Home > Pour one out > Let’s all laugh at a man in sad terminal decline pt2

Let’s all laugh at a man in sad terminal decline pt2

Chapel Hill, North Carolina hasn’t been as popping as it was last Friday for a long, long time. Not only did Ben Folds stopped hanging out with Neil Hannon for long enough to possibly put together a decent song for the first time in a decade reformed Ben Folds Five (for a charity dedicated to kids with hair lips, of all things), but Ric Flair only went and had his fucking head kicked in by his daughter in the same town as well.The Ric Flair story is not only massively hilarious but also far too tedious to relate to the 98% of my readership who don’t give a shit about professional wrestling. The Cliff Notes version would read something similar to… Remember when Maradona was at the lowest of his ebbs, cocaine-bellied to the full and opening supermarkets in Argentina to make bills meet while his disowned son was running across golf courses just to get a word with him? Now imagine that all of his cash problems were caused by himself, and at this exact point he both a) divorced one wife b) bought the new one a $100,000 diamond ring. Whilst owning $2million to the tax authority. And having willingly cut his ties with the one pro-wrestling federation in America that makes any money. Oh, and that a few years prior to this he was nearly charged with sexual assault after “spinning his genitals” at the air stewardess on a flight he took. Being bloodied by “Ashley Fliehr” is, undoubtedly, another triumphant stride Ricky’s taking towards his entire life story being used word-for-word as the basis for a mediocre Will Ferrell comedy in the near future.

Sadly, Ashley appears to have deleted her Facebook account since all of this went down, but from that photo it’s safe to say I’d rather fuck her than fight her.

Bringing it back to music though, one thing Flair has to be miffed about, other than his entire life amounting to a series of debts, crippling injuries, and total lack of mainstream recognition, is that he’s never been taken to his heart by the rap community. Lesser grap talents have. Tito Santana is namechecked in tracks by Eddie Ill & DLXololanxinco, Heavy D, Annakin Slayd and Killarmy. Mr Perfect got shouted out by Heltah Skeltah, Wyclef Jean, Chino XL and Pace Won twice. All Flair can manage is one of the tracks from the album that John Cena put out and, my personal favourite, “Pay Per View” by Ruff Ryders.

Around the time of the last major wrestling boom, a lot of rappers were given cash just to record bullshit tracks with rappers’ names in. I’m pretty sure the DX theme tune was the last decent payday Jam Master Jay got, for instance, and Kool Keith and ODB hooking up for Mankind’s rap theme was a nice “Jack Benny versus Bob Hope” style experiment to see which of the two would still be alive a decade later. WCW didn’t really get the best of this though, those of us who can still remember the Cypress Hill b-side on “Rock Superstar” that just featured a confused B-Real adding “Suplex you like/piledrive you like” to lots of massively unrelated rhymes. But, if I may, let me quote Jadakiss’s verse from “Pay Per View”:

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo

Jadakiss baby throw plenty of blows

Cause the Ryders roll thick like NWO

Everybody wanna shine until they get Steinerlined

Show vital signs, pinned two-three

You ain’t leave with the belt, then you ain’t with me

Cause I’m the heavyweight champ I’ll give you a title shot

You better bring your best ’cause I always win the match

Run up in your dressing room, chair to your head

Then I chokeslam your manager and leave with the bread

Don’t matter what the price is I’m copping the belt

I hop off the top rope and chop you in the throat

Come through like Sting all black with a bat

Then I drop you like Goldberg right on your back

You know styling and profiling like Ric Flair dressed me

Sort of like Kidman, all the chicks think I’m sexy

Ruff Ryders, WCW, you wanna test me

And to think people were up in arms about the “McDonalds to pay rappers to rhyme about their products” news story a few years back. I refuse to believe any Chicken Premiere-related bars could be as embarassing as that.
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