Home > Know Your Enemy > Know your enemy #1: Esquire

Know your enemy #1: Esquire

So, yes, ever since beginning a job that involves four hours of commute a day, I’ve started reading men’s magazines, solely to raise my anger levels. It’s either them or fucking Games TM, to be honest. Anyway, we here at Ich Luge Bullets are more than happy to present an irregular run down of what you can expect to find in these fine tomes, starting with this month’s Esquire.

  • Front cover is James Corden pulling a funny face in a toy car. We’ll come back to this.
  • There’s an interview with British Olympic boxing hopeful Billy Joe Saunders, who until I read this article was a massive fan of because I knew he was a gypsy and was hoping he was on some washing machine theft/sharp knives ish. Instead, he just has a bumfluff beard and a diamond earring.
  • Most men’s mags have a female sex correspondent, the idea being that she rocks some sort of secretary slut look and combines “I HAVE HAD SOOOOO MUCH SEX WITH MEN AND WOMEN” with a kind of “Maybe it’d be really expensive to fuck me though, have you considered that?” steez. So, yeah, pretty hot. Esquire, on the other hand, has Maria McErlane, who must be approaching 50 now, and whose every appearance makes me think of Love In The Afternoon, her 1996 variety show she co-hosted with Antoine DeCaunes that seems to have had all but three mentions of wiped from the internet. Not even IMDB can help us out here. It had a crooner on it who sang the theme tune, that’s about all I’ve got.
  • Holy fuck Erin O’Connor looks rough these days.
  • “The Comics’ 24hr Survival Guide” is a guide from Edinburgh Festival performers on where to eat 24 hours a day. Richard Herring doesn’t mention the quite frankly staggering number of comedy groupies he ploughs through in the average year, and instead mentions a takeaway. Isy Suttie, on the other hand, doesn’t mention that she’s effectively taken the “OMG I WISH SHE WAS MY CUTE INDIE GIRLFRIEND hang on she’s not actually funny is she?” baton from Jessica Stevenson-Newsurname, and instead refers to a Scottish restaurant as “truly British”. Presumably she’ll be incorporating flute-playing into her set this year.
  • Rachel Cooke interviews Harry Redknapp, who’s shot with the Photoshop filters more commonly associated with adverts in Vice Magazine, which really adds something to the mountainous crags on his face. During the interview he opines that “It’s getting harder for white kids, black boys are strong physically, they can run all day.” Interviewer doesn’t bother elaborating on this. Good work.
  • David Baddiel has a column, and there’s interviews with PJ O’Rourke and Juliette Binoche.
  • TOP TIP FROM THE BUSINESS SECTION: Why not try writing your own superhero movie script? The Wachowski Brothers did, and it earned them $7million. Esquire: helping you beat the credit crunch. Business section also contains article with the dude who founded Glaceau Vitaminwater, helpfully ruining my image of 50 Cent having actually created the whole drink himself, possibly in his shed on some Reg Pressley shit.
  • So yeah, James Corden is on the cover. As in obese minor sitcom supporting actor James Corden, the Victor McGuire of 2008. Apparently Keira Knightley doesn’t speak to him anymore. Being as the entire (cough) “upscale” men’s magazine market is based around the conceit of “buy this watch and you’ll be Clive Owen/Daniel Craig”, I honestly have no idea why he’s the lead interview here. Three of the four pull quotes deal with his weight, and then he tries to pass off a Ted Chippington gag (“I just came back from ‘nam” “Vietnam?” “No, Cheltenham.”) as his own. Good work all round.
  • A feature on the upsurge in van heists sounds pretty fantastic in concept, the kind of thing mens’ mags regularly spunk six or seven pages on. Here, it only makes it just over two printes dides, heavily padded out with news report quotes, which leads me to believe it was commissioned in a fit of optimism and excitement, and then subbed the fuck down when the final copy actually came in. It’s weird, because the journo’s name is Jason Bennetto, and you wouldn’t associate Anglo-Italian journalist with turning in copy that frustrates their commissioning editor.
  • There’s a fashion photoshoot that takes its inspiration from Mad Men, all scotch on the rocks and single-breasted suits. But while Mad Men revels in an image of utterly abhorrent men with broken minds and pasts creating the future through art, the models they’ve chosen for this piece look more like members of Maximo Park on their way to a job interview. The side-partings aren’t even done properly, for fuck’s sake.
  • Inside back page is taken up with a brand new column from Rob Brydon, where the Welsh comedian, and I quote, “invites us into his world of unusual characters and bizarre encounters”. The whole thing is strongly reminiscent of the fondly-remembered-by-the-three-people-who-bought-them columns by Peter Baynham in mid-90s periodical Comedy Review. Only, you know, not as good. It may be time to throw Chris Morris on the same woodpile we did circa the release of Nathan Barley, when you wake up one morning and go “Hang on… you’ve not produced anything of worth for half a decade. Why am I still regarding you as a comic genius?” Still, man, that first series of Marion and Geoff is still impeccable. A sub-wry sub-weekend supplement column about Rob meeting an Australian Homebase employee, on the other hand, isn’t.
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  1. KING BOY PATO
    August 12, 2008 at 2:37 pm

    It may be time to throw Chris Morris on the same woodpile we did circa the release of Nathan Barley, when you wake up one morning and go “Hang on… you’ve not produced anything of worth for half a decade. Why am I still regarding you as a comic genius?

    Think that needs a proof read

  2. Dom Passantino
    August 12, 2008 at 2:50 pm

    All the celebrities post comments to ILB!

  3. KING BOY PATO
    August 12, 2008 at 4:28 pm

    You can not esCAPE me!

  4. Raw Patrick
    August 13, 2008 at 11:12 pm

    “All the celebrities post comments to ILB!”

    I never look at I Love Books.

    I’m currently limiting my mag reading to 80s and 90s copies of The Face. About to break musical acts in the March 1992 issue are Brummie rapper Gillie G (his LP “could become the most important rap album release since the beginning of hip hop itself”) and Sultans of Ping FC.

  5. Dom Passantino
    August 13, 2008 at 11:25 pm

    Just because you’re fucking the chick from Longview doesn’t make you a celebrity.

  6. Phillip C. Paterson, who portrays "King Boy Pato"
    September 1, 2008 at 1:25 pm

    I didn’t write that first message but I do approve of its contents.

  1. August 16, 2008 at 7:03 pm

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