Keepin’ It Nonpositive, the worst singles of the decade: Christina Aguilera – “Candyman”, (#17, March 2007)
Like maybe every other music journalist ever, I’m prepared to cut Christina Aguilera a lot more slack than she actually deserves. She’s not actually very good, and she never has been at any point in her career. When she kicked off as some Max Martincore champion, she was inferior to Mandy Moore, let alone Britney. Since then she’s gambolled merrily through Latino pop revivalism, legs akimbo hip-hop, whiney Goth bullshit, and a whole metric tonne of songs that exist for no reason other than to keep vocal melisma alive
She’s not “bad” per se: she drops the requisite number of radio bangers from time to time, is always prepared to try something new, pisses off Scott Storch, and is loosely attractive in a kind of “trafficked sex slave escapes and becomes high end escort” kind of way. But “Candyman”… word to Noel G, I’m not having it.
This isn’t a pop song, it’s an updated version of those fucking songs from The Two Ronnies where they’d dress up as cleaners and sing about how they got damp down there when they were holding something long and wooden in their hands. Over a Gilbert and Sullivan instrumental.
So it’s a redub of Corbett and Barker’s worst hours (excluding that episode of Extras for the former and that time he was caught handling stolen antiques for the latter). It’s also another example of Linda Perry being given free reign to ruin nearly single female pop star of the decade: turning P!nk from a 4/10 R&B singer into a 0/10 sk8r rock irrelevancy, believing that what Courtney Love’s career needs right now is anything other than an album of Divine covers, that one Kelly Osbourne track with the Visage jack… bitch needs to concentrate on wearing a hat like she did in the 90s rather than songwriting.
And then it’s all decorated with that creepily reactionary 40s revivalist schtick from a few years ago, which sounds like a great excuse to crack out a link to this seminal message board thread, featuring such
The trouble with reviewers is that they are often sent to gigs which they will not like as it is not their genre of music. I used to be sent to review ‘acid’ and dance bands in the early nineties and I hated that type of music so it was difficult for me to write anything positive.
I bet he listens to crap.
I can bring all sorts of nasty chemicals to BURN HIM with – my chemistry teacher is very good about letting us have chemicals to take home…………… hehe
Troglodite is the perfect word! Must remember to use it more often….. (this one is actually from the Puppinis themselves, whose career has gone from strength to strength since the release of this LP).
Good times, great memories.
So yeah, “Candyman” is shit, although not as bad as that bit in “Ain’t No Other Man” where she goes “Aaeewewewweewaeaeaeahahahahaweweaweaeaeahahahahahah”. That’s awful.
SPECIAL BONUS MATERIAL: ILB aficionados will be ecstatic to know that we were the #26 fastest growing blog on WordPress yesterday, according to whatever the hell this is. We were sandwiched between some website in Arabic that’s only photograph appears to be a man shoving his hands into a sewing machine, and “Rayn@’s spot: a hobby on things that impress me”. I’ll leave Booker T to sum up my reactions to these two sites.