in the “Put Your Hands Up For Detroit” video, or smirkly irritatingly while being gyrated on by FHM High Street Honeys semi-finalists in the “The Creeps” video, he stands alone as the last true hero of the music video age.

Your thirty year artform is being defended, on its own, by a metrosexual Roy Keane with eyebrows that operate seemingly independently of the rest of his head. Just think about that for a second.

  1. Maria Smedstad
    October 23, 2008 at 12:14 pm

    I don’t think these vids are over coz they are definately still needed for their other primary form of distribution–on the little vid screens down the gym.

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