Home > Oh for fuck's sake > Girls Aloud rape porn round-up

Girls Aloud rape porn round-up

Take a look at this cheeky chappy, caught dead in the middle of a “wait a minute, is someone pointing a camera at me?” moment. He may look like a slightly more toned version of every music journalist ever, but he’s actually a man in the middle of a sex crime legal case!

Our boy’s name is Darryn Walker, and he’s got the internet going nuts thanks to the fact that he (allegedly) wrote a piece of erotic fiction detailing the kidnap, torture and rape of popular 2004 beat combo Girls Aloud. Running to 12 pages, “Girls (Scream) Aloud” is the first major test of British obscenity laws since that one dude wrote that poem about Jesus being gay, but most newspapers have chosen to mention the 1960 Lady Chatterly’s case, on account of “opportunity to print picture of Girls Aloud plus thoughts of Sean Bean going ‘Shall I fuck thee m’lady” > centurion sucking dying Jew’s cock. A sentiment we can all get behind.

Anyway, so keep your head up in the penals Daz, you truly are the Pimp C of internet wank fiction. But what else is out there for the Girls Aloud fan who just wants to see their heroes undergo the most brutal and inhuman of sexual assaults? ILB’s got you covered like a burka there…

The Perils of Penny Smith (hotlinking may be barred, search around the site’s A-Z if so) seems like a good place to start, with a plot we’ve all paid a lot of thought to at some point in our life: what would it be like if 50-year-old GMTV host and Daily Mail columnist Penny Smith was turned into a sex slave by Russian gangsters? There may be only seven plots in literature, but I move we add that one to the list and make it eight. The Russians in this piece are all called “Vlad” and “Igor” as well, showing a fine research touch from “wolfman, a fine touch possibly rendered useless by his repeated insistence on having characters chug down glasses of horse semen. Anyway, Girls Aloud merely make a brief appearance in this tale, if I may quote, “being forced to eat each others pussies while a group of men masturbated over them”. Their cameo is pretty much overshadowed by the fact that it comes in between Victoria Beckham being spit-roasted by Jonathan Ross and Richard Branson, and a rather overly detailed description of Eamonn Holmes’ cock.

Thankfully, Girls Aloud get a much bigger role in Wolfman’s eagerly awaited sequel “The Further Perils of Penny Smith“, which gets off to a great start early doors with the sentence:

Eammon Holmes was connected in some way with Igor and his gang of Russian criminals, who effectivel now owned Penny and She knew better than to annoy him.

Just to clarify here:

Russian Mobster

What an associate of the Russian mob looks like in the eyes of a deranged wank fantasist.

Anyway, so Eamonn Holmes has somehow worked with the Russian mafia to manipulate Penny Smith into teaming up with All Saints to wrestle Girls Aloud in jelly. The story then switches, some would almost clichedly, to Smith having a threesome with Holmes and Kate Garraway, with Holmes breaking off a sapphic kiss to toss Eamonn’s salad.

Just to reiterate here, a man has written a story about a woman tounging Eamonn Holmes’s anus. Just to clarify that.

The jelly wrestling match, which is apparently fought under greco-roman rules, ends Penny squaring off against GA’s Cheryl Cole, and the sentence “As much as Penny enjoyed drinking horse cum She didnt enjoy having to breathe it” is used. The story ends with Girls Aloud somehow forced into servitude in a Chinese-ran Russian brothel giving blow jobs for £5 a shot. It’s a testament to Wolfman’s writing ability that he’s brave enough to just end on that without an explanation how. He trusts in his audience to make up their own story.

Our final Girls Aloud rape tale for this evening is Heath Brother’s “Drugging Cheryl Cole“. Sadly, we end on a down note as this doesn’t feature the sexual exploits of Eamonn Holmes, but rather a limo driver raping an unconscious Cheryl Cole. And, being as she’s unconscious, Heath Brother takes this as an excuse to not bother describing the sex at all. We do get this passage though:

I was absolutely stunned as I drank in the glory of Cheryl Cole’s naked body! She was everything I’d dreamed of and more, full breasts, slim waist, meaty thighs and neat, pink pussy lips. I whipped my clothes off and got onto the bed, my cock already up to a full 12 inches for my wonderful Geordie prize!

So there you go. A brief survey of Girls Aloud rape porn. And, having read this, I can only say I hope that Darryn Walker gets the fucking death penalty for (allegedly) contributing to such a state of affairs.

  1. Maria Smedstad
    October 3, 2008 at 9:01 am | #1

    This guy’s gotta be found innocent, otherwise I’m in big trouble for my collection of Nemi rape-porn.

  2. June 29, 2009 at 7:22 pm | #2

    hiya,

    perhaps email me both GA and Smith stories?

    having difficulty contacting Walker.

    cheers

    A

  1. October 3, 2008 at 1:17 am | #1
  2. January 21, 2010 at 1:46 pm | #2

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