Know your enemy #2: Front
As said previously, ever since beginning a job that involves four hours of commute a day, I’ve started reading men’s magazines, solely to raise my anger levels. It’s either them or fucking Games TM, to be honest. Anyway, we here at Ich Luge Bullets are more than happy to present this irregular run down of what you can expect to find in these fine tomes. This month, Front.
- Nobody knows anything about Front magazine. That’s a lie, people know two things about it. One: even when you’ve been stuck in the same train station branch of Smiths for three hours, nobody can bring themselves to flick through its contents, on account of its nu-rave-meets-WWE-t-shirt design style. Two: a writer from Front permanently turns up on fantastically shit Sky 3 TV show “Britain’s Toughest Pubs”, where he turns up at the start of each segment to go “Awww, yeah, biker/para/fisherman/fireman pubs are the toughest in the country, they do NOT like outsiders” like Sid Waddell’s delirium tremens’d cousin. I can’t remember his name so I can’t tell you if he contributed to this fine issue.
- Say hello to “new band” The Plight. Look like: Gallows in a baseball cap. Sound like: really couldn’t bring myself to visit their Myspace after reading that their influences are “The Germs and KISS”.
- Front’s star model is Alex Sim-Wise, a woman who redefines the phrase “trying too hard“. Her Myspace used to contain a “things I hate” section, which include “my father”. Which is weird, because you wouldn’t have thought someone who gets their flaps out for a living would have any residual daddy issues, huh? And just to add to that, Big Al’s feature this month is “TOP FIVE OLD MEN THAT IS ACTUALLY A BIT FIT”. Some old rock cunts, that rapey looking hipster photographer, someone from CSI, and Terry Wogan. LOL THAT IS DEAD RANDOM. Jesus Christ…
- A bikini photos special contains a bunch of faceless models who nobody could give a shit about. One of these faceless models is… mid-200s pop no-hoper Jentina! No reference is made to her October 2004 top 20 single “French Kisses”, but she does express a love of The Waterboy, “especially the shit stained sheet bit”.
- More nipples on show in “ALT.GIRL”, a modelling contest where they advise you, seemingly without irony, to wear “stripy socks” when sending yr picks in. This month’s winner (Myspace here) isn’t wearing stripy socks in her picture, but instead says her favourite album ever is “Hooray For Boobies” by the Bloodhound Gang, and describes her taste in TV as “quite a mix: Bear Grylls, Most Haunted and America’s Next Top Model”. As if a load of reality TV wank qualifies you as a renaissance woman these days.
- A “classic album” feature on Dre’s 2001 contains, I’m as shocked as you are, positive comments on the “Chronic” follow-up from The Game. More importantly, however, the production team have fucked up the design on the timeline so the only words visible in 1995 are “bel peh gy nigan pleased track they Eazy-E AIDS”.
- As shit as this rag undoubtedly is, the entire enterprise is nearly saved by page 145, which contains a gag about “Sweet Potatoe Pie” rapper Domino.
- Advertisers in Front: mainly spirits and video games companies, which implies that the magazine’s readership may consider itself “up” “for” “it” and down for the craic, but actually sacks off enough nights out because of a WoW raid.
- The whole effect of the thing is something akin to Bizarre magazine as written by The Young Knives. Which is as fucking awful as it sounds. I mean, at least the Tory party-baiting lads rags are pretty honest in their knuckleheadedness, and the GQ/Esquire brigade are pretty successful as date rapist’s bibles. Front just has a swagger about its awfulness, as if fonts ganked from a Crystal Castles’ gig flyer and tit models mentioning their bowel movements elevates it above the level of shit that it currently occupies. I think the best thing for all of here is to forget this magazine ever happened, and do what you probably intended to do from the moment you saw the opening image of this post: go to Youtube and watch the video for “No Fronts”: