Home > Fuck all y'all > Make-up and stickers and ponies and Myspace.com: the week in Laura Barton #1

Make-up and stickers and ponies and Myspace.com: the week in Laura Barton #1

Ich Luge Bullets, recently described a “hideous cunt“, has always been one to shout out the rich tapestry of talented, hard-working, insightful, and completely unwilling to take advantage of nepotism and the school tie network members of the UK music press. But we’ve all got jobs to go to, bills to pay, a hustle to get on: you’re not going to get the chance to read every single piece that gets written week in, week out.

Therefore, we here at ILB are proud to present the latest exciting feature for this soon-to-be forgotten 200 hit a day blog, “Make-up and Stickers and Ponies and Myspace.com”, where we helpfully run down the week’s contributions to journalism by certainly my, and hopefully your, favourite music writer, married-to-the-game bon mot dropper Laura Barton of The Guardian.It’s been a pretty quiet week for Lozzy, however: only three pieces published. No doubt she is still exhausted from spending 200 fucking words talking about how she bought Craig Finn a Mini Milk. Never worry though, because, what, every time she drops she doesn’t put that fucking heat on your plate?

Heat 1: Operas: are they a good thing or a bad thing?

Says our intrepid missionary of the low arts:

But can they make me want to come back? I am, surely, exactly the sort of person they are trying to tempt. I spend much of my time listening to music and attending gigs. I will happily spend vast sums on festivals. Yet classical music has always seemed a cold and distant land, set far away across a sea of elitism. I have had little desire to visit it and I have always bridled at the notion that classical is considered a higher art form than rock’n’roll. Sod your arias, I thought, I’ll stick with Little Richard singing: “A-wop-bop-a-loo-wop-a-wop-bam-boom!”

Remember kids, elitism is a bad thing. Says a WRITER AT THE FUCKING GUARDIAN. Jesus Christ…

So Britain’s second favourite Barton sets off to go to an opera, because Patti Smith (some 70s thing or other, I dunno) and Van Morrison (notorious twat) say it might be a Good Thing. What does she discover? Well, she’s not feeling the opera because “they keep repeating everything; a character will reiterate precisely what he has already said in the most tedious fashion”. She doesn’t then go on to add “Women be shoppin’, you cannot stop a woman from shoppin’!”, but the sentiment is there.

The rest of the article just degenerates into a white middle class girl complaining about people being white and middle class (“he’s wearing a tie!” “he’s eating a salmon sandwich!”), like the rest of some hybrid mutation between Tom Breihan and Violet Elizabeth Bott. Although bonus points for a) a woman who regularly bigs up inane drama student shite like Bat for Lashes and Regina Spektor accusing something of being “staggeringly self indulgent”, and b) this following passage:

(it’s) like sitting through the most noodly Carlos Santana guitar solo, only for Chris Rea to appear and go through it all again, with Mark Knopfler joining in for good measure

Which, I assume I’m not alone in thinking, sounds fucking awesome.

Anyway, the Bartman put her Salieri mask away and gave the update on The Guardian’s mock village fete appeal, which being from central Northampton and visibly wincing when I see an expanse of greenery larger than the average Londis, I have no fucking idea what they’re talking about. Although signed shorts by CSS (ask your grandparents) only reaching £12 in an auction is something I’m sure we can all chuckle at.

Finally, Laura’s been pontificating on a 90s revival, one of the worst examples of the “two’s a coincidence, three’s an article” style of journalism, wherein the fact that a) a film has been released set in 1994 b) the comeback of 1980s band New Kids On The Block c) Beverly Hills 90210’s return means that we are now IN THE GRIP OF A 1990S REVIVAL. I’m actually writing this piece as I read the article for the first time, and I’m going to guess she makes a Menswe@r gag at some point… ah yep, there we are, 12th paragraph.

Being completely cut off from all aspects of popular culture that aren’t delivered to her on a plate by dead-eyed PR goons, Laura misses out the actually significant points of 90s throwbackism this decade (GTA:San Andreas, The Game and the New New York crowd jacking off over their coasts’ respective sounds of 91 and 94), Dean Windass), and instead uses what has to be my favourite sentence in all three of her articles this week: 

The autumn/winter collections also promoted a return of the goth look – an 80s style which was revived in the 90s, thanks in part to the success of acts such as Nine Inch Nails (whose biggest-selling album, the Downward Spiral, was released in 1994)

A credit to all involved, imo.

SPECIAL BONUS MATERIAL

Dire Straits – So Far Away

Sanana – She’s Not There

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