Home > Fuck all y'all > The ever-lovable Calvin Harris

The ever-lovable Calvin Harris

The main problem with “Dance Wiv Me” is that it tries to have a classic hip-hop video, but then forgets that the problem with doing a straight-up hip-hop party anthem video in the UK is that you’ll have British women in the video. Therefore instead of the Game Girl types you get flossing in BET playlist classics, you have a bunch of broads who look like they’ve just got off the morning shift at Redbridge General Hospital.
Actually, that’s not the sole problem with this song. Calvin Harris has to take the lion’s share of the blame for it, Raskit on this track just makes me think “Man, Lemar needs to drop another album ASAP”. But Harris… like, you can understand Mark Ronson being such an insufferable damaging cock because he was born into crazy cash. Calvin Harris has had up the hard way, and yet he’s still absolutely utterly repugnant. Especially as, on here, he has a jacket-and-haircut combination that seems to suggest a deep desire to one day serve as a host on Big Brother’s Big Mouth. Always good to have ambitions.
I think it’s the guy dressed like a pimp in the video that annoys me most though. If you’re going to talk about being on “your Jack Jones” and refer to drinks as “jars” in your fucking lyrics, if you’re that desperate to hammer the fact home that “THIS IS UK SONG WE USE UK SLANG”, why do you have to have Bishop Don Juan Roman Riquelme stumbling into whatever branch of Edwards’ this vid was filmed in? If they wanted to keep up the UK atmosphere, surely Rascal should have been dapping hands with an Albanian pimp with three days’ stubble and a mobile phone in a leather case. It’s as British as the thwack of leather on oak.

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